Chapter 24
CHAPTER
TWENTY-FOUR
Enzo
We lost against Seattle. It’s fine. They’re a great team. We’ll probably still go to the playoffs.
If we can beat San Jose and Los Angeles.
Dread settles low in my gut.
I don’t want to see my former teammates. I don’t want to be in the arena where I used to work and feel that everything is backwards, changing in a room I never used to. I don’t want to see the team colors I used to skate in and realize they now belong to the enemy.
I walk to Axel’s room. The first time I visited his hotel room, we were in New York. Then I was walking with Luca.
This time, I’m walking by myself. Luca is spending the week with strangers. And I get that it’s the best solution, but I hate it.
I hate everything about this. My muscles ache. The massage I got after the game from the new massage therapist helped, but my body is still sore—shoulders tight, calves burning.
I knock on the door, and Axel swings the door open at once.
He smiles when he sees me, and his eyes soften.
I remember what it was like when he didn’t do that. I remember when he frowned when he saw me, when he looked at Luca with confusion and disbelief.
Some of our teammates are in the room.
“I-I can come back if you’re busy. It’s okay.”
“Nonsense. We were just hanging out.”
“Strategizing wedding gifts.” Noah hops from the bed. “Well, we should get going.”
“We should?” Luke asks.
“Uh-huh. All of us.”
They file out, and Axel and I are alone.
“I didn’t mean for your friends to leave,” I say.
He smiles. “They’re your friends too.”
I shake my head. No, that’s definitely not right. “I don’t know them.”
“But you will,” Axel says confidently.
He flips open his laptop, then types some things into his computer. “Come, Enzo! FaceTime.”
I hurry toward the laptop.
Axel is on the only chair, I realize, and I hesitate.
Patricia and Luca’s faces appear on the screen. Luca is clearly on Patricia’s lap. Luca looks a bit confused, which makes sense, but then he spots us on the screen. He beams, and everything in my heart melts.
“Hi Luca!” Axel waves to the camera.
Luca and Patricia wave.
“Hello,” Patricia says.
“Hello,” Luca says.
I grin, and Axel stares happily at the screen.
He grabs hold of my hand and squeezes it.
I’m not sure if he knows that he’s doing it, but then he pulls me onto his lap.
On the screen, I look ridiculous, perched on Axel’s lap like an overgrown child.
A six-foot-one NHL player being cradled like a toddler. Super dignified.
Patricia giggles and nudges Luca. “Look how silly your father and uncle are?”
Luca smiles at us.
“Chairs are for one person,” I say.
“Oh, yeah?” Axel’s breath is hot against my neck. I settle into his warmth.
It’s actually…
Well, yeah, it’s actually pretty uncomfortable.
I’m sliding down, the desk chair is wobbling, the wheels wanting to spin.
I’m vaguely worried that the seat will snap off entirely, and Daniela will have to lecture us about destroying hotel property.
My hip is digging into the armrest, and I’m fairly certain I’m cutting off circulation to Axel’s left leg.
But other than that, it’s wonderful. I haven’t slept in Axel’s room on this trip, since I have my own bed, but I’ve missed him. My cells settle, happy next to his warmth.
Axel must be more uncomfortable than me, but he holds me in his arms.
“How was your day?” Axel asks Luca.
Luca talks about playing with Stella, and Patricia adds some information.
Finally, Axel and I wave goodbye to Luca and Patricia. Axel ruffles my hair, and I get up from the chair.
“My limbs are broken!” Axel says dramatically.
He moves to the bed, and the room becomes much hotter. When I catch his eyes, he’s looking at me the way he’s been looking at me every night since this started.
“Come here,” he says.
I should say no. I should return to my own room and stare at the ceiling and think about how this is all going to fall apart.
Instead, I go to him.
His hands find my waist before I’ve even sat down, pulling me onto the mattress, rolling me beneath him. We’ve done this enough times now that my body knows the choreography. Shirts off. Pants off. His weight settles over me, and his cock is hard against mine.
“Is this okay?” he murmurs.
“Yeah.”
It’s more than okay. It’s the best part of my day, every day, and that’s the problem.
He wraps his hand around both of us, stroking slowly, and I arch into it. His forehead drops to mine. His breath mingles with my breath. We’re as close as two people can be without—
Without what? Having this mean anything?
I squeeze my eyes shut and try to stop thinking.
“Enz.” His voice is soft. “Stay with me.”
I open my eyes. He’s watching me, and I don’t have a name for what passes between us.
He speeds up, and I let the pleasure take over, let it drown out everything else. When I come, it’s with his name on my lips. When he comes, his face is pressed against my neck, gasping.
We lie there afterward, tangled and sticky, his arm heavy across my chest.
“I’m gay,” I blurt.
Axel goes still.
The edges of my vision darken. My chest is tight. I’ve done this now, said the words I’ve been holding in for ten years, and I can’t take them back.
He’s going to replay every interaction. He’s going to realize I’ve been in love with him since we were eighteen.
He’s going to give me some kind speech about how stress relief is one thing, but he doesn’t want to give me the wrong idea.
He’s going to be kind about it, because Axel is always kind, and that will make it worse.
“I should have told you before.”
“Yes,” he agrees.
Fuck.
I would prefer it if he would say that it doesn’t matter, that I can be gay or straight or bisexual and that’s fine.
“I’m so sorry,” I say. “You’ve been nice to me, and…” The words lodge in my throat. “I-I should go.”
Axel is looking at me funny, and I realize I’m still naked. This is exactly why I delayed having this conversation. So I could have the optimal moment, panicking, with no pants.
“Enzo….” Axel sighs and assesses me.
I don’t know what he’s thinking.
I used to know what he was thinking.
At least… I thought I did.
“I know you’re gay,” Axel says. “I’m glad you told me.”
“You knew?”
“Strongly suspected. But then you started dating Sofia, and I figured I’d had you wrong. But then I didn’t see you date any women after that.”
“You didn’t see me date men,” I say.
“You weren’t that careful.” He gives me a wobbly smile. “I thought you could have been bi, but, uh—”
“I’m not.”
“I had it right.” He flashes a tight smile. “You could have told me, Enz. I thought I was your best friend. I even gave that whole speech in the locker room after I became captain.”
“You were.”
“I wanted to force a conversation with you, but I wasn’t sure. It’s not like we saw each other often after you started playing for LA.”
“No,” I agree. “We didn’t.”
“And I guess I thought it was your business.” He sighs. “You don’t like heavy conversations. I didn’t want to make you freak out during your season.”
“Oh.”
“I thought probably you would start dating someone and then you would tell me. But you never did.”
I watch him. “I can’t believe you knew.”
“Shit, Enz. I didn’t want you to feel like you had to hide parts of yourself around me. I just liked hanging out with you, you know? I didn’t care who you were dating.”
“That’s nice…” I narrow my gaze. “So are you…?”
He shrugs. “I mean, everyone is sort of attractive, right? Men’s parts are interesting just like women’s parts are interesting.”
“Not everyone feels that way.”
“I guess they don’t. Isn’t that weird? I think it’s weird.” Axel gives me a wry smile. “I don’t care what you are, Enz. And I don’t really care what I am either. But I don’t want you to move to a different apartment. I want you with me. That’s where you belong.”
I smile despite myself.
Axel has no idea how close his statement sounds to a romantic proposition. I’m not going to tell him though.
“Want to watch something with me?” he asks.
I nod, relieved, and he beams, as if I’ve offered him something nice.