Chapter 5
Chapter Five
THEO
“Open the fuck up,” I yell, pounding on the door to Rupert’s flat.
Once my father left, I sprinted up the stairs and threw on a pair of trousers, a T-shirt, and a hat.
Then I hopped into my Aston Martin and drove like a bat out of hell to Rupert’s place.
My tires screamed down the dirt road, all the way into the city until I pulled up to his flat, where I illegally parked, not giving a shit, because this was urgent.
“Rupert, open up,” I shout, pounding some more. “I know you’re in there.”
After a few more seconds, the locks sound off and then his face appears, his blond hair rumpled and his face coated in a five-o’clock shadow.
“What the fuck is going on?”
I push through the door, only to come face-to-face with his overnight guest wearing absolutely nothing.
Quickly, I shield my eyes and turn away. “Christ, I need to talk to you.”
“Who, me? Or Christ? Because the way you worded that, it comes off very confusing—”
“You, you fucking numbskull.”
He rubs his cheek, his fingers scraping over his scruff as he ponders my request. “Well, I was just about to go down on Sarah, so can this wait?”
I flash a murderous gaze at him that suggests Sarah can wait.
Lucky for him, he gets the hint.
“You know what, love, why don’t you go wait for me upstairs, maybe stick my headphones on and listen to some smooth jazz, get you in the mood.”
“I have to get to work anyway,” I hear Sarah say, and then her footsteps trail away.
Nostrils flared, Rupert turns to me and says, “This better be good.”
I grab him by the robe and push him toward his living room, sit on the couch, then pull my phone from my pocket and start typing away.
“Did you realize your trousers are inside out?” he asks.
“Does it seem like I care?”
“No, but you should. You went out in public.”
I find the article my dad showed me and then I turn it toward him. Rupert moves in closer, his eyes focusing, and then he smiles. “Oh shit, that’s—”
“Do not say funny,” I say through clenched teeth. “There is nothing funny about this.”
“Why not? We specifically said American profiles only to avoid being caught here in the U.K. and then, they find you anyway. That’s some pretty good sleuthing. Also, did you know you have lipstick on your face?”
For fuck’s sake!
“This is not funny, Rupert. This is the opposite of funny. There’s actually nothing funny about this, because my father found the article.”
He cringes. “Oof. Yeah, that’s not good.” He pauses and then panic washes over his expression. “Did he see what I drew on his portrait?”
“No!” I drag my hand down my face as Rupert presses his hand to his chest.
“Thank Jesus. I like my dick, and I know he’d cut it off if he found out.”
“Can we please focus on me? This is terrible.”
“Wouldn’t hurt to focus on me for a second, but sure, let’s bring this back to you. Why is this bad?”
Looking my friend in the eyes, I say, “Because I told him that I was actually looking for a bride.”
Rupert’s mouth falls slightly ajar just as Sarah walks back into the living room.
“I’m taking off.”
Rupert waves her off, eyes trained on me, blinking in shock. “Sure, okay, bye.”
From the corner of my eye, I see Sarah give him the middle finger, and then she takes off. Don’t foresee a second night happening for him.
When the door shuts, Rupert asks, “Why the fuck would you say that?”
I take off my hat and push my hand through my hair. “Because he said I never see anything through and that I’m a screwup, and I wanted to, I don’t know…show him that I’m not.”
“By taking a bride? Mate, that’s not the way to do it.”
“I didn’t know what else to do.”
“Uh, tell him that it was a mistake, or that someone must have impersonated you and you know nothing about it.”
“That—” I pause, thinking about it for a second. “Fuck, I should have said that.”
Fuck, I’m such a dumbass!
“Yeah, because then he could have released a statement that it’s not you who made the account, have the company take it down, and then there we are, smoking your dad’s cigars, getting off scot-free. Honestly, surprised you didn’t think of that yourself.”
Yeah, me too.
“Fuck,” I groan as I sink into the couch.
“But, you know, saying you’re looking for a bride, that works too.”
“How the fuck does that work?”
Rupert shrugs. “Can’t be sure, just trying to make you feel better.”
“That’s not making me feel better. This is such a fucking disaster.”
“Maybe not,” he says, hope in his voice. “Maybe you dance around a bit, pretend you’re looking for a bride, but then come up short and say you’re going to try the regular method of meeting someone by chance.”
I shake my head, hating my life decisions. “Can’t. Told my father I’d be engaged by the end of summer.”
“What?” Rupert shouts. “Why the hell would you say that?”
“Because he cornered me with that ‘irresponsible, never finishing anything’ bullshit of a tirade he likes to go on and I don’t know, I think I was still drunk when I started talking and, well, here I am, needing to find a bride by the end of the summer.”
“And what if you don’t? You don’t get the lord title anymore? Mate, you didn’t want that in the first place.”
“It will be a cold day in hell when he doesn’t pass that down to me; he has made it his mission to make sure I walk in his footsteps.
No, that’s not it. He threatened to find a bride for me since I’m so willing and ready to get married.
” I look Rupert dead in the eyes and say, “He said he’d ask Neil’s daughter. ”
Rupert’s eyes widen as he whispers, “No.”
I nod. “Yes.”
Panic erupts on his face as he slowly shakes his head.
“We can’t have that. Because if you marry her, then I won’t ever be able to see you again.
I can’t hang out with you if she’s around, and as we know, she’s a clinger.
She won’t leave you alone.” He gasps loudly and clutches my arm. “Mate, she’ll break your dick.”
My brow creases. “Why do you say that?”
“Because she’s broken at least three from what I’ve heard. Guys haven’t been able to get erect after being with her.”
“That’s not true.”
“Oh, it’s true.”
“Who broke their dicks?” I challenge.
“Carl Foggert, Harrison Thymes—”
“Those are made-up names.”
“And…” He pauses for effect. “Lionel Rooster.”
A gasp falls from my lips.
“The Roost?”
He slowly nods again. “The one and only Roost.” He lifts his fists together and then makes a breaking sound while snapping them apart. “Broken prick. It’s why you never see him at the pub anymore. Broke that cock right off.”
A shiver runs up my spine. There have been rumors about Rooster’s dick, but I thought they were just rumors.
Apparently not.
I clutch my legs together tighter at the thought of Neil’s daughter even looking in the direction of my crotch. No…it can’t happen.
“Imagine what kind of sawing she would have to do to break down your log.” Rupert shakes his head.
“No.” His fists punch the seat of the couch.
“I’ll be damned if you become man number four of her slaying vagina.
No fucking way.” He grabs my phone and starts tapping away.
“We need to find you a woman and we need to find one quick.”
“Wait, are you serious?”
“Do you have any other options? You stupidly brought yourself to this—”
“No, you did.” I point at him. “This was your idea, not mine. This is why I always choose truth; you made me choose dare.”
“Well, don’t be such a goddamn pushover and stand your ground, for the love of God.” He tilts my phone down so I can see the screen. He’s in the app for Fiancé-er—such a dumb name. “Holy shit, look, you have applications.”
“Really?” I ask, leaning over, my interest slightly piqued.
“Yeah, you have five people already matched.” He clicks on the first name.
Janice from Tallahassee, Florida.
“She seems nice,” Rupert says. “And look, she has a pet snake. Oh shit, it’s a fucking boa constrictor.”
I shake my head. “No, absolutely not.”
“You don’t want her and her snake crawling all over you?”
“Not even a little.”
“Okay, how about Yvonne from…Las Vegas? She’s a poker dealer and a stripper. Huh, good for her for having two jobs.”
“My father would have a stroke.”
“Might not be a bad thing.” Rupert chuckles. “Okay, what about this one? Renee from Montana. She lives on a ranch and rescues horses. That’s pretty cool.”
“Besides the fact that I would have to probably work on said ranch. Could you picture that?”
Rupert leans back and looks me up and down. “No, your hands are too soft and well moisturized.”
“Exactly. Next.”
“Well, this lady is eighty, and I don’t mind an age gap, but your father will not believe such a tryst, so that leaves…Renley.”
Rupert clicks on the profile, and a picture showing a cute redhead with long hair, freckles dotting her nose, and the brightest blue eyes I’ve ever seen appears. Her smile is just big enough to show off one dimple on the right, while her eyes are soft. Perhaps, dare I say, even tender.
And my father doesn’t think I’m mature.
I used tender as an adjective, for fuck’s sake.
He can rot.
Side note: I can admit that Rupert and I might be slightly immature.
We might be idiots a lot of the time, and fuck around far too much, but our intentions are pure and our friendship is like family.
When you’re not given an option of what your life is going to turn out to be and you live a life where everyone is so goddamn serious all the time, you tend to…
lean on escapism. You might talk about dicks breaking, wake up to pink lace thongs in your crack, and think that nothing truly matters.
Well…until it actually gets real.
Like in this moment.
I’m searching for a fiancée because my best friend dared me.
Yeah, might have to work harder on the maturity thing.
“She’s pretty,” I say absentmindedly as I continue to take her in.
“She is,” Rupert replies. “Looks like she owns a lolly store. You like sweets.”
“I’ve been known to indulge in some every once in a while.” I nod toward the screen. “Where is she from?”
“Cape Meril, Massachusetts. Have you been there?”
I give my friend the side-eye. “What the hell do you think?”
“Don’t get cheeky with me. I’m just trying to figure this out for you. Make a love connection.”
“No, I haven’t been there.”
“See, was that so hard?”
“Does it say anything else about her? Like does she have any reptiles as pets or jobs where she has to take off her clothes?”
“Doesn’t seem like it. Seems like she’s renovating a sweets store that means a lot to her and her town. I don’t know, mate, she looks pretty normal.”
“Then why is she on this website looking to get married?”
Rupert shrugs. “Unclear, but under special interests, it does say that she likes fishing.”
“Fishing? Huh…” I stare down at her picture. “I don’t know anything about fishing.”
“That’s because your hands are too soft, remember?”
“Yes, I remember,” I say in an irritated tone. “I guess I should give her a try?”
“She seems the most normal out of all of them.” Rupert pats me on the shoulder. “Time to pack your bags, mate. You’re headed to Cape Meril, Massachusetts, to meet the love of your life.”
I take my phone from him and pat him back. “Pack your bags too, because you’re coming with me.”
“Uh, what?”
“Yeah, you got me into this mess, so you can get me out of it.”
“But…what about Sarah?”
“No way in hell she was coming back. Face it, you’re with me now.”