Chapter 8
Chapter Eight
THEO
“Well, that didn’t go as expected,” Rupert says as we stand on the porch, staring at the door that was just slammed on us.
Turning to him, I ask, “How could someone think that website was for anything other than finding a fiancé?”
Rupert scratches his chin. “Yes, still trying to figure that out.”
I head down the porch stairs to the pathway that leads to the street. I turn left and make my way to the house next door.
“We need to reconvene and think about how to handle this.”
“Great idea,” Rupert says as we walk up the pathway to the yellow cottage I rented for the summer.
When I found it up for rent, I considered the location extremely convenient. Staying right next to my soon-to-be fiancée seemed almost too good to be true. I could get to know her but also give us both space at night, but now…now this just seems awkward.
When I’m inside the house, I shed my suit jacket and sit on the couch, kicking my feet up on the coffee table.
Rupert joins me and lets out a deep sigh. “Shit, I can’t believe I met Kitty Katherine.”
“Yeah, what the fuck was that about?” I was so perplexed by the whole fiancé/financier thing that I haven’t fully processed everything else. “Is she some sort of celebrity?”
“In a niche market. She rides hobby horses and has been documenting her journey for a while now.”
“What the hell is a hobby horse? I haven’t heard of that breed before.
” And I know just about every single breed.
My family has an incredibly large stable with a line of champions, a fact that I hate.
If I ever do become lord—which I don’t want to—I’d release the horses from their show duties and let them live freely.
“Mate.” Rupert chuckles. “It’s not a breed; it’s a horse on a stick that you ride.”
I slowly turn toward my friend. “You mean the kids’ toy?”
He nods. “Indeed. There’s a whole world of hobby horse riders. And they perform in competitions, ranging from dressage to obstacles. It’s fucking intense, especially when they get into puissance—high jumping—something Kitty hasn’t done for a while. She focuses more on dressage.”
“How…when…why are you into this?”
Rupert shrugs. “Boredom got the best of me, along with mindlessly scrolling social media, and well, it was hobby horse competitions and honey harvesting that caught my attention.” He leans forward.
“Have you ever seen a honey farmer scrape the beeswax off the comb with a hot tool? It’s fascinating. ”
I study my friend for a moment, knowing he truly is a by-product of a rich family with nothing to do. “You truly concern me at times, Rupert.”
I lean my head against the couch and pull my phone from my pocket. “This is a fucking disaster.”
“I mean, did you expect victory, coming all the way here to marry someone you haven’t even talked to? There isn’t a high success rate with never-before-seen fiancées.”
There’s some validity behind that statement.
“I expected her to be on the same page as me. Christ.” I drag my hand over my face and go to the Fiancé-er app, where I have several other matches. At least I have that going for me. “Maybe I can find someone else. I have quite a few matches.”
“Let’s see them.” Rupert takes my phone from me and starts looking through them. “Hmm, this lady once married her cat and is now looking for a human marriage. She seems like a winner.”
“Skip,” I say in an annoyed tone, causing Rupert to laugh.
“This one looks normal…eh, never mind. She’s into satanic rituals, and I’m all for letting your freak flag fly, but I think she’d eat you alive, especially given this picture she posted of her mouth dripping with blood.
” Rupert examines it closer. “Are we just going to assume that’s fake blood?
Because if it’s animal or human, I think we have the responsibility of reporting her. ”
“Give me that.” I snag the phone from him and scroll through the matches myself. One after another, there’s something wrong with the candidate. And it has nothing to do with their looks and everything to do with their personality and the information they’re willing to give.
Like the current girl I’m looking at has collected every hair that’s fallen from her head and made her own extensions. I don’t know, that just screams having too much time on your hands.
Or the next woman, who I thought could be a winner with her knitting hobby and desire to have a family, but then she posted a picture of herself wearing a shirt that says Earl Grey Is Piss Water. That’s just not an attitude I can be married to.
“Christ, is there not one decent person out there?” Although terrible at reading, Renley seems like the brightest choice. Her common sense is questionable, but at least she had the wherewithal to try to defend her house with a candlestick from a stranger who came to marry her.
Got to give her credit for that.
“You really can’t get on board with Earl Grey piss-water girl?”
I give him a side-eye and that’s all it takes, because he says, “You’re right. Clearly, she’s deranged.”
“What the fuck am I going to do?”
Just then my phone beeps with a text message. I glance down at my screen and see that it’s from my father.
Fucking great.
Lord Dickhead: I was able to pull a few strings and someone from your matchmaking website told me that you found a match and that you’re meeting her today. Cannot wait to hear all about your new fiancée.
“Fuuuuuck,” I drag out.
“What?” Rupert asks.
I show him the screen.
“Well, that’s an invasion of privacy,” he responds. “I say we take knives to the owner’s house.”
“Yeah, because that will go over well.” I shake my head and toss my phone to the side while thinking about Renley.
Just from her looks and attitude alone, I could imagine getting along with her.
And her house didn’t have any red flags besides the whole hobby horse thing, but that seems like just an aunt problem, and who doesn’t like some eccentricity in their life?
“What are you thinking over there?”
“Maybe…I don’t know, maybe I need to try harder with Renley. Maybe she needs to see what I have to offer. Make a case for myself.”
“You have a lot to offer…in the trousers alone.”
“You know, when you talk about my dick like that, it makes me feel weird.”
“Tingly?”
“No.” I push at my friend. Christ. “Just weird. Keep my dick out of the conversation.”
“Hard to when it has such a large presence.” I glance at my friend and catch his troublemaking smirk.
“Can you be serious for a second? I’m in deep, man.”
“Which is why you should have said it was a fake account when your father brought it to your attention.”
“What good is bringing that up? It’s over and done with. I’m here, now, in a goddamn situation that you got me into in the first place.”
“You’re right, you’re right. Okay, if you don’t think any of these other women fit what you’re looking for, then I say we attempt to get to know Renley, convince her you’re the man to be interested in. Your bone structure alone should intrigue her.”
I run my hand over my jaw. “I do have a brilliant face.”
“Precisely, so let’s use that to our advantage.”
RENLEY
“I don’t know, he seemed nice,” Aunt Kitty says before taking a bite of her scone.
Despite kicking our company out of our home, Aunt Kitty didn’t want our “teatime” to go to waste, so she brewed some tea, set out place settings, and invited Tilly to stay for tea and scones.
I’ve been so out of sorts and nauseous from the morning’s events that I can’t even touch my food.
“For someone looking for a fiancée online to marry sight unseen, I mean, he did seem nice,” Tilly says. “By the way, this tea is delightful.”
“I read the brewing instructions, really makes a difference.”
“I can see that. No wonder the British enjoy their teatime.”
I look between the two people who are supposed to be my closest confidantes and all I feel is irritation.
“I need some air,” I say, pushing away from the table.
“Want us to join you?”
I shake my head. “I’m good.”
I slip my shoes on and open the front door, only to find Theo and Rupert walking up the sidewalk again.
Good God, what now?
Not wanting the other two to get involved, because clearly they’re of no help, I shut the door behind me and meet the British duo on the sidewalk leading up to the porch.
“I thought I sent you on your way.”
“Good to see you too, fiancée.” Theo smiles, and even though I can’t stand the name he just called me, that smile is far too charming. Does he practice in the mirror?
“What do you want?”
“I just thought that maybe we could sit down, get to know each other.”
“And why would I do that?” I ask.
“Because when I propose, you won’t feel like a stranger is proposing.”
I blink a few times and glance around the yard, looking for some sort of hidden camera situation, because this can’t be real life, right?
He actually thinks he’s going to propose?
And that there’s a chance I’ll say yes?
He might have a handsome face, but he has a screw loose, that’s for sure.
“You’re not proposing. This is not a thing that’s happening between us. I thought I made that clear when you barged into my house.”
“I’d hardly describe my entrance into your house as barging in. The door was open and I knocked, making myself known.”
“Classic case of using manners before entering,” Rupert says.
The sidekick thing is weird.
Like…why is Rupert here?
Moral support?
Best man?
Oh my God, did he think we were going to get married today and that’s why he brought him?
Maybe he has more than one screw loose.
“It doesn’t matter how you entered my house, what matters is that we established that I’m not interested in marriage, plain and simple.”
“But have you really thought about it?” Theo asks. “Because I could make your life easier.”
Wanting to see what kind of psychobabble he has up his sleeve, I cross my arms and say, “Oh yeah? What do you do for a living?”
“Uh…” He scratches the back of his neck. “Sort of in the, uh…how would you say it…”
“Family business,” Rupert says.
“Right, yeah. I’m in the family business.”
If that doesn’t say unemployed, I don’t know what does.
“Uh-huh. And what is this family business you speak of?”
“Electronics,” Rupert says, causing Theo to flash him a glare.
“Electronics?” I question. “Okay, tell me one thing about electronics.”
Rupert clears his throat and says, “They’re transforming almost every aspect of the modern world—”
“I’m not asking you, Rupert, I’m asking him.” I point to Theo.
“Uh…what he said.” Theo thumbs toward his best friend, eyes wide.
“You know, if you’re going to lie to me—” I start walking away, but Theo quickly stops me.
“Okay, that was a lie, but I am in the family business.”
“And what is that business?”
“You’re not going to believe the truth.”
“Try me.”
He sighs and then says, “Fine, I’m the future Lord Dunebary.”
He’s right, I don’t believe him.
Future Lord of Dunebary…does he think I’m that gullible?
“Well, this has been lovely, but I was on my way to clear my mind, so if you’ll excuse me.”
“I’m serious,” he says, getting in front of me and blocking my path. “I really am.”
“Right, and you know what, I just got an email the other day saying I’m going to be the next queen of England—looks like we’re all moving up in the world. See you in Parliament.” I tip my pretend hat and move as far away from him as possible.
That guy needs to get his head checked.
So glad he knows where I live…