Chapter 39
Chapter Thirty-Nine
THEO
She’s tense.
She’s been tense ever since we got in the car.
I’ve attempted to chill her out, joke around, even play some music, but nothing has worked. I have this horrible feeling that it has everything to do with me and what happened with Rupert, because why wouldn’t that make her upset?
She asked me to keep it a secret, and the first moment I spoke to my friend, I accidentally told him.
She pulls into a parking spot and turns the car off. She grabs her bag, ready to go into the flooring store, but I stop her, because I can’t do this. I can’t go shopping with her acting like everything is okay.
“Hey.” Her eyes meet mine and all I can see is sadness, a complete departure from the way she was looking at me last night.
My stomach turns in knots, worry etching up my spine, because could I have really fucked it up this fast?
“I know you wanted to keep this a secret, and that was my intention the moment you asked, because I want to respect your feelings, so I’m really sorry that Rupert found out. I’m really mad at myself.”
“It’s okay, Theo. I know it was an accident.”
“Thank you, but I don’t want you being sad about it. How can I make it better?”
Her brow knits together. “I’m not sad about that.”
“You’re not?” I ask. “I just thought you were because you were so quiet on this drive.”
She shakes her head. “It’s something else. No need to worry about it.”
She reaches for her door handle, but I stop her again. “Hold on.” I take her hand in mine. “Renley, if there is something that’s bothering you, tell me.”
“It’s really fine, Theo—”
“It’s not,” I say, stopping her. “I know this thing between us is new and maybe we’re still getting to a point where you feel comfortable talking to me, but if there is one thing I learned from my parents’ shitty marriage, it’s that holding things in only brings on animosity and miscommunication. So please, talk to me.”
She looks off to the side. “But what is this, really? I mean, are you staying, are you leaving? I don’t want to sit here and divulge all this information to you if—”
“I said this wasn’t a fling,” I repeat.
“I know, but you have to go back to England at some point. You can’t stay here. You have responsibilities, and I’m not about to go there, so I know we said this wasn’t a fling, but if we actually think about it, that’s exactly what it is because there’s an end date.”
“Not for me,” I say, unsure what has brought her to this point in her mind. I thought we cleared this up last night.
“Theo, you’re going to be a lord. That’s real. This…”—she motions between us—“this is not real. It’s…temporary.”
“The fuck it’s not,” I say, growing irritated, which surprises her.
“This is more real to me than anything else I’ve experienced in my life.
What we’ve been doing this summer has released me from feeling so numb.
I’ve felt things I’ve never felt before.
” Ticking them off on my fingers, I say, “Embarrassment, humility, pride from doing hard work, accomplishment, desire…need. Don’t tell me this is not real, because it’s fucking real to me. ”
Tears spring to her eyes, making me feel like a guilty arsehole for getting stern with her. “I’m sorry.” She buries her face in her hands. “I’m so sorry, Theo. You’re right.”
Shit, the last thing I wanted to do was make her even more upset.
“Hey,” I whisper, bringing her into my chest over the center console. “I didn’t mean to make you cry.”
“You didn’t. I’m…being a jerk and you’re right. Everything you said. I’m trying to push you away and I don’t know why. You’re everything that I should want and everything that I need right now, but…I’ve…I’ve faced too much disappointment over the years. I’m just…God, I’m sorry.”
“Stop apologizing,” I say, kissing the top of her head. “Tell me what’s going on.”
She shakes her head. “It’s dumb. I’ll be fine.”
I grip her chin and lift it up, forcing her eyes to meet mine. “It’s not dumb if it’s making you feel like this. I don’t like to see your tears, and I don’t like to see you upset. Let me be a part of this; let me be a rock for you.”
She softly rubs her lips together, not answering.
“Do you trust me?” I ask her. “In all seriousness, do you trust me?”
Once again, she takes a moment to answer.
“I think so.” Her glistening eyes don’t stray from mine as she continues, “And I don’t want you to be insulted by that, because the people I’ve trusted the most in my life have disappointed me the most, so building that trust is hard.
” Her hand caresses my jaw. “But you haven’t done anything to break that trust, or to make me believe that there is reason not to trust you.
If anything, you’ve shown up, you’ve been there, you’ve proved to me that when you make a promise, you’ll keep it. ”
Jesus, that’s fucking deep. What could she possibly be talking about? Who could she be talking about?
“I want to trust you, Theo. And I think, deep down, I do, or else I wouldn’t have given myself over to you last night.”
I bring her knuckles to my mouth and gently kiss them. “I’m not going to hurt you, Renley. I promise.”
She shakes her head. “Please don’t promise that, because there will be a time that you do.”
“I won’t purposefully hurt you,” I correct myself. “I’m a fan, I’m a cheerleader, I want nothing but good things for you and I want to watch it all unfold. Every goddamn second of it. I want to be there for you.”
“And what about when you have to go home?”
“That’s something I’m working out.”
“What do you mean?”
I swallow the lump of nerves in my throat.
I haven’t gained the courage to talk to my father yet, but I know it’s there, resting inside me, ready to come out.
I just need to do it, cut the strings and tell him I don’t want the life he’s laid out for me.
Renley has shown me that there are possibilities for making a fulfilling life, and that I don’t have to follow in my father’s footsteps.
There are actual opportunities for me to have a life of my own, not one that’s been set up for me.
“I’m figuring things out on my end with my father.”
“Really?” she asks.
“Yeah, but it’s just going to take a moment.
There’s a lot that goes into it. But what I know for certain is that I don’t want the life he’s set up for me.
I want so much more. I want the freedom this summer has given me.
” To bring it full circle, I continue, “Which means I want you to talk to me, to tell me what’s going on in that beautiful head of yours.
” I kiss her knuckles again. “You can trust me, love.”
She bites the inside of her cheek, mulling it over.
I wish she could develop that trust with me.
I wish it was already there and that she wasn’t so guarded, but then again, that’s how she’s been this entire time.
And I’ve been slowly working my way into her life, as much as she’s allowed me to do so.
After a few seconds, she looks away and speaks softly.
“I have a challenging relationship with my aunt. She was there for me when I was growing up, when my dad passed, and even after that. She’s cheered me on with my endeavors and she’s encouraged me to step outside my comfort zone, which I’m grateful for.
But along the way, she’s disappointed me, she’s broken promises, and she’s made me the parent in the relationship, when I should be the kid.
” Oh shit, I had no idea. Her eyes meet mine and she continues, “It’s been like that almost my entire life.
Just like my dad, she’s relied on me to be the provider, to be the one who takes care of us, and she’ll dream up big ideas but leave me to be the one that sees them through while she moves on to the next thing. ”
She shakes her head and looks out toward the car park.
“It was supposed to be me and her doing this candy shop together. The reason you’re even here is because she said she had the money, but she didn’t, so she signed me up on this website.
And once I found the money, she just…stopped helping and moved on.
She keeps ditching me and making promises and not keeping them, and today we got into it.
She doesn’t have the money to pay for things, so she relies on me for that, which is fine, but she won’t even try to get a job.
She thinks she’s going to be the next great influencer—which is not a bad thing—but I need her to find stability while she does it because I’m doing so much and I’m overworked and exhausted and…
” She pauses, looking me in the eyes. “Shit, I’m overloading you. I’m sorry.”
“Don’t you bloody apologize. There is nothing to apologize for. I can see why you’re frustrated. It’s not easy being the grown-up, especially when it’s not your position in the relationship.”
“It’s not.” She shakes her head. “And we got into it before we left. I told her hobby horsing is not a career, she made a mean comment about the house being her house, not mine…I think I’m just letting my frustration with her get the best of me.”
“Because she was supposed to help with the shop?” I ask.
“Yeah.” She rests her head against her seat.
“She was supposed to do a lot of things, one of them being finding a job to help with bills. But she’s spent the summer trying to grow her hobby horse skills, which, okay, I’m happy she has a hobby, but do it after hours.
And it’s just so reminiscent of what my dad would do, so it’s triggering.
Ugh, this is stupid, I shouldn’t be dragging you down into all of this. I’m just frustrated.”
“You’re not dragging me down. I get it. I know what it means to have someone promise you something and go back on that promise. It’s the only thing my father knows how to do really well. It sits with you and eats at you.”
“It does.” Her eyes fill with tears again. “Shit, I don’t want to cry.”