Chapter 26 Carver
Carver stroked his thumb across her fingers–aware the action worsened the situation, but still feeling the need to offer some form of comfort.
What else could he do? There were only dumb platitudes that didn’t actually mean anything, and he wouldn’t disrespect her by quoting those.
It’ll all be okay. Everything works out for good.
This is all just a test. Just think, we’re saving our kingdom.
He cringed inside even as he thought through these. No way he would say any of those to her.
“I never wanted you to end up here.” He whispered. Nothing else felt like a good answer. Everything else was far too flat and fake.
Her brow furrowed and she leaned closer to him. “What do you mean by that?”
He sighed deeply, swinging their clasped hands in the space between them. To everyone watching, they appeared happy enough, as if they were simply having a mundane conversation. “I tried to protect you.”
“Protect me?”
He shook his head. “It doesn’t matter. It clearly didn’t work.”
Her hand fell slack in his, and he met her gaze. “It does matter. Explain.” Her voice remained quiet so as not to attract attention, but he could hear the sharpness of her tone–sharp as a knife.
He was overly aware of his heartbeat as adrenaline flooded his veins with the realization of what he was walking into. He was dangerously close to admitting something he couldn’t take back. “I didn’t mean anything by it.” He tried to brush it off, “You can’t blame me for wanting to protect you.”
“No, Carver, you did mean something by it. Don’t pretend I can’t read you. Answer the question.” Dang. She still knew him a little too well.
Carver bit his lip, contemplating how much of the truth he could share, or if a version of truth sufficed. “I’m not sure you want to know the answer.”
“I wouldn’t have asked if I didn’t want to know.” He heard his own words reiterated in that statement.
He waited to respond, hoping that someone or something would interrupt them so that he wouldn’t have to answer.
She’d never forgive him if he admitted the truth.
The rest of this mission would be more than miserable.
Would she even be willing to continue? Maybe she would quit and that would be that.
She wouldn’t die on this mission, instead she would die at the same time as everyone else when Noxvalis unleashed the biological weapon. What a thrilling thought.
“Carver, answer the question.” She tugged on his hand, desperate for the truth.
He immediately regretted looking into her blue eyes as everything he felt about her rushed to the surface. “I was only trying to protect you.” He whispered.
“Yes, you said that.”
“I didn’t think you would survive as a Viper.” He flinched as the words left his mouth. It was far too late to recall them. He dug his own grave.
“What?” She yanked her hand away from him, but after glancing around nervously, returned her hand to his. She very much looked like she was considering all the ways she could murder him. He couldn’t blame her. “You didn’t think I would survive.”
He shook his head, staring at his feet as they trod over the red dirt road. It wasn’t as dark as blood, but as thoughts ran through his head he wondered if it had been tinted by the war and faded over time. “I wanted to protect you. I promised I would.”
“A promise to whom?”
Your father. Before he died. “That’s not important.”
“It is to me.” Frustration bled over every word, but this was the one answer he couldn’t give her.
“I can’t tell you that.” He looked up at her, begging her to understand there were things he couldn’t answer. “Ask me something else.”
She gnawed on her lip, eyes angrier than he’d ever seen. All her fury was directed at him. “What’s the point? You’re a brilliant liar. You won’t give me the truth anyways.”
Ouch. He felt the dagger to his heart, the pain hitting deeper because he knew it was well deserved. “Clara,” he kept his voice soft, “I’ll give you as much of the truth as I can.”
“And I won’t pretend to believe you.” She pasted her smile back on her face, looking every bit the part he told her she would play. His heart broke at the falseness she stepped into.
She directed her gaze away from him, watching the other people in the caravan. How could he make this better? She had to trust him at least a little for him to keep her alive. That may be out of his control already.
“I told them to put you in the Vipers because I figured after a few weeks you would either give up or be cut, and you’d be able to go home.
” He let the admission slip, regretting the second the words were past his lips.
Apparently, today he was not only digging his grave, he was going the extra mile so his body would never be found.
“What?!” She shouted, and Carver gave her a look as he glanced around.
She laughed loudly as though she was reacting to something he had said, and he was relieved she was able to pull it off.
She tugged him closer to her, crossing her arm to grab his wrist. Her grip was harsh and he resisted the urge to grit his teeth as she dug her nails into his skin.
She kept her smile pasted, the perfect facade to anyone watching. He hadn’t expected her to be this good. He wouldn’t lie. He was impressed with her performance.
“You did what?” She hissed through her teeth, lips still curved in a vicious smile.
He knew he had admitted too much already, but now that part of it was out in the open, it felt less harmful to admit to all of it. “I wanted to protect you. You wouldn’t have been safe as an operative. I thought you’d come to your senses and go back to your normal life.”
She laughed again, but he could hear the anger in the noise. “I didn’t want to go back to my own life. I joined the army because I wanted my life to be worth something more.”
He rolled his eyes, “Oh be honest, Clara, you joined because you followed me.”
Her lips lifted. “So full of yourself. Is that what you’ve told yourself the last five years?
” She chuckled darkly, “That I followed you? Oh my word, you’re so amazing.
” She gushed, every word overly exaggerated, “I just couldn’t live without you.
So I followed you to the army. Pushed through two years of basic training, became one of the best soldiers, actually, all because I couldn’t stand not seeing your face. ”
He grimaced; she continued, “You’re so full of it. Did you ever think maybe I joined because I wanted to do something for our kingdom? Maybe I joined to take up my father’s legacy? Do something that was actually worth something?”
Her eyes flamed again, and dang she looks hot. Not a helpful thought. But it was true. His eyes shifted to her lips momentarily before he caught himself, and was thankful she didn’t notice.
“I was elected as an operative. I worked hard for that. And I was put in the Vipers. Didn’t it ever occur to you that I was placed there because I was capable of surviving it?”
“But you weren’t placed there because of you.
” Idiot. Those were the worst words he could have possibly said.
It was a fatal mistake for him, even more egregious than starting this conversation.
She might have moved past everything that had already been revealed.
Now, it was too late to ever get out of this grave.
“What?” She gritted out.
“We’re breaking rule number 4.” He whispered against her hair, trying to keep up their pretense. He used the opportunity to look around, and no one was paying them any undue attention. He kissed the top of her head before he pulled back.
“I don’t care. You started this, please, finish it.” She tugged his wrist, nails biting once again, “And don’t. Kiss. My. Head.”
“Fine.” He was past the point of return, and no matter how much he would regret his next words, there wasn’t a true way out of it.
She wouldn’t let it go. Plus, she’d be safer away from him, and maybe this would create the distance he knew they had to keep.
“My father was close friends with one of the Command leaders.”
“Fine, so?”
“So, when we graduated basic I pulled a couple strings and convinced them to draft you into Vipers. It was the most physically intense sector, and, like I said, I assumed you would either quit or be cut within a few weeks.”
His admission stunned her into silence, and that scared him far more than her fury had. He could only imagine what she was thinking. He didn’t have to imagine for long.
“You never did think very highly of me.” She shook her head, “Glad to know I wasn’t crazy in believing that.” Her eyes glazed, but she blinked hard and the look was gone.
“Clara, that’s not fair or true. I did think highly of you, do,” he corrected himself, “think highly of you. I just wanted you to be safe.”
She stared out across the caravan, and he stared at her. At the dark hair brushing across her cheeks, at the intense look still burning in her eyes, at the tilt to her chin he knew was evidence of her extremely restrained anger.
“No, Carver, you didn’t think I had what it took.
You assumed I followed you. The folly of a rich girl who isn’t capable of actually doing anything.
Well guess what, you were wrong. I’m on the same level as you now.
It’s refreshing, actually, to know exactly what you’ve believed about me.
” Her voice was calm and controlled, every word calculated.
“That’s not fair.”
“You don’t get to tell me what’s fair. Your powers of manipulation only work so far.” There was no anger left in her tone. Nothing but a factual statement. Cold. Uncaring. Perfect.
“I’ve never manipulated you.”
“Not directly, maybe. But you’ve manipulated events around me in an attempt to control my life. I don’t appreciate that. It’s not your job to protect me.”
“It is my honor to protect you.” He tried to explain.
But he couldn’t find the words to placate her.
He couldn’t tell her how much he had loved her.
How much he still loved her. How yes, it wasn’t what he should have done, but it was truly a selfish move on his part.
His desire to keep her alive was so he didn’t have to live without her.
“Don’t protect me anymore. We’ve already broken enough rules.”