Chapter 13
“You sure you okay?” Azari asked as I picked over the plate in front of me.
“Huh?” I asked, though I technically heard the question. It just took me a moment to process it.
Azari placed his fork down and peered at me. “I asked if you were okay.”
I nodded and said, “Yes.” It was the same response I’d been giving him since I woke up from my nap earlier, but I realized he no longer believed me. He probably never had.
“Tell me what’s on your mind.”
I sighed. I didn’t really want to talk to him about my thoughts since I spoke to Ashley, but I also knew I wasn’t really being fair to him.
I was in my head and being a Debbie Downer, which wasn’t cool of me.
He was on vacation, too, even if he was here to do a little business as well.
So, he didn’t deserve to spend any time in weird energy, especially not created by me.
I put my fork down and looked at him. “I guess I’m in my head a bit. I think I may be moving too quickly with making decisions.”
“Want to elaborate?” he asked.
I shrugged. “I don’t know… with you and with my career. I’ve only been here a few days, and already I’m looking to rearrange my life… and based on what?”
His brows rose. “I don’t know. Why don’t you tell me?”
“Tell you what?” I asked, confused by his question.
“You’re making decisions based on what? Only you can answer that.”
My brows furrowed. “I don’t know… you? You came into my life and all of a sudden I want to change everything.”
I knew that response wasn’t really fair to him, but it was the only conclusion I’d come up with so far.
He chuckled. “Okay, and do you feel like your decisions have been bad ones?”
“I don’t know. I mean, they’re definitely big ones. I don’t know if they’re necessarily bad. I just… I feel like I’m moving too fast.”
“Too fast with what, love? With your decisions or with me?”
“Both?”
He shook his head. “I ain’t trying to change you. I haven’t asked one thing of you other than your time, Indira.”
He wasn’t wrong, but for some reason, his words made me defensive. “I didn’t say you asked anything of me.”
“Maybe not, but it was implied.”
“I didn’t imply anything,” I argued.
“I ain’t trying to argue. I’m just trying to figure out what the issue is so we can move on from it.”
“Maybe I don’t know how to move on yet,” I whispered. “Maybe I need some space to figure out how I feel and what I want to do.”
“About what, exactly?”
“Us, Azari. My career. My life. This is all a lot all at once, and I think I need to slow down a bit and figure out what I really want to do, what I can handle, how to balance everything…”
“You’re overthinking, love.”
My brows rose. “Shouldn’t I overthink such heavy things?”
That was always how I’d been—an overthinker.
I went after what I wanted after having a plan, a back-up plan, and a plan to back up my back-up plan.
I came to Port Isle and lost my damn mind for some reason.
Ashley had grounded me, and I didn’t think that was a bad thing, so Azari calling it overthinking as if it was a bad thing set me off a bit.
“I’m not saying you shouldn’t think things through, but overthinking will talk you out of some shit that might actually be a blessing for you.”
I thought about what he said. My mind and my heart were at battle right now, and I didn’t know what to do. All I knew was that things felt like they were moving very fast all of a sudden, and I hated that feeling.
“I don’t know, Azari,” I muttered.
He looked at me for several seconds before he asked, “You want space?”
I shrugged. “I don’t know. I feel like I won’t really be a good time until I process everything and come up with a solid plan.”
Azari sighed. “I ain’t really tryna come up off you, especially since we only have a few more days left here, but if space is what you want, then I’ll give it to you.”
I felt a pain in my chest. I really didn’t want to take time away from him, but mentally, I knew I would be in my head if I didn’t take some space.
“I’m sorry, Azari.”
He shook his head. “Don’t be sorry. I feel stupid because I thought we were having a good time. I thought we already decided to give this a chance once we got home. I feel blindsided, is all.”
“I don’t mean to make you feel blindsided. I think I just forgot who I was for a second, and I panicked.”
“You forgot who you were? Or you’re running from who you should be?”
Damn.
“I… I don’t know how to answer that,” I responded honestly.
He nodded slowly. “You keep runnin’ from me. I ain’t really sure how to take that, love.”
I stood and walked to his side of the table.
I cupped his cheek in my hand and looked into his eyes.
“I promise I’m not running, and I’m not ignoring our connection.
I have to make sure I don’t lose myself in you.
You have that power. I’ve never felt anything like it, and I want to make sure I’m being authentic to myself. ”
He nodded. “I get it.”
I kissed his lips, and with a heavy heart, I turned to leave. I needed to spend the night alone, at least, so I could get my head together and my heart back in the game, but walking away from Azari felt like the hardest thing I ever had to do.
“I’ll be back,” I whispered to myself. “I just need a minute.”
That was a promise to myself that I decided to keep right at that moment.