Chapter 4
Sloane
Rattling the pill bottle, I shake out my daily dose of anti-anxiety meds.
There was a time I struggled with the idea of needing a pill to help balance me out.
I worried about what people would think of me, and honestly, I thought badly of myself.
I couldn’t understand why my brain wouldn’t just push through and be normal again.
My therapist spent a lot of time talking me through my thoughts and helping me get past my hangups.
Thanks to her I don’t think twice about taking medication now, not when it’s helping me return to some resemblance of my former self.
I know I’ll always struggle with stress and anxiety, but I’m in a much better place to deal with it.
I no longer push the people I love away.
Sure, I still have the intrusive thoughts that make me feel like I shouldn’t put my shit on other people, but I’ve got the tools to deal with them now.
Today, the past two years are firmly back in my present as I wait for Becca to arrive. She doesn’t know I’m here, and that makes me nervous, but my mom reassures me everything will be okay.
Checking myself in the floor-length mirror, I give my newly shortened hair a quick fluff. My appearance doesn’t matter, but I need to do something to help tame the nerves.
It’s been a week since I returned, and I’m settled in the pool house. Mom and Dad have given me space but check in regularly. So far, the reintroduction to my life is going well. Well enough that I’m ready to face my friends…and beg them for forgiveness.
Seeing them all in one go isn’t possible for me.
One angry face is more than enough, so I plan on going through them one by one, starting with Becca.
Putting Eden to one side, Becca is the person I hurt the most. She’s been my best friend forever, and I ghosted her when I knew she just wanted to make sure I was okay.
Unfortunately, Becca was another casualty of my mind playing tricks on me.
“Sloane, sweetie, Becca just pulled up,” Mom shouts out the back door of the main house.
Looking at my reflection, I give myself a mental pep talk. No matter how mad Becca gets, I’ll suck it up and endure it. Even if she screams and shouts, I’ll take it on the chin. I’ll take it all if it means I can have her back in my life again.
Eden, on the other hand, is a different matter.
I desperately want her back in my life. That goes without saying, but the idea scares me to death.
She’s always seen me, entirely, and known what I need.
Even when it broke her heart, she gave me what I asked for two years ago, and I took it and hurt her even more by dropping off the face of the earth.
My worry is that she’ll forgive me because she’s a good person, and I’m not sure I deserve it.
On the flip side, I worry she won’t forgive me and I’ll have to live without her.
Yes, I’ve had to do that for two years, but within that time, I had to focus on getting better, rather than solely on my heartache.
With my anxiety under control, I’m only left with the hurt I caused us both.
Out of all the pills I have to swallow daily, that’s the most difficult one.
“One minute at a time, Sloane. Becca first, then Eden,” I say to myself before leaving and walking over to the main house.
Stepping through the doors, I hear Becca in the entry talking to my mom.
Another thing I feel bad about was asking my parents to not talk about me when I was in college.
It wasn’t fair on them, especially as they think of Becca as a surrogate daughter, but they did as I asked.
I think they were just so scared for me, and they didn’t want to risk sending me off the rails any further.
My mom still talked to Becca over the years, I know that much, and I’m glad she did.
At least Becca had some connection to me, even if I couldn’t receive it myself.
“Mrs. B, you look gorgeous! Is that a new haircut?”
I smile because I love hearing Becca and my mom together. Hearing their easy conversation flow causes a swell of pain in my chest. I’ve missed out on so much, but as my therapist reminds me, my mental health had to become my number one priority.
“It is. I decided to go a little shorter. Do you really like it?”
“Hell yeah I do. Seriously, you look hot!”
Mom laughs along with Becca. Their voices grow louder as they approach the kitchen. Their footsteps stop as I presume Mom wants to pre-warn Becca that I’m here.
“Becca, honey. There is a reason I asked you over today.”
“Lunch?”
“Well, yes, I’ll feed you.” She laughs. “But there is another reason.”
“Is Sloane okay?” Becca shouts and my heart seizes because Becca sounds so worried.
“She’s fine, sweetie. In fact, she’s home.”
I hear Becca gasp and then her footsteps pick up pace as she rounds the corner and freezes as soon as she spots me.
I stand next to the kitchen island, hoping I can use it as a crutch because I’m not sure I can support myself just yet.
Becca looks so good. Her hair is still long, and her face is just as lovely as I remember, but now there is a maturity about her.
Plus, she’s wearing glasses which adds a touch of sophistication.
She’s wearing a flowing skirt that brushes her ankles and a plain white tank top.
Becca looks effortlessly beautiful, and so different from the college girl I saw two years ago.
“Sloane,” she gasps.
Nibbling on my lip, I summon the courage to give her a pathetic wave. The rest of my courage goes to fortify my nerves as I wait for the onslaught of angry words I’m sure Becca wants to launch my way.
In one swift move, Becca hurries forward and opens her arms. My body slams into hers as she hugs me so tight I struggle to breathe.
“Becca… Becs,” I rasp.
Suddenly, I’m thrust back as Becca studies me from head to foot. Her hands clamp on my upper arms as if she’s scared I’ll disappear again if she lets go. No sooner has she finished her full body scan than I’m drawn in to another hug, and that’s when I hear her crying, which makes me tear up.
“I’m sorry,” I hiccup into her neck. “I’m so sorry, Becca.”
Another set of arms engulfs us, and I peer up to see Mom sniffling as she holds us both.
A few minutes pass before any of us are in a fit state to talk. Mom pulls away first, cups my face and smiles. “Why don’t you and Becca sit by the pool. I’ll bring out some drinks.”
Wiping away the last of my tears, I look at Becca. I want her to be in control of the interaction for now. She wipes under her eyes and gives me a brilliant smile.
“That sounds perfect,” she replies, taking my hand and leading me outside. “Don’t forget the Doritos, Mrs. B,” she calls over her shoulder, making Mom and me laugh. I’m glad some things haven’t changed.
We sit at the table, both looking at the other with smiles on our faces. I’m so happy to see her.
“You cut your hair too,” she says softly. “It looks good.”
My fingers automatically reach up to my new beach wave long bob. I’ve only ever had long hair, so it’s taken a little bit of getting used to, but I love it. I needed a fresh start, and my hair was the easiest of all the things I wanted to change.
“Thank you,” I say awkwardly. I had a whole speech ready for when Becca had finished reaming me out, but that hasn’t happened and now I’m a little lost.
Becca cocks her head to the side. “It’s not just your hair that looks good, Sloane. You seem…healthier.”
I swallow back a fresh set of tears. “I’m getting there. I…Becca…”
“I know you’re going to say sorry, and I appreciate it. I’m not going to let you off the hook completely because you hurt me, Sloane. But…and this is important, I do forgive you. I know you’ve needed time to figure shit out, and I really hope you being here means that’s happened.”
I nod, lean over, and take her hand. “I’m much better than the last time you saw me, that’s for sure. I…I’d like to explain, if that’s okay with you?”
Mom interrupts with a tray of fresh lemonade—that I’m pretty sure she has in bulk somewhere—and Becca’s Doritos.
“I’ll be in the living room if you need anything,” she says to both of us.
Once Mom is inside, I take a deep breath and return my full attention to Becca.
“Two years ago, I was at rock bottom,” I begin.
“My anxiety and stress were completely out of control, and I felt like I was drowning. Every day became a struggle to get up, let alone function at the level needed to pass my courses. The anxiety meds weren’t helping, and the negative voices in my head became so loud I couldn’t hear anything else. ”
Becca squeezes my hand in support.
“I…I started partying instead of asking for help because I just wanted a rest from it all. I was sick of feeling out of control. Obviously, the more I partied the further behind I got. Then it was a rush to catch up, which meant I had to choose between homework and talking to you guys on our weekly chats, etc. Eventually, our chats became another source of stress.”
Becca furrows her eyebrows but remains silent.
“I felt like I was letting you all down every time I had to cancel a call or didn’t reply to our text thread. My brain reasoned it was best to step away. Stop you all from having to deal with my shit.”
“Sloane.”
“I know, I know. But at the time, I was convinced it was the right thing to do. After I asked Eden for space, I fell further into the black hole that had become my life. Every time I thought of college, I panicked. Every time I thought of you, Eden, and the others, I panicked. There was no respite.”
“So you retreated,” she says softly.
“I hid,” I state. “I hid from everyone I love because life was simply overwhelming.”
Becca goes to say something, but I cut her off.
“I know you would have been there if I’d asked. So would Eden, but there was no way I could. I already felt guilty that my friends were having to put up with me being neurotic. I wouldn’t have been able to accept you taking time out of your lives to deal with me in such a state.”
“We just wanted to help,” she says.
“I know, but I couldn’t see it. I couldn’t get out of my own nightmare long enough.”
“So how did you get help? Was it Alex?”
Biting my lip again, I flex my hands a couple of times to help work out some nerves still racing around my body.
“It was actually Jenna.”
“Jenna? As in our Jenna?”
“Yes. She…she showed up during the Christmas break, took one look at me and called my parents. She also shouted at Alex…a lot.”
Becca chuckles. She’d never been a fan of Alex. “What did she say?”
Sighing, I can’t help but laugh too. “Jenna was furious that Alex hadn’t called my parents sooner. She screamed at her for being a shit friend only interested in getting in my pants. Then she kicked Alex out of my room.”
“Damn, I would’ve loved to have seen that.”
“I didn’t really know what was going on at the time, but looking back, I know she was right to call Alex out.”
Becca hums. “Let me guess. Alex’s version of helping you was to get you piss drunk every weekend?”
Sighing, I release Becca’s hand and tap the table softly. “Yes, Alex was always up for partying, but I made my own decisions. I can’t put it on her.”
“No, but anyone with eyes could see you were struggling. Jenna was right, she did just want to get in your pants.”
“Becca. Alex…Alex has her faults but she’s a decent person.”
“Uh-huh. Did she tell you I came to see you last year?”
My eyes widen. “What do you mean?”
“Yup. I came to visit you because I was worried sick. You’d disappeared from everyone’s lives, and I tried to give you space, but eventually I had to know you were okay.
Your mom and dad told me you were getting help, but that’s all.
I needed to see you with my own eyes, but Alex stopped me.
She was in your dorm room when I arrived. ”
“When was this?”
“Last spring.”
“I…I checked into a therapy center for a month.”
“Yeah, Alex told me. She also told me I should just leave you alone because all I was doing was making you worse.”
“What? Becca, I never—”
“I know I shouldn’t have listened, but I was just so happy you were getting help, and by all accounts feeling better, so I walked away. I figured you’d contact me if you wanted to.”
“But I didn’t,” I reply quietly.
“No, but that’s okay. You’re here now.”
“I had to get through college, Becca. That’s all I could focus on. I just wanted to be out of there, but I couldn’t fail, so I put all my energy into graduating. As soon as I got my diploma I moved back here, because I needed to be at home. I needed to start looking forward.”
“That’s so good to hear, Sloane.”
“I need you, Becca. I have no right to waltz back into your life, but I love you and I’m so sorry you got caught up in my problems.”
Becca snorts. “Girl, you’ll always be my sister, no matter what. I may have you buying me dinner until we’re old to make up for the ghosting, but trust me when I say I’m here for you. Always, Sloane.”
The waterworks kick back in again and we spend more time crying into each other’s shoulders.
Sufficiently cried out, we both take a second to rehydrate. Becca shoves a handful of chips into her mouth. It already feels like old times, and my heart sings a quiet, hopeful song.
“Enough about me for now. What about you?” I ask.
There is still plenty to talk about, and I could spend the entire afternoon filling Becca in on my treatment plan and therapy, but all that can wait. We have time.
I have time.