Chapter Thirty-One #3
Suddenly, he was shoved against another wall.
This time, though, Theos held him in place with a forearm across his throat.
And then leaned in. Finnvid couldn’t breathe.
He tried to gasp, dug his fingers into Theos’s arm, then just stared, eyes wide, paralyzed with confusion and fear.
It felt like forever, but really Finnvid had probably only missed a few breaths by the time Theos pulled his arm away and growled, “That’s dying, Finnvid.
It’s not romantic, and it’s not peaceful.
I’ve seen men drown in their own blood, I’ve seen them trying to shove their own guts back inside themselves while they leak shit through the holes.
If things don’t go well tomorrow, that might happen to me, but it will not happen to you!
Do you understand? If I’m captured or killed, you’ll run to the warlord and thank him for rescuing you.
You’ll kiss his feet and do what he says and you will live, Finnvid. Do you understand me?”
“I’ll live long enough to cut his throat in his sleep,” Finnvid snarled with what little breath he had. “Or to break you out of his jail. But I won’t run away. No. I can’t do that.”
“You can.”
Finnvid pulled his head back and narrowed his eyes. “So why don’t you do the same? You don’t need to stay here. We’ve proved we can survive in the mountains in the winter. Come with me, and we’ll just go, and find somewhere new to live. We can leave all of this behind.”
Theos frowned. “You know I can’t. This is— It’s my family. My children, my friends. I can’t walk away and leave them.”
“I did,” Finnvid said. “I left everyone who cared about me, everything I’d ever known.
” He took a deep breath and found the courage to continue.
“I did it for you, Theos. I ran away from my world, and the space in my heart where it all used to be? I filled it with you. And I’m not sorry.
I made my choice, and I don’t regret it.
But if you think I left all that behind, and then if something happens to you, I’ll just leave you behind and go find something else?
You’re wrong. And stupid. I love you, Theos.
You don’t need to love me back; it doesn’t change how I feel. ”
“Of course I love you,” Theos said. He sounded confused.
Finnvid was tempted to let it go, then. He could carry on with those words in his heart, and if he and Theos didn’t survive the next day he could die with them still ringing in his ears.
But he couldn’t fool himself. “Like you love Andros. And the mothers of your children. And the Sacrati. And probably even your mother and sisters. Like that.”
Theos frowned. “I don’t know. Like Andros, yes. He’s—he’s my close friend. He means more to me than the other Sacrati. More than all the other people you said. So, like that. But . . . but different.”
“Different,” Finnvid said, and his courage deserted him. Or maybe his wisdom reasserted itself. Different was good enough. Being like Andros was good enough. Finnvid shouldn’t, couldn’t, expect more. So he took Theos’s hand and tugged him forward. “Baths at the temple. Let’s get clean.”
Theos didn’t budge. It was frustrating to see that he barely even had to brace himself in order to withstand Finnvid’s movement, but that was an aggravation for another time.
“What?” Finnvid asked. “You don’t want a bath?”
“I want you,” Theos said. He still sounded confused, or even angry, but he seemed to be trying to talk through it.
“You know that, right? You’re . . . special.
I want you like I don’t want the others.
I want to—to protect you? Sometimes. And sometimes I want to strangle you, but less of that, lately.
I like talking to you, and sometimes I even like listening to you.
You make me think about things I don’t really want to think about, but I know that I should.
I’m . . .” He frowned, clearly consulting something fairly deep inside himself.
“I’m better. Because of you. You’re good for me. ”
“Like medicine.”
“Like broth,” Theos said, and he grinned, wide and true and beautiful.
“But better. Like a big meal, and it starts with broth, and I get impatient because that’s a waste of everyone’s time, but then the good stuff comes.
And it’s really good, and it makes me strong, and even though I don’t know all the flavors yet, I like it.
I like that I don’t know all the flavors. ”
Finnvid nodded. It was more, much more, than he’d expected.
Theos didn’t have a word that meant what Finnvid wanted; he didn’t even seem to have the concept.
But he had something of his own, and he’d gone out of his way to share it.
He’d struggled to express an unfamiliar emotion because he somehow knew Finnvid needed to hear about it.
So Finnvid smiled, and leaned back, and kissed Theos, then tugged on his hand again.
“Good. Thank you. Now, a bath. You stink.”
Theos moved this time, and they walked through the streets together, both of them quiet. Finnvid repeated Theos’s words over in his mind, committing them to memory. And he repeated them in his heart, and committed them to Theos.