Chapter 34 Katarina #3
My gaze dropped to the ground. Half frozen and thawed, the shape was hard to make out, but when I picked it up, I knew.
A bouquet of snowdrops. My heart froze inside my chest, the sense of betrayal cutting through me like a knife.
Everyone in my life had tried to control me, manipulate me. Every single person had taken my choices away from me.
I’d thought my own personal demon was different, but those snowdrops didn’t lie.
He’d been here. He knew . . . and he’d never told me.
“He’s just like the rest of them,” I muttered to the wind. “I can’t trust him.”
I sensed Lucy’s concern; it was suffocating. I rose slowly, my knees screaming at me.
An electronic ringing filled the air, and Lucy answered her phone, watching me warily the entire time.
“Is that Giada?” I asked her.
She nodded and passed me the phone. “Do you want to talk to her?”
I put the phone to my ear.
“Katarina? Are you okay?”
“Did he know? He knew, right? You both did.”
Giada was quiet for a long moment and then sighed. “Would you have told you, considering the state you were in? He was trying to protect you. You’ve remembered him, so you know he cares about you. More than cares. He loves you, in his own twisted way.”
“Love?” The word was strangled.
“Yes, love. No matter what else you think, he would never have married you if he didn’t love you. He’s no saint, as you know all too well.”
A shocked exhale left me, the ring on my finger suddenly a lead weight.
“Married?” I echoed. The ice from the gravestone had crept into my heart, and now it was encased.
Giada must have heard my surprise and cussed a long stream of Italian down the phone. “Don’t fucking tell me he didn’t tell you yet.”
“No. He didn’t tell me. He decided to keep it from me, just like my mom’s death. Thanks for all your help,” I said stiffly.
“Katarina, you guys just need to talk everything out. Letting go of control doesn’t come easily to Massimo.”
I hung up abruptly and handed the phone back to Lucy. She had a hand clamped over her mouth, having clearly understood what had happened from the one-sided conversation.
“He married you—when?” she said, breathless.
I shrugged. “Last night? When I was . . . unconscious, I guess.”
Lucy watched me with a look that was awfully like heartbreak.
“I’m sorry to get you into all of this. It’s not your problem. You must think you stumbled onto the set of a soap opera,” I muttered, then bit my lip when Lucy stepped forward and embraced me hard.
Her hug was unexpected but so, so welcome.
She held me tightly. Her hand soothed circles on my back. I would have cried then, if there had been even an inch of warmth left in my chest. But I couldn’t. Everything was cold. And I felt finished.
“I’ll leave here, you’re right, it’s too damn cold.” I drew back from Lucy’s arms.
Her relief was palpable. She nodded quickly.
“It’s a shock. Give it time to sink in. All of this has been so hard, and terrible, and it will take time to process,” she babbled.
We walked toward the exit of the church grounds.
My feet crunched over hard ice and sank into unplowed snow.
At the gates, I turned and glanced back at the path toward my mother’s grave.
I didn’t want to leave. I wished I could just go back there, curl up, and lie on her grave, and finally fucking rest, with the one person who had been my family.
Yes, she might have believed others over me in the end, but she was still the only person I’d ever had.
I nodded at Lucy, but I knew in my heart that I couldn’t recover from this. Ice had formed around my heart, jagged and spiky. I could barely breathe it hurt so much.
Somehow, pathetically, it was Massimo’s betrayal that hurt the most. I’d thought I was someone real to him, not just another puppet dancing on invisible strings. I’d been wrong.
“Is there anything else you need?” Lucy asked as Nina drove us back into the city.
“Do you have any money?” I asked bluntly. I didn’t have a penny to my name. I’d have to ask Massimo for it. I’d rather die.
She reached for her wallet. I was past feeling embarrassed or ashamed of my situation. I was homeless, penniless, an orphan . . . the list went on. There was no room for pride in situations like mine.
“Thanks. I’ll pay you back one day,” I promised her.
She shook her head. “Please don’t. I just want to help.”
She looked so beautiful, sitting there worrying about me. I touched her hand.
“Thank you for everything you’ve done for me. Seriously. I don’t know what happened with you in the past, but you saved me. Thank you.”
She shook her head slowly. “Why does everything you’re saying sound like a goodbye? What do you need the money for?”
I squeezed her hand and turned away to stare out the window.
“I can’t stay in this city anymore. I-I don’t understand why they won’t leave me alone, but I’m not safe.”
“Massimo would keep you safe,” Lucy offered quietly.
A smile that tasted bittersweet touched my lips. “Safe, and controlled, and imprisoned. Different cage, same life. I just want to be free,” I said.
“But you care about him.”
I nodded. “Yes, and that’s what hurts the most. I just want to make my own choices for once. It shouldn’t be a luxury, but it’s become one to me.”
Lucy sighed slowly. “I get it. More than you realize. If you want to leave the city, come with me. Nina and I are going back to Florence this afternoon on the train. Come with us.”
“I couldn’t impose. You’ve already helped me so much.”
“I have a far-too-big apartment, and the city is beautiful, and it’s far away from here. And as for helping selflessly . . . honestly, it’s been nice . . . having a friend.” Lucy jerked her head toward Nina, sitting in front of us. “Most people are scared off by Nina, and me . . . sometimes.”
“You?” I laughed. “What could be scary about you?”
“I can be more impulsive than I look. Apparently, according to my sister’s husband, I can be a handful.”
She appeared so innocent while saying it, I couldn’t help but laugh.
“I can’t imagine it, honestly.”
“Well, stick around long enough, and you’ll see,” Lucy said, and sighed again. “I manage to get myself into more than my fair share of trouble.”
“Well, you do approach random bedraggled strangers running for their lives in train stations instead of turning the other way like everyone else.”
Lucy’s face lit up with an impish smile. “I don’t want to pressure you. The train is at five p.m. Just know that you’re welcome to come with me. The choice is yours.”
The choice was mine, for the first time in my life.
The ice wrapping around my heart hardened as a blizzard stormed inside me.