Chapter 11
THEOBALD
Iwake as something warm moves against me.
Opening my eyes I see it’s Emmett, curled up beside me in bed.
I watch him for a minute, his eyelids twitching in sleep, his long eyelashes fluttering against soft pink cheeks, and his plump rosy lips part slightly as he breathes.
He looks innocent, vulnerable, and younger than his years.
It’s a stark contrast to how he looked last night, his beauty hiding a demon who tempted me.
I failed last night. I failed to be strong in the face of temptation, and in my fury, I failed Emmett.
I spent a long time after I’d sent him away, walking the cloister, knowing I’d hurt him.
I did not seek redemption through prayer; it didn’t help my resistance last time.
By rights, the next highest ordained member of the monastery should hear my confession, but I would rather face the gates of hell alone than confess anything to Brother Kennard.
Instead I walked in darkness and muttered my sins so only God could hear them.
I asked for clarity, and the only guidance I received was that it’s Emmett’s forgiveness I should ask for.
He stirs slightly but doesn’t awaken. After the way I treated him, I marvel at the courage he had to climb into my bed.
That he has, gives me some hope that he might not truly think me the monster my lust and shame made me into last night.
He moves again, flinging an arm across me.
I don’t push it off, instead I lightly run my fingers up his arm and across his shoulder, and his skin is as soft as it looks.
I allow myself these few minutes of indulgence, because right after I’ve apologised, I will sign the settlement and send him on his way.
It’s far too dangerous for him to stay here any longer.
I’ve already broken my sacred vows and made a mockery of my position.
If he remains I know I’ll do it again. I can already feel the pull of wanting to hold him close, like a precious piece of treasure to be revered and guarded.
I cannot do so and also preach the virtues of my order, expecting everyone else to follow them while making exceptions for myself.
“Mmmm, that’s nice.” His sleepy voice startles me and I remove my hand. “Please don’t stop.” I return to my gentle stroking and his eyes blink open. A smile forms on his face that lights up the room.
“I’m sorry, Emmett,” I say and his smile fades. “What I did last night was wrong. I was angry with myself and I hurt you because of it.”
He reaches out and strokes his hand down my chest. I don’t deserve his goodness and my guilt deepens.
“Can you please forgive me?”
“I don’t think that was really you last night. Not the man I’ve come to know over the last couple of days.”
“You don’t know me at all, Emmett.” I sigh. It seems I don’t either, or rather I don’t like who I really am.
“I see a good man, who has given his life to service. Who cares for those he’s responsible for. You don’t turn away those in need, instead doing everything you can to help. You’re kind and compassionate. People look up to you, for care and leadership.”
“Emmett—” I don’t feel worthy of his words.
“I’m not finished.” He looks up at me, his blue eyes like a midsummer’s sky. “You’ve shown me a kindness that few have in my life. When I’m with you, I feel safe. And I’ve never desired anyone before as much as I do you. I sought you out last night in the hope that you wanted me too.”
“I did want you. You’re beautiful, you’re brave and good. My lust shamed me, but it was no excuse for what I did. Please forgive me.”
“Of course.” His smile returns and the hard knot in my chest eases.
He shifts to sit up and a grimace crosses his face.
“Are you sore?” I ask, and he frowns.
“Kind of. It did hurt last night, even though it felt so good. Today it’s not exactly terrible, but I know what I did. Is it always like that?”
“No, not at all.” I try to reassure him. “In my anger, I didn’t take enough time to make sure you were ready.”
“So next time it’ll be better?” he asks eagerly and moves to wrap his arms around my chest. I grab his forearms and hold him off.
“There cannot be a next time. I’ve already gone too far.
Being with you puts everyone here at risk.
” I let go of his arms and he doesn’t make a move towards me again.
Instead his shoulders slump, which feels worse.
“It’s too perilous to continue. I might as well sign my own death warrant. Surely you can understand that?”
He drops his head but doesn’t answer me. It breaks my heart but I need to be strong. Though I haven’t been so far. I scrub my hand down my face.
“We’re going to get dressed, and then we’re going down to my office. I’m going to sign that settlement and then you need to leave immediately.”
“No!” His head snaps up, his eyes wide with horror.
“Emmett—” I’m interrupted by a loud knock on the door, and I make a sign to Emmett for him to keep quiet. I quickly reach for my tunic and pull it over my head, and quickly tie the rope round my waist before cracking open the door. I breathe a small sigh of relief that it’s Abel and no one else.
“Brother Kennard is wanting your presence. He says there’s been an altercation amongst a couple of the brothers.”
We’re a peaceful order, so disagreements are rare, but tensions are high at the moment, so it doesn’t totally surprise me.
“And he can’t deal with it by himself?”
“He says not,” Abel replies solemnly.
“Alright, tell him I’ll be there shortly,” I tell Abel, and he nods. I watch until he’s disappeared from view before shutting the door and turning back into the room.
Emmett is still in my bed, his face still cast downwards.
“Get dressed and get your papers. I’ll be back as soon as I can,” I say, putting my scapular round my shoulders and settling my cowl over the top before slipping on my sandals.
I reach the door and pause to glance back at Emmett.
He looks so small and forlorn in my bed, and when he raises his eyes to mine they’re brimming with tears.
I fight the urge to return and comfort him, remembering that strength is what I need now to save us all.
I pull the door shut behind me, and with a weary heart I make my way to the chapter house where Brother Kennard will have gathered all those involved.
I reach the heavy door and hesitate, to take a deep breath and gather myself first. Then I push open the door and look sternly at those seated in the front row of seats.
I sit in the heavy wooden chair, ready to hear the cases and to dispense justice and discipline, and I try not to think about it being the same place I’d fucked Emmett only a few hours ago.