Chapter 3
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Zara
What had she been thinking? She’d kissed Noah in the back of the town car on the way to the hotel. She wanted to scream, cry, and then kiss him all over again.
She was afraid if she did it again, she’d never want to stop.
And that was a freaking problem. Noah was as good at kissing as he was at everything else, which was really fucking annoying.
Could this car move any slower? All she wanted was to be back in her hotel room where she could lock the door behind her, lie in her bed, and stare at the ceiling where she would definitely not be thinking of Noah Ashe.
Not completely true. If she were being honest, she”d say she wanted Noah on that bed with her with his head between her legs.
Yeah, that was more like it. She could only imagine that the man was very good at eating pussy. He seemed to have a knack for being good at things.
And boy, did she want to find out.
Again, no. She was not going to find out if his mouth worked miracles. She wanted to put him as far in the back of her mind as possible. She didn”t want to think about Noah Ashe. She’d be happy if she never had to hear his damn name again.
She felt the car slow down and looked out the window, seeing they were back at the hotel. Before the car could come to a complete stop, she had the door open and was on the move. She walked as quickly as her legs would take her without actually running. Luck was on her side when she reached the elevators, and one was open. She was punching the button to her floor so hard that she thought she might break a nail. Before the doors closed, Noah slid inside next to her.
“Are you really running away from me?” he asked.
She stood silently, staring at the numbers as they went up. She was not going to engage with him.
“Zara.” The way he said her name, smooth and sexy, had her clenching her legs together. “You just kissed me in the back of the car, and now you”re giving me the silent treatment. Real adult.”
That did it. Nobody got to criticize how she acted. She was the fucking queen of the adults. “Screw you, Noah. I wasn”t the only one kissing in the back of that car.”
“I never said you were, but I”m not the one trying to pretend like it didn”t happen.”
“What does it even matter to you? It”s not like you wanted to kiss me. You just did it because I kissed you.”
His head whipped back like she hit him. “Are you fucking crazy? You think I didn”t want to kiss you?”
She shook her head several times. She didn’t want to think about him wanting to kiss her. That would only lead her astray. “I”m not doing this. We don”t need to talk ever again. The deal is finalized. Hannah will be back to being your agent, and you and I never have to be in the same room again.”
The elevator doors opened, and she ran out, turning left and heading to her room. She had her key card already out, hoping to open her door quickly. Before she knew it, Noah was there, flipping her around and pressing her back against the door.
His nostrils flared, and his eyes held so much heat. “Why are you pushing me away?”
She had no answer. Technically, she had several, but none came out since he’d shocked her speechless.
“I wanted to kiss you,” he said. “I want to kiss you again.” He dropped his forehead against hers, his breathing erratic and tickling her skin.
She knew what was happening. She just wasn”t sure if she wanted to stop it or beg him to move along faster.
All the hate she could gather for him for all those years since that night of the fire was not really hate at all. It was frustrating because she felt something for Noah. The night of the fire, she’d thought she saw something in his eyes. Desire, want, need, and then before either one of them could act on those feelings, fire alarms were going off. Then, when she turned to talk to him, to thank him, he was gone, and that made her assume he’d forgotten about her in all the years since. He never spoke to her again or tried to get in touch with her.
Until a few months ago, when he asked her to be his agent, it was like he didn”t even know she existed. He says he did, but that just didn”t make any sense to her, and she couldn”t seem to wrap her brain around it.
It didn”t matter that she wanted to kiss him again. It didn”t matter that her pussy was wet with need. None of that could matter. Noah was off-limits for many reasons. One was that he would never know what that night meant to her. How it had affected her.
She pushed him away, pressing her key card up against the keypad on the door handle. “Go to your room, Noah.” She slammed the door in his face once she was inside her room, leaning back against it and sliding to the floor.
She closed her eyes, wondering what in the hell had happened in the last five minutes. It probably wasn’t even five minutes. More like three. The kiss, the argument, another argument, his lips against hers, his breath against her face, his eyes boring into her, telling her that he absolutely wanted her, and ending with her slamming the door in his face. Why had she turned him away? Why had she said no?
She rubbed her temples with her hands, wondering if it was too late to change her mind. Couldn’t she sleep with Noah once just to get him out of her system? Even if she didn”t like him? He was cocky, annoying, and drove her absolutely mad.
And yet, he was also none of those things. He was good at baseball, he didn”t cause problems, and he was never in the news. Hannah spoke highly of him, Heath did the same. Everyone else seemed to like Noah. She was the only one who despised him.
Which wasn’t even true.
Why was that?
Hello, because she didn”t despise him at all.
She couldn”t go there. She was not going to admit that she liked Noah.
That was a death sentence.
Both to her career and her sex life.
While she might like other guys she dated and slept with, she’d never let her feelings get this deep. This out of control. She liked to keep things simple. Sex and friendship, that was it. There was never any more.
She wasn’t about to change that now, not even if, deep down, she wanted to.
So instead of opening the door to see if maybe, possibly, he was still out there, she pushed herself up off the floor and strode across the room. She moved as far away from the door as she could get. With more will than she even knew she had inside her, she got ready for bed, pushing any and all thoughts of Noah from her mind.
That is, until she laid down in bed, in the darkness, with nothing to do or think of but Noah.
She remembered how his lips felt against hers, how they tasted. The feel of those lips on her neck, the way he gently used his teeth to tease her there.
She wanted him to use those teeth on other parts of her body. Parts that were currently tingling at just the mere thought of him.
She ran her hands up her stomach until she was pressing one against each breast to ease some of the pain. That only seemed to make it worse. Feeling her nipples hard and pebbled under her palm was too much. She had to relieve the pressure.
Flinging her thin tank top off, she cupped her breasts again before giving each nipple a hard squeeze.
She moaned out loud.
It felt so good.
Closing her eyes, she let herself imagine that Noah was in the room with her, in the bed with his fingers on her tits. Just the vision of him touching her had her on edge. Not able to stand it a second longer, she dipped her hand into her underwear and stroked once over her clit, gasping at her touch.
Jesus, she was a powder keg about to burst.
With the practiced precision of a woman who knew her body well, she lost herself in the feelings and sensations. After only a few strokes, she was already on the verge of orgasm. Instead of prolonging it or drawing it out longer, she let go. She let the pleasure take over, moaning and writhing on the bed as she came.
When her breathing settled and she opened her eyes, she thought she’d feel the relief she usually felt after a solo session.
It was the opposite.
She felt empty.
And it pissed her off.
She did not need anyone to make her feel whole, especially a man. Why was she feeling this all of a sudden, and why Noah?
Those two thoughts ran through her head for hours as she tossed and turned and tried to sleep. She finally succumbed to exhaustion around one in the morning but woke up at five, thanks to the time difference between Michigan and Arizona.
Over the years, she’d gotten good at acclimating to wherever she traveled, since she traveled a lot for her work. Waking up early was not normal.
Something else to blame on Noah.
Great, she was already thinking about him. Not how she wanted to start her day.
After two cups of coffee and two hours of work, she decided it was late enough to call Celia.
Her friend would take her mind off Noah.
After several rings, a sleepy-sounding Celia finally answered. “Hello.”
“Shit, are you still sleeping?”
“No, I”m awake,” Celia said, still sounding groggy.
“She’s not awake,” Zara heard Kyle murmur into the phone, “and neither am I.”
They were snuggled in bed together, making Zara suddenly envious. “Damn, just call me later.”
“No, it’s really fine,” Celia said, finally sounding more awake. “I need to get up anyway.” There was some movement over the phone and a loud groan from what sounded like Kyle. “You will survive,” Celia said, obviously talking to her husband.
“Did I cock block him or something?” Zara gave a little chuckle thinking about Kyle being annoyed.
“No, he’s just being a baby and not wanting to get up.”
“Zara, you owe me,” Kyle yelled through the phone.
“Get out of here,” Celia laughed. “Sorry about him,” she said into the phone. “He’s feeling ornery this morning.”
“Is that anything new?” Zara had gotten to know Kyle pretty well the last few months, both as a client and her friend’s husband. He was a good guy who loved Celia and Jasmine madly. Finding out he had a child with the one woman he’d loved forever had been a shock to him, but only for a matter of hours. His love for Celia outweighed her keeping his child from him, especially once he knew all the reasons behind it.
“Not really,” Celia said easily, like it was totally normal for Kyle. “What’s got you calling me so early when you’re going to see me in a few hours?”
Zara sighed into the phone before taking it away from her ear and putting it on speakerphone. She set the phone on her bed as she sat down and leaned back against the pillows. “I kissed Noah Ashe.” Once the words were out of her mouth, she felt a little bit better.
She knew Celia was still on the line, but no sound came from her.
“Celia, are you there?”
“I’m just processing this massive information. You’re going to need to give me a few minutes.”
Zara tried to stay quiet but, after only a few seconds, couldn”t hold in her words anymore. “It was a mistake.”
“Was it, though?”
It was. It had to be. “Yes. We were both worked up arguing, and it happened.”
“You argue with me all the time, and neither one of us kisses the other one.”
Zara groaned. “It’s not the same.”
“Why is that?” She sounded smug, and Zara knew that could be a trap. She answered anyway.
“Because I don’t like you like that.”
“Aha!”
“There’s no aha.”
“Yes, there is. You like him, you just said.”
“I said I didn’t like you like that, meaning I don’t want to kiss you because you have the wrong body parts.”
“Which means you admit you like Noah because he has the right body parts.”
That had her pausing. She could have said that a million different ways, but she’d chosen her words for a reason. “Shit.” She drew in a deep breath. “I sort of think I might like him.”
“Duh, I already told you that. Now tell me about this kiss.”
The kiss was the last thing Zara wanted to relive. It was also the only thing she could seem to think about. “I had to accompany him to a meeting since Hannah couldn’t make it, and afterward, in the car on the way home, things kinda got heated. He asked if I hated him, and then we got into it about the night of the fire, and before I knew what was going on, we were both lunging for each other, and his lips were on mine, driving me out of my mind.”
“Sounds hot.”
Oh, was it ever. “Celia, help me,” she practically cried. “I can’t like Noah.”
“Why not. What’s wrong with Noah?”
Nothing. Absolutely fucking nothing. That was the problem. “I don’t date athletes and not at all for the same reason you didn’t. This is my life. My job. And I fucking love my job. Guys are for fun, and I’ve enjoyed having fun with them. They don’t pay the bills or get the accolades for doing an amazing job. I love the feeling of making a deal that nobody thought was possible. It’s better than sex.”
“Then you’ve been having the wrong kind of sex.”
“No, I haven’t. I’ve been having the perfect kind of sex for me. Fun, enjoyable, hot, and no commitment. It’s perfect.”
“Doesn’t seem like it.”
“Are you going to give me any actual advice or just string words together that aren’t helping?”
“I think I’m helping a lot. You are being stubborn and trying to avoid feeling anything for a man that you obviously have some sort of feelings for. Making you see that is my only job.”
Zara frowned, closing her eyes and pressing her fingers against her temple. “I seem to remember being much more helpful when you were getting together with Kyle.”
This time, Celia sighed. “Damn, I can’t dispute that because you were a major factor in helping us, but I also know that you and I are different. You are more hard-headed than anyone I know, and for years, you’ve told yourself that you hate Noah. That won’t go away overnight, and it’s my job to help you fix that.”
Zara, in barely a whisper, asked, “Why is this happening to me?”
“I think a better question you need to ask yourself is, does Noah like you too? Because if he doesn’t, this is all really for nothing. You can just forget about him and move on.”
As if. “Um, I’m pretty sure he likes me.”
“Pretty sure isn’t sure.” The insinuation that Noah didn’t like her was apparent and put her on the defensive.
Zara replayed everything he said to her in the car, in the elevator, and against her door. From those things, she knew he wanted her. The question was, did want also mean like? “I have no fucking clue.” And that was the honest truth. “I can tell when a guy I’m seeing starts liking me more than he should. I can see the signs from a mile away, and I end it quickly before it gets out of hand. With Noah, I can’t seem to think at all.”
“That’s it,” Celia said. “Get yourself together and get over here. We can vent and drink at the same time.”
Relieved that her friend understood how difficult this was for her, Zara agreed. Within thirty minutes, she was at Celia’s house with a mimosa in her hand.
“Isn’t this better?” Celia asked.
“What did you tell Kyle?” She might love him, but she wasn’t sure she was ready for him to know about her feelings for Noah.
Shit. Feelings. She had feelings for Noah. She’d never had feelings for anyone. She was at a loss for what to do.
Celia waved her hand above her head. “I told him we needed girl talk and to go bother Heath. And because he loves me, he did.”
Zara rolled her eyes. “You two are seriously annoying.”
“We are nothing of the kind. Don’t piss all over my relationship just because you don’t know what real feelings are.”
Knowing they were alone, she let out a loud scream into the air. They were sitting outside on the patio, the Arizona heat already making itself known.
“Feel better,” Celia asked calmly.
“No, but thanks for asking.” She felt as shitty as she ever had in her life. There was a reason she picked guys who she knew she wouldn’t have feelings for, who would never be more than just for sex.
Celia laughed as she picked up her drink. “Anything to help.”
“Cel, what am I doing?”
“You’re being human.”
“I don’t like it. I want to go back to having no feelings.”
“Is that really better? Also, is that even true? Are you telling me you haven’t been thinking about Noah since the night all those years ago?”
“What do you mean?”
“You hated him for all these years because of that one incident. Why would you hate him if it didn’t matter in the grand scheme of things? Why would you ever even think about it?”
“Because it was humiliating.” She’d been a pretty confident person until that point in her life. With school, with friends, and with guys. Sex had made her feel even more confident. When Noah had scooped her up and tossed her over his shoulder, running out of the building, all that confidence went out the door.
“Was it really? Unless you tell the story, no one knows about it. There aren’t people walking around going, ‘remember that night the building burned down and a man carried a woman out naked?’ Nobody”s doing that.”
“How do you know? Maybe people who were there still talk about it.”
Celia narrowed her eyes. “Give it up, Zara. Admit that you like Noah, and I can help you figure out what to do. The other option is to keep lying to yourself and me, and be miserable.”
Zara pursed her lips. She’d said the words out loud earlier on the phone with Celia, but repeating them would mean they’re real. Could she do that? For the first time in her life. Even more, could she admit to herself that she had real feelings, not just sexual ones, for someone?
She was starting to hate being a strong, confident woman. Maybe she’d change herself into someone meek and fearful.
Who was she kidding? She was already fearful. Fearful of love, of losing herself, of what would happen if she wasn’t the most competent person in the room.
Taking a large drink of her mimosa, she tried and failed to calm her nerves before speaking. She was about to take a giant leap. “I—” she stopped before starting again. “I like Noah.” Was her heart beating out of her chest? It fucking felt like it.
“Finally,” Celia pumped a fist in the air, the elation of Zara’s declaration evident.
“Gloating is not pretty on you.”
Celia flipped her off. “I’m pretty all the time.”
That was true. Celia was beautiful. “Now what?”
“Now you talk to Noah.”
She shook her head from side to side over and over again. “Oh no, that’s not happening.”
“How do you picture this going if you don’t plan on talking to him?”
She frowned, looking down at her almost empty drink. “I was thinking I could avoid him the rest of this trip and then send him an email when I get home.”
“An email, really? Who are you, Joe Jonas?”
“First, get it right. Joe Jonas made a phone call. Second,” she frowned, “I can’t see him again right now.” She wasn’t sure she could ever see him again. Not without wanting to do exactly what they did in that car. And more.
“Why is that?”
“Because if I see him, I’m going to want to do more than talk.” An understatement if there ever was one.
“Ohhh,” she drew out the word. “Would that be so bad? What if, and hear me out here, what if maybe you don’t like him, like him, but you just want to sleep with him.”
“You think I just want to have sex with him?” That had her raising her eyebrows.
“I have no idea, but you just said if you saw him, you were afraid you’d sleep with him.”
“Can you quit saying sleep with him? It’s sex. We’d be having sex.” And now she was thinking about having sex with Noah. Again.
“Fine, sex. Why not just have sex with him? That would definitely tell you if it’s the only thing you want from him.”
That had her stopping to think. It wasn”t the worst idea in the world. Plus, going with Celia’s idea meant she got to have sex with Noah.
Win-win in her book.
“Could I do that?” She bit her lip, wondering if this was possible.
Celia shrugged. “I don’t see why not. You obviously have some sort of chemistry. Maybe he’d be happy.”
Zara let the thought run through her mind over and over and over again. It seemed like the perfect option. Maybe she didn’t like him as more than someone she wanted to have sex with. Maybe after a night of hot, sweaty sex, she could move on.
There was a tiny voice in the back of her mind that told her not to do it. That it would not solve her problem.
She was going to ignore that voice and do what she knew would make her feel good.