23. Chapter 23
Rhett
Icould disassemble a bomb easier than I could assemble this damn changing table. The instructions are clear as mud.
“I think this screw was supposed to go on the other piece,” Aspen says from the floor. She’s wearing an old T-shirt of mine I must have left over here. It’s no longer long enough to go to her knees, it stops mid-thigh now that the bump is taking up more room.
“It cannot be this hard. I’ve built entire buildings; I can figure it out.”
I study the diaphragm, trying to figure out where I went wrong and why it doesn’t seem level.
“Yeah, it totally looks like you’ve got this handled. As long as you don’t mind the changing table doubling as a slide.” She crosses her arms and looks at me with a bit too much glee. “Glad you finally opened the instructions though.”
I half-scoff, half-chuckle at her dig. Within a minute of looking at the directions, I realize where I went wrong. Well, there’s about four mistakes, and I have to start over.
“I think I need to try again,” I say, grabbing my drill and pulling out the screws.
“That’s the second best choice you’ve made today,” she says, leaning down to give me a hearty pat on the shoulder.
“Dare I ask the first?” Not really sure my ego can take her answer.
“Basically saying that I was right when you gave in and opened up the directions pamphlet. I love being right.”
It takes me a good hour to disassemble and reassemble, but once I figured out that those numbered pieces were actually important and had a specific place, it went quite a bit easier.
We stare at the changing table in the spare bedroom of her house, and I can’t help but wish we had our own place. Wish we were doing this together.
Her arm comes around my waist, and I throw my arm over her shoulder as she says, “Well, at least that’s done. Thanks for helping.” “I’ll always be here for whatever you need.”
She turns into me, the bump getting in the way, but if she wants a hug, I can do that.
I’ve craved this closeness to her, afraid to initiate and give in to her when I know she deserves better.
“I know.” Her tone is different this time.
Determined almost. She pulls back, her arm sliding up my back until it reaches the back of my hair.
My eyes close without my permission, like my body wants to sink into her touch. The tether between us taut, begging for a break. “Aspen,” I say as a warning.
“It’s okay, Rhett, I know.” She gets up on her tiptoes to kiss my cheek. And I do the dumbest thing I can think of. I turn my head. Giving in to that nagging feeling in the back of my mind that this is right. She is right. We are right.
Her lips touch mine, and for a second, it’s bliss. It’s a quiet moment in a world full of noise. It’s everything I need, but nothing I can have.
Using every bit of self-control I possess, I pull back, just slightly. “You know why I can’t let myself do this to you,” I say, hating this damn looming sense of doom keeping me from her.
Tears fill her eyes and I hate myself even more.
“Actually, I don’t know, Rhett. Do you seriously think I am so shallow that I couldn’t care for you and not grow resentful?
That I couldn’t feel happy with you simply because you are ill?
” Her tears are full-on sobs now. “Is it really even that, Rhett? Or do you not want me? Am I not enough?”
The crack in her voice acts like a shard of glass to my heart.
It shreds it to a million pieces knowing I’m hurting her.
That I am making her feel less than when, in reality, she is my whole world, moon and stars.
The only reason I even give a shit to keep trying.
To seek answers for the small hope that maybe I can love her for a lifetime.
“You seriously think I don’t want you? Aspen, I want you so fucking bad.
I see you every night in my dreams; you haunt me.
The desire to be with you is so great, I cannot escape it.
You invade every thought and dream of mine.
I want you more than I want to live. But what I want cannot be more important than what you deserve.
” That’s always been what this has been about.
Her. She can find someone whose body will work until their lungs give out with old age.
Her sorrow is replaced with red-hot anger. “I am a grown ass woman, Rhett. I am plenty capable of deciding what I deserve.”
“You say that now, but what happens when I’ve lost my strength, and I'm not talking the strength in here,” I pound at my heart, “I’m talking about these.” I slap my legs. “When I can no longer walk.”
“Then I will carry you, I will figure it out, I do not care about your body, Rhett, I want your heart.” Her cheeks are flushed with emotion, tears still spilling from her eyes.
“That’s easy to say now, but I’ve seen a firsthand account of how this disease can tear two people apart. I watched my parents go from blissfully in love to loathing each other when taking care of my grandpa took over every crevice of their lives.”
“Rhett, I take care of people for a living; you can’t seriously think it would be a burden for me to take care of you.”
“If I have this disease, Aspen, it is going to chew up and spit up every last piece of my dignity. My pride will be shattered into pieces so fine, it’ll be impossible to put back together.
How the fuck am I supposed to look you in the eyes and tell you that you’re going to not only be changing our babies’ diapers, but in ten or fifteen years, maybe mine too? ”
Devastation dances across her features as it sinks in.
“See, I can’t ask that of you.”
“You don’t have to ask, because I would gladly do it.
Don’t you dare put me into a category that would keep me away from you, from loving you entirely.
Sickness and health aren’t in wedding vows for shits and giggles, Rhett.
I would die happy if I knew I had given you back your dignity, that you could go out knowing you were never less to me than the man you are now. We are not your parents.”
Her words reverberate deep down, striking deep.
We are not your parents.
Her words reverberate off the walls of my mind down to my heart, sinking in and letting hope bloom.
Her face isn’t the only one covered in devastation, mine quickly follows. My heart is warring at what it wants and what it thinks is safe. As a man, it’s my job to protect her, and I cannot protect her from this.
She takes a steadying breath, coming up to me and grabbing my hands.
“Rhett, your body is only one small piece of you. If it fails, there are still a million things left for me to adore. You aren’t protecting me by keeping me at arms distance; you’re hurting me.
Which kind of defeats you being a martyr, doesn’t it? ”
Aspen has a knack for having words hit hard and true. Add that to the laundry list of reasons I can’t stay away from her. The reason I cannot stop myself from loving her, even when I want to.
“I will not beg for you, Rhett. I need you to quit being a stubborn asshole, and just be here with me. Live life with me, please.”
What the hell is wrong with me? I have the most beautiful woman in my world asking for me to let her in.
Asking for my heart. What kind of asshole rejects the woman carrying his child, especially when I love her?
I love her so much more than she could even begin to wrap her mind around, but I’ve messed this up so badly that I’ve made her think less of herself?
Fuck that.
I look longingly at her face for a moment before I take the leap. I step to her, pulling her closer to me, and I wrap my hands around the back of her neck. She is so soft compared to me, in all the ways. Open and loving when I am guarded and broken.
And she still chooses me.
“Okay.” It’s the last word I mumble out before my lips meet hers. This disease might kill me, but not loving her is a sure-fire way to kill whatever is left of my heart. So, I’m choosing hope.
Her mouth moves rhythmically with mine. My body relaxes, like it’s heaved out a giant sigh of relief now that she’s back in my hands.
“I’m all in Aspen. Whatever you want, I want too, baby,” I whisper against her lips.
I feel her warm tears mingle with mine. This will be the last time I make her hurt, the last time I ever make tears fall from her eyes again.
“I want you, Rhett. All of you.” Her hands heatedly run up and down my body. It’s been far too fucking long, causing the heat and fire to build to a level that is all-consuming.
“I’m yours,” I say as I walk backward, leading her to her room. “And I’m about to show what a sorry fucker I am.”
We bust through the door and as much as I want to rush this, I want to take my time.
We’ve never done this admittedly in love before.
To me, this is our first time all over again, except this time, I’m giving her all of me, not just the pieces I think are worthy.
She can have my damaged heart and whatever else. She’s already given me everything.
My lips slowly move against the skin of her neck, pebbling it with kisses. “Have I told you lately just how beautiful you are? How damn good you look carrying my baby?”
I feel her shiver against my breath and my words. “No, you should probably remind me.”
“How about I tell you every damn thing I love about you?” I lean back, not giving her a chance to disagree with my little game.
My hands gently sweep her hair out of her face as I cradle her head between my hands; it’s like I have my whole world within my grasp. “Your brain is too damn smart for your own good. You think quick on your feet and stay logical…most of the time.”
She sticks out her tongue at me, and a chuckle rumbles through me. God, I love her. I thought the big man upstairs had dealt me a shitty deck, but by giving me her, I truly have the winning hand.
My lips quickly brush against hers. “I love this mouth of yours; I never know what’s going to come out of it, but it usually brings me more joy than I can imagine.”
Gently, I pull off her shirt, exposing her breasts, which have swelled up quite noticeably since the last time I saw her.
Fuck, she looks good pregnant. I brush my lips against where I imagine her heart.
“Your heart. You put everyone else first while still not taking any shit from anyone. I want to be more like you.” The last words are a secret confession.
She throws her arms around my neck. “I want you just as you are, Rhett Rivers. You were made for me, and me for you. I wouldn’t change a single thing about you.” Gently pulling, she drags me down to her lips where I surrender.