Chapter Twenty-One Ava
T wo Weeks Later
As I bolted myself into the employee bathroom at Taverna by the Sea, I shook so violently I could barely hang on to the cardboard boxes in my hands. Three brands of pregnancy tests rattled around as I tried keeping myself from screaming.
I was a week late for my period.
For some women, that wasn’t anything out of the ordinary. But from the time I first got mine until today, you could have set a clock by them. I was never early or never late. I had the Goldilocks of periods that were just right on time.
There was only one time I’d had a pregnancy scare, and that was back in college. After a week of chewing my nails down to the quick, my period had finally come. I’d celebrated by getting absolutely plastered and making an appointment for an IUD. Considering it was finals week and I was waiting to hear about my senior internship, I chalked it up to stress making me late.
It was the only time in seventeen years that I had been late. And that trusty college IUD had been replaced over the years with the birth control shot.
The one I stopped taking after Preston left me.
But Dare and I had always used condoms. There would’ve had to be a mechanical failure with one of them for me to be pregnant. The box proudly proclaimed they were 98% effective. Not only was there the pesky 2%, but I also remembered reading the 98% effectiveness dissipated to 86-87% in real world use.
Real world use like when you were both drunk.
For the past week, I’d tried to curb my out-of-control anxiety by assuring myself that it was stress again. I mean, if something as small as finals and an internship could delay my period, then finding out my boyfriend belonged to the Irish mafia and took part in torture and murder could obliterate Aunt Flo right off the calendar.
After placing the other tests down on the counter, I ripped open one. With it in my hand, I slipped inside the stall and closed the door.
Although I’d read the directions five times in the car, I still scanned them again. Under my breath, I mumbled, “If using a strip, hold the absorbent end directly in the urine stream for 5-10 seconds.”
Hiking down my thong, I then did the awkward dance of peeing standing up. I didn’t know how else to get it in the stream without knocking it in the toilet. After adjusting the test, I began counting out loud as I peed some of the water I’d chugged in the pharmacy.
When I reached ten, I removed the strip. Turning around, I placed it on the tank of the toilet. Exiting the stall, I then began pacing around the bathroom. I should’ve set a timer, but with my jangled nerves, I forgot.
So, I continued pacing in a zombie-like trance.
I don’t know how long I kept up it up before I realized enough time had passed to take a peek. With shaky hands, I pushed open the stall door. My heartbeat pounded in my ears as I leaned over the tank.
At the two red lines, bile lurched into my throat. Don’t panic. Don’t panic. Don’t panic. Shaking my head, I muttered, “Could be a false positive.”
I then proceeded to take the other two tests.
Each one was positive.
No, no, no! This couldn’t be happening. I wasn’t pregnant with Dare’s child.
Grabbing my phone, I texted an SOS to Nick. As I paced around the bathroom, I fought the urge to throw up. Was the nausea from the baby or from the realization I was pregnant.
When my phone rang, I swiped it as fast as I could. “Nick, I need you.”
Thirty minutes later, I stumbled into our favorite Mexican restaurant a block from Taverna by the Sea.
Nick was waiting on me in a booth. At the sight of my usual Mango Margarita, I burst out in tears.
With a frown, he said, “I can order you something else.”
“It’s not that.” I flopped down onto the bench seat. “There’s nothing more in the world I want right now than a giant drink, but I can’t have it.”
“Don’t tell me you’re giving up alcohol again? We both know it won’t end well.”
“I wish that was it.”
“What’s wrong?”
“I’m pregnant.”
Horror filled Nick’s expression. “Motherfucking hell,” he murmured.
“That was pretty much my reaction.”
“Are you sure?”
“Three pregnancy tests say yes.”
“They could be wrong.”
“And I’m a week late.”
He winced. “Okay, it’s not looking good.”
“I know.” Grabbing the napkin, I dabbed my eyes. In a trembling voice, I questioned, “Jesus, Nick, what am I going to do?”
He reached across the booth to grab my hand. “First of all, you’re going to take some deep breaths and regulate your system. You look like you might pass out at any moment.”
Nodding, I drew in a couple of soothing breaths. “Now what?”
“You’re going to decide what you want to do. Not what Yaya and Pappouli would want or for society. Just you.”
“You mean keep it or have an abortion?”
“Exactly.”
For a moment, I could only focus on my life now without a baby. Despite my divorce and breakup with Dare, I liked it the way that it was. I couldn’t imagine how a baby would fit into my world.
As for having an abortion, I’d always been someone who believed in a woman’s right to choose despite that it went against my faith in the Greek Orthodox Church. But could I really do it when it came down to it?
“I never really wanted kids,” I said truthfully.
Nick nodded. “I know that. And you don’t have to have this one.”
“Can you see me as a mother?”
“Not exactly.”
“See? I have no business being a mom.”
“That’s not what I said,” Nick argued.
Furrowing my brows at him, I argued, “You agreed with me.”
“I agreed that it was hard to see you as a mom. But seriously, Ava, you’re an amazing person who gives love so freely. You’ve always been like a mother hen to all your nieces and nephews. Any kid would be lucky to have you as a mom.”
Tears welled in my eyes at both his words and his tone. “Thanks. That means a lot.”
“You’re welcome.”
After swiping my eyes, I sighed. “There’s something to consider besides my ability to be a mom. With Dare as its father, what kind of child would I be bringing into the world?”
“He isn’t a monster, Ava,” Nick argued.
“How can you say that?”
“Because it’s the truth.”
“But he–”
Nick shook his head. “Yeah, he does bad things, but when it comes down to it, he’s not a bad person.”
“We’re going to have to agree to disagree on that one.”
“Besides the whole being in the mafia thing, he loves his family fiercely and does everything he can to protect them. He gives a shit ton of his millions to charity. Those aren’t terrible traits for your child to inherit.”
“How do you know he gives to charity?”
Nick gave me a sheepish grin. “That time I googled him when you two first met.
I rubbed my temples. “Why does it have to be so complicated?”
With a sad smile, Nick replied, “Because life’s a bitch.”
A very unladylike snort erupted from my lips at his summation. “That’s so true.”
“If you do have the baby, are you going to tell Dare?”
“Absolutely not.”
“You’re really going to deny your child a father?”
“I don’t want my child raised in that world.” At Nick’s conflicted expression, I countered, “Don’t you think if I had a son, he would be raised to be a killer?”
“Probably.”
I shook my head. “I refuse to allow my child to be a part of that.”
“You’re speaking pretty protectively about a baby you’re not sure you’re keeping,” Nick stated softly.
Was he right? Were my maternal instincts kicking in out of an effort to protect my unborn child? In the end, life was all about change. I was already forging a new one as a divorced woman. I could do the same as a single mother.
“I’m thirty years old. Isn’t it kind of now or never to have a baby?”
“Once again, I’ll remind you that your mother was forty-five.”
“She’d also already birthed three kids.”
“You don’t have to make a decision today. Take your time,” Nick said diplomatically.
“You don’t think I should have this baby, do you?”
He held up his hands defensively. “I never said that.”
“You said to take my time. You want me to keep thinking,” I challenged.
“Because you’re making a life-altering decision. One that will affect you physically, emotionally, and financially.”
“Right. I am,” I murmured defeatedly. Nick was right. There was no way I could possibly make my decision today.
Leaning across the table, he placed a hand on my cheek. “Whatever decision you make, I’m here for you.”
I smiled as tears once again pricked my eyes. “I couldn’t make it without you.”
Motioning to the menu, he said, “Come on. You need to eat.”
Although I didn’t think I could, I knew I had to. Until I made my decision, I had a baby to think of.