Chapter Twenty-Two Dare
A fter dragging myself home from the casino, I collapsed into bed. For the fifth week in a row, I found myself in my new nightly routine of tossing and turning despite my mental and physical exhaustion. As I turned my head on the pillow, the ache in my chest grew deeper at the smell of Ava’s perfume.
Like a true masochist, I’d first refused to let the housekeeper change the sheets. After two weeks, I finally let her take them off. But I kept the pillow she slept on. Somehow after all this time, it still smelled like her.
After a frustrating hour of sleep eluding me, I finally got out of bed. Instead of hitting the gym like I usually did, I felt too fucking exhausted for the treadmill or lifting weights. Desperate for a change of scenery, I slipped a gun into my pocket before escaping out the backdoor so as not to alert my bodyguard. I then headed out into the night.
With a determined step, I made the five minute walk over to my old place. I’d lived there from the time I was fourteen when we came over from Belfast until right before Julianna was born. Quinn and I both had moved out to give Callum’s growing family space. Not only did they add Julianna to the household, but Mam took up a room while Eamon bunked in with Kellan. .
Before I got to the gate, I texted the bodyguard to let him know I was coming. After letting myself in the backdoor, I punched in the alarm code. Reaching in my pocket, I took my gun out and deposited it on the kitchen table.
As I started up the stairs, I couldn’t help shaking my head at what I was doing. If you would’ve told me a month ago I would be longing for the familiar because I was losing sleep over a woman, I would’ve called you a fucking geebag.
But here I was.
Slowly, I turned the doorknob on Juliana’s nursery. With quiet steps, I made my way over to her crib. As I gaze over the railing, I smiled down at her sleeping soundly. Although I knew Caterina and Mam would kill me for waking her up, I just couldn’t resist.
Leaning over, I eased her into my hands. Even at almost five months, she felt ridiculously tiny. When I lifted her up, her tiny brows furrowed as her fists pinwheeled. “T á tú agam, mo storin ,” I cooed against her ear. I’d called her my treasure since the day she was born.
At the sound of my voice, her eyes popped wide. As her gaze focused on my face, the corners of her lips quirked up. Returning her smile, I said, “There’s my sweet girl.”
After shifting her into the crook of my arm, I turned off the monitor so as not to disturb Caterina or Callum. I eased down into the rocker and sat her on my lap. Staring into her dark eyes, I said, “I don’t know why, but I needed to see you, mo storin .”
Gnawing on her fist, Julianna babbled something in response. “I know you don’t understand, but for your Uncle Dare, that’s saying a hell of a lot. Outside of you and Henry, I really don’t like babies or kids.”
At her agitated snuffle, I patted her back. “Hey now, I didn’t say I didn’t like you .” I pulled her up to stand on my thighs. Peering into her face that was so much her mother’s, I pronounced, “You’re everything to me, Julesy.”
As if she understood my words, she gave me a beaming grin and a loud coo. “And I’m your favorite uncle, right?”
Her answer came in her slobbery hand patting my cheek. “I’ll take that as a yes.”
When she bent over and started nuzzling my chest, I mused, “Hmm, I think that must mean you’re hungry. Since I don’t have the goods your mammy does, let’s go get you a bottle.”
After feeding Julianna, I don’t know how long I’d been rocking her when the nursery door creaked open. At the sight of me in the glider, Caterina jumped in surprise. “Dare? What are you doing here?”
“Couldn’t sleep.”
Caterina cocked her brows at me. “So you decided to drive over, let yourself into the house, and rock your niece?”
“Something like that.”
Cutting her gaze to the side table, Caterina eyed the empty bottle. “You fed her?”
“And changed an epic shit bomb.”
Caterina laughed. “Thank you for that.”
“No problem.”
“It must’ve been you who turned off the monitor.”
Wincing, I replied, “Sorry about that.”
Caterina closed the distance between us. “It’s okay. Even if she doesn’t wake up, I still do when it’s time for her night feeds.” After we sat in silence for a few moments watching Julianna concentrate on sleep, Caterina eased down on the ottoman in front of me.
With an imploring look, she said, “Go to her, Dare.”
“Who?”
She rolled her eyes. “Don’t be an ass. You know exactly who I’m talking about.”
“Why would I need to go see Ava?”
“Because you’re miserable without her.”
“I am not.”
“Yes, you are,” Caterina countered.
“Don’t tell me how I feel.”
Throwing her hands up, Caterina cried, “You Kavanaugh men are so fucking stubborn!”
“Shh, you’ll wake Julesy.”
“I’m serious, Dare.”
“So am I.” Plastering on my best fake smile, I said, “I don’t know how you got it in your head that Ava meant something to me. I mean, we were only dating three months.”
“I saw the way you looked at her.” Caterina shook her head. “You’ve never looked at another woman like that.”
At the thought of Shannon, I whispered, “Yes, I have.”
With a sigh, Caterina said, “For what it’s worth, she looked at you the same way.”
My chest constricted. As I fought to keep my emotions in check, I choked out, “I can’t go to her.”
“Can’t or won’t?”
“If I truly care for her, I have to respect her feelings.”
Caterina furrowed her brows at me. “What do you mean?”
It must’ve been Caterina’s past as a novice nun that had me unburdening myself of what happened between me and Ava. When I finished, tears pooled in Caterina’s eyes. “Oh Dare, I’m so sorry.”
“At least now you can understand why we can’t be together.”
Nibbling her lip in thought, Caterina said, “Maybe I could talk to her. Or Isla. We could explain how you aren’t a danger to her.”
“But I am.”
“You would never, ever hurt her.”
“I wouldn’t. But the world I belong to could.”
“You can’t say that for sure.”
“You aren’t blind, Caterina. You grew up in our world. Look at what happened to you and to Isla and to Maeve.” I shook my head. “What woman in her right mind would willingly join this family?”
“Isla did. Despite what happened, she still chose Quinn.” She leaned forward to touch my hand. “Ava could do the same. She just needs to be given the chance”
“She made her decision a week ago.”
With a shake of her head, Caterina argued, “She was in shock after what happened. She wasn’t thinking clearly. Maybe now that she’s had time to think about it,
“You weren’t there. You don’t know how she looked at me…what she said to me.”
“Of course, she was frightened by what she saw.”
“It wasn’t just the fear.” Swallowing hard, I replied, “She said she could never love a monster like me.”
Tears welled in Caterina’s eyes. “I’m so sorry.” With a shake of her head, she replied, “I wish I knew what I could do to help her…and you.”
“There’s nothing to be done. It’s over and done, and there’s not a damn thing that I or anyone else can do about it.” With a mirthless laugh, I added, “Except drink too much and fuck random women.”
“Don’t do that.”
“Too late.” At the disappointment in her face, I sighed. “Trust me, I feel every bit as disgusted with myself as you do right now.”
“I’m heartbroken for you, not disgusted.”
“You sure about that? I I fucked two women last night to try and forget Ava.”
Caterina’s hand flew to her mouth as horror flashed in her eyes. “How could you possibly think that was the answer for a broken heart?”
As I thought of Shannon, I ducked my head. “It worked before.”
But I wasn’t being honest with her or myself. It was months after Shannon before I could even entertain the thought of being with another woman. Maybe it was because I was older and jaded that allowed me to partake in the threesome last night. Basically all I did was partake. I sure as hell didn’t enjoy myself. I came because I had one girl riding my dick and the other riding my face.
With a sad shake of her head, Caterina replied, “I have a feeling you’re lying to me and yourself.”
“As usual, you’re right.”
“Please make sure to tell Callum that,” she teased.
Chuckling, I replied, “I’ll try my best.”
Caterina cupped my cheek. “It’s good to smile on your face again.”
“Don’t get used to it.
As Julianna stirred in my arms, Caterina smiled. “Your Kavanaugh girls will see you through this.”
“I know you will.”
And that was the truth. My family might’ve cost me Ava, but they were the balm to heal my fractured soul.