14. DANIELLE
I woke up to the sound of vultures circling overhead.
It took me a minute to gain my bearings as I looked around.
We were parked in the shadow of a weathered mesa.
Directly out the front windshield, just past the trailer home Alex had rented for us, there was endless sand littered with patches of brush.
I cracked open my door and heard the desert wind whistling through the canyon in the distance.
The vultures' calls were unexpectedly comforting, like hearing a song that invokes a special memory.
Before I even opened my eyes, I could smell the dry, sage-scented air infiltrating the car.
As I opened the door wider, the desert lavender scents drifted in.
The sun was fierce and unrelenting, beating down on the clay-colored sand that stretched before me.
The call of a red-tailed hawk occasionally broke the quiet of the desert.
I’m sure there were deserts more magnificent than this one, but this one was oddly reassuring.
It was freedom. Safety. I was home in a new place, and yet it was as familiar as the curves of my own body.
There was nowhere else I wanted to be in this moment besides here in the thick of the desert air.
It had been so long since I had been outside of a hospital.
Maybe this extreme of a change would heal me.
But, how exactly does one heal a bird with a broken wing?
Not the physical aspect of healing, but the emotional aspect of healing.
Do you break the wing of the predator that hurt it?
Do you run far, far away from the aggressor?
Is revenge better than justice, or is justice the answer?
My thoughts were interrupted. The screech of a hawk pierced the air as if to answer my questions.
The bird heals, but at what cost? Sure, she flies again, but she lives on in constant fear that the bigger bird, the aggressor, is watching somewhere in the shadows.
Waiting. So here I will wait, in the sanctity of this comforting place.
A place that will allow me to heal my soul.
“Oh, good, you’re awake. We’re here.” Cody appeared at my door and opened it all the way, reaching his hand out to help me.
I took his hand and got out of the car. The smell of the earthy air hit me, and I closed my eyes to take it in.
There was no one around for miles, except, of course, whoever was in the other trailer off in the distance.
Maybe that was why Alex sent us here. Cody grabbed all the bags in his hands.
“There’s a small set of stairs to get into the house. Hang tight for one second while I unlock the door and put these inside, then I’ll come back and get you.”
I nodded, watching him disappear into the house with our bags.
I stayed in the open doorway of the car, swinging my legs out to let my bare feet graze the warm morning sand.
The desert stretched for endless miles toward the horizon, a masterpiece of amber and rose.
This sacred place, with its ancient rock formations and shifting dunes, was my new sanctuary.
The feel of the sand beneath my feet reminded me of camping on the beach with my parents when Alex and I were young.
Now, sitting here alone, I felt their presence in the warm breeze that brushed my face.
Alex had known exactly what I needed. He always did. For those few moments, the raw beauty of the landscape was all that was on my mind, washing away everything else. The pain, the fear, all of it dissolved.
"Ready?" Cody asked as he extended his arm in offering.
As he lifted me, the memory I'd been fighting all day came crashing back—the vulnerability of this morning's shower, the gentle way he'd helped me despite my stubborn pride.
Every instinct screamed at me to keep him at arm's length, to build my walls higher.
Part of me wanted desperately to hate him, to find ulterior motives in his kindness, but I couldn't forget how he'd been there when I was at my weakest, how his presence had brought comfort instead of shame.
His actions spoke of a tenderness I hadn't expected, or maybe I hadn't wanted to see.
Maybe Alex's wisdom extended beyond just knowing what I needed. Maybe he knew who I needed, too.
But I couldn't allow myself to explore these feelings, not now. The weight of everything still sat on my shoulders like a lead blanket, and the path to emotional healing was one I needed to walk alone.
As Cody set me down in front of the door with care, I pushed away thoughts of the morning, just like the tumbleweeds being carried off by the wind.
“Well,” he said, putting the key in the door, “here we are. Home sweet home.” He sneered, letting out a little snicker
I rolled my eyes as he opened the door. The apartment was beautiful. It was decorated in a Southwestern theme with warm terracotta and sage green colors. I looked around to take everything in.
The kitchen featured cream-colored adobe-style walls adorned with traditional Native American woven baskets and a massive copper sun sculpture that caught the light.
In the living room, handcrafted pottery and smooth river stones decorated the table, while desert scenes hung over the leather sofa, accented with geometric patterns in earth tones.
Once I glimpsed through the sliding glass door across the living room, I didn't even care what the rest of the house looked like.
Right off the living room was a small deck with a wrought iron table and two chairs on it.
I opened the door and eased myself outside to take in the breathtaking view.
Between the distant mesas, I could see the sun beginning to set, making the canyon walls shades of gold and purple.
I put my cane down and sank into one of the chairs, mesmerized by the desert landscape.
About five minutes passed before Cody joined me outside.
“I called your brother and let him know we got here,” he told me as he sat down in the chair across the table from me, “and don’t worry, there are two bedrooms. One by the door and one in the back. I took the one by the front door, that way—”
He stopped himself, measuring the weight of the words. I knew what he was going to say, but he didn’t want to say it in case it worried me. It did, but it was the truth. I finished his sentence.
“That way, if he finds me, if he breaks in, you’ll know.”
Cody paused for a minute, trying to find the right thing to say to lighten the mood. “Hey, I saw a beer and wine store in town. What do you say? We’re here now, we might as well relax and enjoy ourselves. I’m sure you could use a drink. I know I can.”
A drink actually sounded good, and I hadn’t had one in forever. Cody was right; if we were going to be stuck here, I might as well enjoy myself. Alex would want me to enjoy finding some kind of happiness in the situation, just like we tried to find happiness alone after Mom and Dad died.
“Only if we get to drink it out here.”
Cody laughed. “Deal. You get comfortable, and I’ll run back into town.”
Before Cody left, he dragged the table closer to me and ran inside and grabbed a couch cushion. He lifted my leg, slow and steady, then slid a cushion beneath it, adjusting until I was comfortable.
I lay back in my chair and stared out at the endless desert landscape.
I knew it wasn’t the beach, but I hadn’t even been anywhere with sand since Mom and Dad died.
I remember dad leading us on mini expeditions through the sand dunes, teaching us about different creatures, and showing us how to find crabs by the holes in the sand.
Mom would always pack these amazing picnics, and we'd eat under an umbrella while she told us stories. We’d spend hours on the beach every day.
After they died, Alex and I wanted to go back, but we could never afford to take a vacation.
I knew Mom and Dad had left us money, but Alex always told me it wasn’t vacation money, it was emergency money.
Just once, I wish he had used some for us to get away, but he never did.
I guess this was his way of trying to give me something that reminded me of better times.
I spent longer than I wanted thinking about mom and dad. I could feel the sadness coming.
"You seem deep in thought." Cody walked back onto the balcony with a case of beer. "I hope you're a beer drinker because I went down the wine aisles, and I gotta tell ya, I'd be better off picking out the right feminine products."
I couldn't help but laugh. Sometimes I wanted to hate him so bad, but then I remembered that he got ripped away from his life, too, and he's been nothing but kind and helpful.
"You're safe. I love beer."
"Good, well, I hope you also like cards, because..."
He reached into his pocket and pulled out a brand-new deck of playing cards and waved them in front of my face with the biggest grin on his face.
“I love cards!” I shrieked.
“Good. When we were overseas, your brother and I used to play cards every night during our watch. Sadly for you, you won’t find a game I can’t beat you at because your brother taught me everything I know about cards.”
"Oh yeah?" As I cracked open a beer, I thought that sounded oddly like a challenge.
Too bad he had no idea who he was dealing with.
"Funny, because he learned it all from me.
" I grinned at him before taking a big sip of my beer.
It wasn't anything fancy, but it tasted amazing.
I hadn't had anything except water or juice the whole time I was in the hospital.