Chapter 19
I miss it the second I leave her apartment.
Not in a dramatic way.
Just a quiet absence I notice halfway through the drive to base—like something familiar has been removed and my brain hasn't adjusted to the space yet.
Ava asleep on my chest.
Chloe standing too close.
The way the morning felt like it didn't quite belong to either of us individually.
And then the moment.
That split second where everything narrowed down to her face and mine, and a space that stopped feeling like space.
I nearly kissed her.
That thought hits properly when I'm halfway through security clearance.
Not at home.
Not in the quiet.
Here. Surrounded by noise, movement, routine.
Which is probably worse.
"Sergeant Kane."
I look up.
"Yeah."
The clipboard guy nods me through without waiting for more.
I don't remember walking past the gate.
My head is still back in her kitchen.
Still in that moment where Chloe looked at me like she was about to say something she didn't have words for.
And I didn't either.
That's the problem.
I've always been good at distance.
At keeping things contained. Clear lines. Clean decisions.
This isn't clean.
This is a slow erosion of every boundary I usually rely on without thinking.
I push into the admin building and drop my bag by my desk.
Callahan is already there.
Of course he is.
He looks up the second I walk in.
Grins immediately.
"Oh," he says. "You've got that face."
I don't look at him.
"I don't have a face."
"You absolutely do."
I sit down.
He leans back in his chair, watching me like I'm entertainment.
"Neighbor lady again?" he asks.
I pause for half a second too long.
That's enough.
His grin widens.
"Mate."
"Drop it," I say.
"No," he replies immediately. "You went quiet on me last night, then I woke up to a missed call situation that sounds like domestic bliss chaos—"
"It wasn't—"
"And now you look like you've just come from war and a rom-com at the same time."
I rub a hand down my face.
"I didn't kiss her," I say flatly.
That shuts him up for half a second.
Then:
"...You what?"
I glare at him.
"Nothing happened."
"That's not what I asked."
I don't answer.
Which is answer enough.
He sits forward now, fully invested.
"Oh my God," he says slowly. "You nearly kissed her."
"It was a moment," I correct.
"A moment," he repeats, like it's the funniest thing he's heard all year.
I pick up a pen to keep my hands busy.
I don't need this conversation.
But I also know it's already too late to avoid it.
Callahan watches me carefully now, less joking for a second.
"She kiss you back?" he asks.
"No."
That answer is immediate.
Honest.
He nods slowly.
"Right."
I look at him.
"That doesn't matter," I add.
He raises an eyebrow.
"It kind of does."
"It doesn't," I say again.
But even I can hear the lack of certainty in it.
Because what I'm thinking about isn't whether it happened.
It's that it almost did.
And neither of us stopped it in time.
Callahan leans back again.
"So what's the plan then?" he asks.
"There is no plan."
"That's your problem," he says casually. "You always say that right before everything becomes a plan."
I ignore him.
Start going through the paperwork I'm not reading.
But my mind doesn't stay here.
It keeps going back to her kitchen.
To Chloe's face when she looked up at me.
The way she didn't move away immediately.
That's the way I didn't either.
That's the part that sticks.
Because I know myself.
I know distance.
I know when to step back.
I didn't.
Callahan taps his pen against his desk.
"You going back there tonight?" he asks.
I hesitate.
Just a fraction.
"Yeah," I say.
Simple.
Automatic.
Like, there was never another option.
Callahan lets out a low whistle.
"You're in it," he says.
I don't respond.
Because arguing feels pointless now.
Instead, I lean back in my chair, staring at nothing in particular.
And I think about Chloe holding Ava, as she belongs to her.
About the way she looked at me before I left.
About the space between us that suddenly doesn't feel like enough anymore.
And I realize something I don't say out loud.
I didn't just nearly kiss her.
I thought about what it would mean if I did.
And that's the part I can't ignore anymore.