Chapter 15
15
brIAN
I normally don’t mind making a trip to Boston, but this one sucks. Josh and I had a 10:30 AM meeting with a potential new client who wanted our security system installed in their six business locations. The meeting went well, and I think we will have them signed by the middle of next week. That was about where the good of the trip stopped, though. We met with Alex and Danny for lunch after the meeting to catch up and get an update on everything going on with Kelli’s case.
“There is nothing else to do from our end. Despite my pushing, the case is at a stand-still. No one is actively working on it. Unless he keeps contacting her and Logan and his team can trace it or he finds Kelli and goes after her again, there is nothing else to do right now,” Alex says around a bite of his burger.
I know all of this already, but I still don’t know how to feel about it. All week, my head has been a mess and I have been struggling to sleep. Having Kelli so close has been everything I have been missing for the last four years, but I still won’t let myself truly have her and it’s killing me. To make it all worse, I can see Logan falling for her and even Josh is softening to her. I want her safe and free to live her life, however that looks. I know I need to push to find another way to catch this guy, but that also means she would come back here and I’m not ready to see her go. Hearing her laughter ring throughout the house this week has been the sweetest form of torture.
“How’s Kelli doing up there? You guys better be treating her well,” Danny states as he levels Josh and me with a glare. We warned Kelli not to reach out to people on her phone and specifically not to text anything about where she is or who she’s with. Without knowing just how far this guy’s tech skills go, we don’t want her to risk anything. I know it’s hard on her and Danny to not talk every day.
“She’s been having some nightmares, but other than that, she seems to be handling things okay,” Josh answers before I get a chance to. I look over at him, but he refuses to look at me. She’s been having nightmares? Why didn’t I know this? She never said anything. Neither had Josh. It’s just one more reminder that I have done a shit job protecting her. She’s in my home and I don’t even know what’s going on with her.
We finish up lunch and make promises to keep each other updated before we make our way over to Kelli’s house to check on it and grab some more of her things. The boarded-up windows on the side are the first thing to stand out as we drive up. Danny mentioned at lunch that they had ordered her new windows and they should be installed by the middle of next week. Parking the car, Josh and I walk around the house to examine the back windows, which are boarded up as well. Hot anger rolls through me all over again as I picture Kelli hiding in her bathroom, fearing for her life. Josh and I replace the defaced cameras, and we ensure the rest of the house is closed and boarded up and hasn’t been messed with.
Once inside, Josh hands me a list of items Kelli asked us to grab for her. I make my way into her bedroom to get her clothes. I can’t help but take a moment to look around at her space. Her honeysuckle scent is still lingering, reminding me of having her wrapped in my arms. The big bed in the middle of the room is made up with way too many throw pillows, drawing a smile from me. She has always been a sucker for cozy things. Moving to the closet, I grab the items on the list, then move to her dresser. I grab the few things in there she needs, pausing when I open her underwear drawer. I feel like a pervert, but if this is the closest I can get to seeing her in them, I’m going to take it. I don’t mean to poke through, but red lace catches my eye and I pull out a sexy lace and silk thong with a small heart cutout on the back.
I decide to add that to the bag of clothes just so I can picture her wearing them around the house. I’m about to close the drawer when I notice the edge of a photo sticking out on the side. Reaching back in, I pull out the photo and am immediately taken aback. It’s a photo of us in my mom’s living room taken that last trip home before everything happened. I’m leaning against the wall with Kelli in front of me, wrapped in my arms. She’s smiling sweetly at the camera, but I am too busy staring down at her to notice. I don’t even remember this being taken, but I remember the moment and how good it felt to have her in my arms.
I hear Josh call me from down the hall, so I tuck the photo into my back pocket and head back out. “Everything with her security looks good, all windows locked and it doesn’t look like anyone has been in here. We should head out, though. If her stalker is still watching her house, we really don’t want him to see us here and try to follow us back. Also, Logan called while you were packing to say she got another message from him, this one a lot more threatening. He sent it to us both.” My jaw worked as I tried to tamp down my fear and rage.
As we climb back into my Jeep, I tuck the photo in the visor after throwing her bag into the back seat. Josh notices, but thankfully, he doesn’t say anything about it. I’m grateful that it’s him with me; it’s rare he talks about feelings, unlike Logan. Apparently, that isn’t the case today though. We make it on the highway before he starts his inquisition. “You going to tell me about that photo?”
“No.” I don’t even know what to say about it. I shouldn’t have taken it, but I felt something crack in my chest when I saw it there. Does she still look at it and think of how we felt together? Does she still think of me, because damn it, I have not stopped thinking of her.
“Logan’s into her, you know. Not just in his overly flirty friendly way either. He wants to pursue her and unless you tell him otherwise and soon, something is going to happen between them.” That cuts deep, but I already figured that out. Logan’s never been one to hide his feelings and from what I can tell, she feels something for him as well. I know I should just let it happen. It’s the whole reason I let her go. It will kill a part of my soul to see them together. She was meant to be mine. “You have nothing to say to that, man,” Josh laughs but it lacks humor, “you really are being a pussy, aren’t you?”
“What the fuck is that supposed to mean? And why the hell didn’t you say anything about her having nightmares?” I tighten my hands on the steering wheel, trying to stay calm while Josh glares at me. “Everything I have done is wrong when it comes to her.”
“No shit, jackass. Have you sat and talked to her once since she got here?” I went to say yes but he continued, cutting me off, “I mean talked to her, not at her. You need to shut your mouth and listen to her. And while you’re at it, you need to tell her why you walked away from her and continue to push her away.”
He’s right, I have been avoiding having a real conversation with Kelli. There is no doubt in my mind that she will ask me about why I never came back for her, and I’m not ready to tell her about it. I have some decisions to make when it comes to her, because these back-and-forth conflicting feelings are making me crazy and driving her away. She clearly wasn’t any safer without me, and she certainly seems happy at my house. Admitting to myself that her happiness might have nothing to do with me is making my chest feel tight. If I felt certain that I could keep her safe right now, then why can’t I get over my fears? Kelli deserves more than the broken, guilt-ridden man that I have become, but maybe it’s time to step up and try to be the man she needs.
The day I kissed Kelli, everything in my life felt right. I saw my future with her clear as day, and I was so ready for it. I had been her protector, confidant, and friend for most of her life, and that was evolving into something more. We wanted the same things, we knew each other’s souls, and there was this undeniable chemistry that wasn’t there before. When I got back from leave, I told the guys everything. I carried her picture with me everywhere, wrote to her every day, and we planned out our future together. Josh thought I was crazy, telling me over and over that it was only one week home and just one night with her. He was certain that I was rushing and romanticizing things because I was ready to settle down. He didn’t understand that we had spent most of our lives loving each other already; the type of love was just changing now.
The day we lost Ashley is the day that everything changed inside me. A life was lost on my watch, and I lost all confidence in myself. If I couldn’t even keep my team safe when it was my one job, how could I be the man that Kelli needed? Caleb blamed me for her death, and he made sure everyone knew it was my mission she had been killed on. I couldn’t even be mad at him; it was entirely on my shoulders. I could no longer be the man that Kelli had needed me to be, so I had to let her go. I couldn’t face her and tell her of my failures, so I just cut her out of my life. I knew she wouldn’t understand, and she would fight for me when I didn’t deserve to be fought for. It was easier to just remove myself from her life altogether. From that point on, I only visited my family when I knew she wouldn’t be there, and I avoided the majority of her calls and texts.
Danny never knew about what happened between Kelli and me, but Alex did. He called me one night not long after everything happened, telling me that a very drunk Kelli had confessed her feelings for me to him. From then on, he has kept me updated on how she’s doing and has been helping to keep an eye on her for me. Kelli doesn’t know all this either. I don’t think she even remembers talking to Alex that night.
“I think her nightmares are getting worse,” Josh said as he finally broke the silence between us. “She asked me to stay with her last night after I woke her up. She doesn’t like to be alone. I think it’s why she spends so much time with Logan.” That made sense. I had been passing off some of my responsibilities so I could spend more time with her, but Josh was right. I was being a pussy and I was still hiding in my office most days anyway. “You aren’t the same guy you were after everything went down. You’ve put in the work to change. Now go get the girl before it’s too late.”
“Logan is pretty serious about her, huh?” I look over at him, watching his eyes narrow and his hands flex. “You’re falling for her, too, aren’t you?”
He almost looks ashamed of that. “She’s not mine to fall for.” He turns to look out the window, then quietly adds, “She’s too good for me.”
I let loose a laugh at that comment. “She’s too good for all of us,” I say, though I have to admit Logan and her make sense together. Kelli has parts of her that fit well with all of us. She is so emotionally intelligent with a wild and carefree streak that is so similar to Logan. There is her inner strength and her sassy ‘take no shit’ attitude that rivals Josh. Her desire and drive to help others, make a difference in the world, and to take care of those she loves fits with me. “I’ll talk to her, I promise.”
When we pull up to the house thrity minutes later, I grab her bag from the back and head into the house. I put it down at the base of the stairs and look around, not seeing her or Logan. Josh walks out from the kitchen with two beers, but stops mid-step in front of the sliding glass doors, slowly turning toward me.
“Chug this before you go outside,” he says, handing a beer over to me. I walk over to grab it and that’s when I see what caught his attention. The hot tub is on, and Kelli’s back is to us. Her swim suit top is hanging over the edge next to her while Logan sits across from her, head thrown back in laughter. Fire burns through my veins, my pulse racing as my vision tunnels.
Josh’s hand pushes into my chest before I can slam the slider open. “Drink that, calm down, and then you can go out there.” I take some deep breaths, then move to the kitchen. I am going to need something a lot stronger. I pour out two fingers of whiskey and slam it back, then pour another while Josh watches with an annoying smirk on his face. “What’s your plan here?”
I have a few options that I consider while I close my eyes, trying to get a read on all the emotions flowing through my body at that moment. Anger. Hurt. Jealousy. Desire. My therapist told me to try to only address one emotion at a time to not overwhelm myself. It’s the last one I decided to focus on, desire. I slowly look back up at him, “I am going to go join them. You in?”