Chapter 19
“I don’t know how to thank you, Robin. You’ve been so kind to me from the very beginning and now this.” I wave the envelope with my contract at him. “I’ve never had so much kindness shown to me. I promise to pay every penny back to you.”
“There’s no rush, and we do this for our boys. Before you protest, you’ve felt like you belong in our family from the moment you walked in. We love you as much as we do Royal, Knox, Drake, and Saint. Even if he is being a total dick.”
I huff and shake my head. “Saint has every right to do whatever he wants; with anyone he wants. His private life is none of my business.” The words are like sawdust in my mouth.
What he did to Tate shouldn’t have felt like a punch to the chest, but it did.
It’s like I’ve already claimed him, and he’s cheated on me.
And the reality is miles away from that.
He’s a single, hot as fuck man who likes to do seriously dirty stuff.
Things I can’t stop thinking about. I’ve even thought of going to his club; I’m sure Tate and Roman would love to show me around.
That idea appeals to me—or maybe Knox would be better. I don’t know Royal enough to ask him.
“A penny for them.” Robin interrupts my thoughts. A small smile plays on his lips as he flicks his eyes from the road to me.
“I’m sorry. What did you say?”
“I asked if you were going to share your news with your boss. He hates being out of the loop.”
“I didn’t know we were in a loop. I don’t think he’s interested in anything I do; he keeps it all about work.
I don’t know what I did to him, but he’s not the man he was when we first met.
” We’re getting close to the studio now, and I’d like to hear Robin’s opinion of Saint’s behaviour. “Is it my fault?”
Robin glances at me quickly before looking at the road ahead again. I can’t miss the frown lines that crease his forehead. “What? What do you think is your fault?”
I sigh, knowing I now have to tell him about the kisses we shared and the doubt I have about being what he wants.
And how I can change that. “It’s like he’s angry when I’m around him, that I annoy him.
Is it because he’s a Dom, and I don’t behave like a sub?
Because I’ve told him I want what he does, but he doesn’t believe me.
So why has he kissed me twice now? I mean seriously kissed, up against the wall kind of kiss. ”
Robin parks behind Saint’s humungous truck and switches the engine off before looking at me again. “I’m going to ask you a couple of questions before I give you my answer. Are you okay with that?”
I swallow the lump that’s built in my throat. “Yeah, go for it.”
“I’ll ask the easy one first. Have you ever been to a sex club, a BDSM club?”
I feel the heat in my cheeks as it turns them the obviously embarrassed red. “No, I’ve watched a lot of porn about it.”
“Okay, it’s best if you ignore about ninety per cent of that. But it is good fun to watch. Are you more interested in the Dom and what he does or the sub’s reaction to it? The strong language the Dom uses, do you find it a turn on or degrading?”
“Um, kind of hot. I like it. I like the sub’s reaction to it, it’s like they need it.”
Robin nods. It’s not like he’s approving my answer, he understands it. “Have you tried anything with previous partners? Slapped, spanked, flogged, degraded in front of others? These are all things that will happen to you if you want to be with Saint. He’s a hard Dom, but he takes care of his subs.”
I watch his face change as I hesitate to answer, because he knows what I’m about to say, so much so that he speaks before I can. “Oh, Noah, sweetie. I think you’re in way over your head here. Saint will not do anything with a virgin.”
“I have to go and get fucked before he’s even a little interested? You know how messed up that is?”
“I don’t think you should do that, Noah. Sex, vanilla or kinky, should be with someone you like and trust.”
This has gone so off the track, I don’t know how to get it back to normal. All I wanted to do was find out how to stop Saint from being so distant and grumpy. “Robin, I don’t think this has anything to do with me finding out why he’s in such a bad mood and what I need to do to get him out of this.”
“Sorry, Noah, it has everything to do with you. Not directly. You haven’t done anything wrong.
His problem is he wants you. He wants to do all the things he likes, but he knows you’re not like him.
You don’t exude kink; you do scream submissive though.
I think you’re more like Royal’s kind of sub, a sweet and gentle little that loves to be adored and spoilt.
” He goes quiet for a long minute; there’s something he is pondering, then he seems to come to a decision.
“Would you like to come to my club? It’s not the same one as Saint’s, so there’s no chance of you bumping into him.
It will give you a glimpse of our lifestyle. ”
Woah! I did not expect that. I find myself nodding, accepting his offer. “Yes, I’d like that.”
He nods. “I’ll have to get a visitor pass for you, and whether you are only having a look around, you need to wear something appropriate. Leave that with me, and I’ll sort that for you.”
“Um, okay, that sounds good. Can we talk about Saint now? I’ll have to get back in there soon.” My lunch break is nearly over, but I don’t have a client for half an hour.
“I think you need to talk about how you feel, that he’s sending out mixed messages, and if he doesn’t want to try with you, then he has to keep his hands and lips to himself.”
I’ve already done that, haven’t I? I think back over the last kiss. No, I didn’t. I told him to stop taking his bad mood out on me. “Yeah, I’ll try that.” I put my hand on the door handle. “Can we keep all of this between us. Especially the going to your club thing.”
“Of course. Don’t forget we’ll be moving furniture into your place this evening.”
“I’m not going to forget that. I’m excited. I’ve never had a space that is totally mine.” Just the thought of it has the butterflies in my stomach soaring.
When I walk back into the studio, Saint looks up at me. I try to fix a smile on my face, but I can tell he sees right through it. Before I can ask him if we can talk, he beats me to it, wanting to talk after we close.
“Okay,” I agree with a nod and set up my station for my next client.
The silence is suffocating, and it’s four hours until we close.
I can’t leave it the way it is until then.
I take in a deep breath and open my mouth.
“Saint, have you had second thoughts about me working here? I’d rather you tell me than have this awkward silence going on.
I don’t know what it is that has you so wound up, but if it’s me, I’d like to know.
” I haul a huge breath into my lungs after saying all of that in a rush all on one exhale, then continue.
“Am I not up to your standards, not good enough for you and your studio’s reputation?
Because I’ve just signed a lease on a flat, and I need to get another job as soon as I can. ”
Saint is shaking his head, and for the first time today, he’s not scowling. “It’s nothing to do with your work. Hell, Noah, you’re going to end up better than me. I’m sorry for my mood, but please let me talk it through with you after closing. You may decide you want to leave.”
God, I want to shake him. He’s so bloody frustrating, why doesn’t he just get it off his chest? “You know you’re making it worse by hanging on to it. The elephant in the room is getting bigger every second. Is it part of a game? The let’s-make-poor-little-Noah-feel-like-shit game.”
He throws his arms up but doesn’t raise his voice. “For fuck’s sake, Noah, I said later.”
I know pushing him any further will end up with me being out on my arse.