Chapter 44
What the fuck just happened?
How have I got this all wrong? What was I supposed to do?
He gave me the green light to play with him.
It seems I’m right. I have no clue what boyfriends do, but I’ve missed something important.
Noah wasn’t even angry, I know how to deal with that.
I know how to deal with a sub hating me after a tough scene.
I want to run after him, chase him back here.
Force him to kneel for me, bring him back to the perfect sub I know he is.
What about tomorrow? He has clients all day.
Is he going to turn up or let them down?
I suppose I’ll wait and find out in the morning.
Right now, though I’m hyped up, I need to get this feeling out of me.
I can’t be here anymore. I need to run. My gym kit is still in the truck, and it will only take fifteen minutes to get there. I’ve got keys if Knox has gone home.
The lights are still on, and there are only a couple of cars here.
One of them belongs to my brother. I don’t want to talk to him, I just need to get all the mistakes of tonight out of my system.
When I walk in, I head straight for the treadmill.
I put my EarPods in and hit up some Airborne Toxic Event and ramp up the volume.
With the incline up high on the machine, I pound out the miles.
With the music loud, I can block out the image of Noah’s disappointed face, the sadness in his eyes when I don’t understand what I’ve done wrong.
The sweat is running down my face, stinging as it runs into my eyes, or maybe it’s my tears that I won’t let break free.
I don’t think I’m going to get Noah back, he all but said red as he pushed me away.
A hand stabs the cool down button and all but throws me off the belt. Knox moves to stand in front of me, his arms crossed over his chest and a deep scowl embedded in his forehead. “What the fuck, Saint?”
I press the stop button, breathing hard after such a run. “What? I can lock up. You don’t need to hang around.”
“That’s not what I’m talking about. Didn’t you say yes?” The frown continues, like he’s trying to work out an impossible equation.
“Say yes to what? You know what? Never mind. I’ve had a shit enough night without having to rehash it to you.” I step off the machine, my legs aching. They are going to be stiff as fuck tomorrow.
“You and Noah living together. That was the whole point to his night, well apart from him preordering all your favourite dishes. He said he had the whole date night planned, starting with a cosy meal and ending with you planning to live together.”
I don’t understand any of what he’s just said. “I don’t have a clue what you’re talking about. Yeah, we had dinner, but he handed me a remote for a plug. He wanted to play.”
“Oh, Saint, what the fuck have you done?” He walks away, back to his office. I follow, needing to know what he knows that I don’t.
I sit on the sofa, my forearms on my knees.
“I thought he wanted a scene; he gets off on humiliation. I got us a table in the middle of the restaurant and had him squirming in his seat the whole night. I thought he was loving it, even giving him an ultimatum in the truck on the way home. I mean why the hell would you turn up with a plug up your arse?”
Knox sighs and scrubs his hand through his hair.
“Vanilla couples play with toys, too, y’know.
Not everything is a scene. This is what I know he planned, a cosy intimate dinner, a proper date with just the two of you.
He said you’d had a lot of scenes lately and visited the club, and he wanted to share a normal night with you. To show you how much he loves you.”
“Well, that’s not what fucking happened.
Why didn’t he say anything? He could’ve spoken up at any time.
I asked him why he didn’t safeword me and stop it all.
He said it wasn’t a scene. What the fuck am I supposed to do with that?
” I’m standing up now, pacing the room with my hands in my hair.
“Any trust we’ve built has gone. If I can’t trust him to stop everything when he’s reached his limit, I can’t take him back in a playroom. ”
“And that goes the same for you. If you can’t read your boyfriend when he’s not having a good time, how’s he going to trust you with his body?
You fucked this up, Saint. You’re the experienced one; he was a virgin until he met you.
You’ve dropped him into your life, and I’ve seen what you do to your subs, and it’s hardcore and you expected him to know and understand every situation. It’s overwhelming for him.”
“Jesus, you make it sound like I’ve forced him into it. He’s made for this; there hasn’t been any pressure from me. I was the dubious one, but he begged me for my dominance.” We’re both shouting now, pacing the room. “FUUUUUUCK!!!”
Knox’s hands land on my shoulders, and I almost punch him, my hands already in fists. “Hey! Calm down. You need to calm down. Look, Noah’s not going anywhere. He loves his job, and more importantly, he loves you. And that makes you bloody lucky.”
“What’s that supposed to mean?”
“It means that Noah has a lot of men interested. You must have seen how the guys in here watch him as he walks past. He’s totally oblivious of this—he’s only ever had eyes for you.
” Knox sighs, obviously annoyed with me when I huff at him.
“So, if you want to keep him, you’d better be the one on his knees begging for him.
Now, get outta here, and let me go home. ”
I look at the clock and see it’s nearly eleven o’clock. “Yeah, okay, and you’re right, about all of it.” I snort, “When did you get so fucking wise?”
“I’ve always been like this. You learn a lot watching all that goes on here.”
After a bro hug and back slap, we leave, and my brother locks up behind us. My drive back is less frantic, my emotions calmer and even though I want to go and beg at Noah’s door, I let us both have this night.
The sound of needles buzzing surprises me when I walk into the shop.
I didn’t expect Noah to be in yet. He looks up as I walk past his station but doesn’t speak.
He looks tired, his eyes reddened. From lack of sleep or tears.
I hope it’s the former. I hate that I’ve made him cry.
When he drops his gaze back down to the client, a young woman getting some work on her hip.
It’s not anyone I recognise; he’s picked up his own customers quickly.
Word of a new artist travels fast as conversations in pubs and places of work.
My first appointment is bang on time and greets me with a back slap and bear hug. “Ready to get this finished?”
“Too right. I can’t wait to show it off.
” A giant eagle, it’s spread wings covering his shoulder blades, its talons extended at the base of his spine.
We’ve had three four-hour sessions so far, but it won’t be that long today.
He settles down in the chair as I set up the inks.
I can hear Noah chatting to his client. Has she just asked him out on date? What the fuck!
“Um, thanks, I’m flattered. But I’m gay.” He trips over his words, making me smile. I know exactly how red his cheeks will be. I wasn’t expecting him to look over to me. I flick my eyes away from him not wanting him to know I’m snooping.
“Damn, all the hot guys are. The offer for a drink, just to hang out, is still open. I like you, you seem like a fun guy. I’ve a couple of gay friends, single ones. What do you say?”
“Actually, that sounds good. Thank you. We can swap numbers when we’re done here.” His voice is light, and I know he’s smiling. Isn’t that a sucker punch in my gut.
I make myself concentrate on my work, tuning him out. There’s no way I can fuck this up. But still, I hear him finish and them chatting as they go to the counter.
When he walks back to his station, he’s smiling.
And it’s not at me.