Chapter 45
Going out for drinks with Zoey and her friends is great fun; everybody is friendly, and the two gay guys are cute.
But not my type, which basically means they’re not Saint.
Being around him at work is killing me, and I’m not sure how much longer I can go on without him, without his dominance.
I feel like I’m drowning. The only thing that has stopped me from taking all my clothes off and kneeling for him is I still don’t think he understands why I left. Until then, I leave him alone.
I walk into the gym for my usual yoga class and wave at Knox as he talks to one of the women training with weights.
He tips his chin, acknowledging me, but he doesn’t stop talking.
Blake is already in the small yoga room.
I wave and unroll my mat, sitting on it and trying to breathe slowly to clear my brain of all the confusion and pain.
For the next hour, I manage to focus on my body and the movements I slide into.
Next is the self-defence class. I’ve moved into the new group now, and while I miss the one-to-one I had with Knox, I’m improving and can throw or disable any attacker with confidence.
Kip pats me on the back as we pack up the mats.
“You’re good at this, Noah. But tonight, it looked a lot like you were working out some issues. Is everything okay with you and Saint?”
“Um, yeah. We’re rushed off our feet at work, and I needed to destress tonight.
” I give him a quick smile, walking away before he can ask me anything else.
I’m grateful Saint hasn’t included his family in this whatever it is.
A break-up, I suppose, but it is still very new, so relationship seems a bit of overkill.
Especially since we never really dated, one with his brothers and the other the complete fuck up that has brought me to here and now.
“Hey, Noah.” Knox is striding up to me. “How was the class?”
“Good, I miss our classes too.” I pull my towel from around my neck. “They were fun and less sweaty.” I laugh, wiping my face.
“Have you got a minute?” He suddenly looks guilty, the smile fading as he gestures to his office.
I follow him, closing the door behind me. “You know what’s happening, don’t you?”
“Yeah, he came here the night it happened. He’s been here most nights, punishing himself on the treadmill or weights. He knows he fucked up, Noah. I think he’s questioning himself as a Dom.”
That makes me recoil, and I step back, already shaking my head.
“No, he’s a wonderful Dom, Knox. It’s being a boyfriend, having a relationship, he doesn’t know how to do.
It’s no surprise after the shitty upbringing he had.
A father that liked to use his fists rather than talk.
That’s what I think it comes down to. He hasn’t spoken to me, not outside any work-related topic.
It’s killing me, but I’m not the one that needs to make the first move.
He needs to work out if he can manage an adult relationship outside of a club or a scene.
I don’t want to lose him, but I can’t force him to love me without all the paraphernalia that goes with his desires and needs.
I love him, but I can’t only have scenes.
I want the handholding in the street. The fun shit, laughing in bed, cooking food together, talking about our pasts as well as what we want for the future.
In my head, it’s not bound to a cross or spread on a spanking bench.
I feel like I can’t ever be the one to initiate sex, that he’ll never relax enough to let me love him.
” I shrug my shoulders. “I’m sorry. That was way more information than you needed.
” I look at him, but he’s looking over my shoulder, and I know that Saint is standing there, and he’s heard it all. “Fuck,” I whisper and drop my head.
“Noah,” Saint’s voice is low, gravelly, like he’s afraid to say it too loud.
I can’t look at him because I know I’ll be on my knees at his feet. “I can’t, Saint. I’m sorry.”
He doesn’t say anything but moves around me, and without lifting my head, I shake it. He doesn’t touch me, instead, he kneels in front of me, his hands on his thighs. “Noah, look at me, please.”
His position shocks me more than I ever thought possible, and it’s wrong. I don’t like him there. “Get up, Saint. You don’t belong there.”
“Not until you look at me.” His tone is gruffer now, not impatient, not even demanding, but I don’t know, it’s…
it’s—real. That’s the word for it, and I can’t stop from lifting my head and looking at him.
His eyes look so sad, they glisten with raw emotion.
His jaw is hard, like he’s clenching his teeth, his hands are fists.
Is he holding himself back from touching me? “Thank you.”
I roll my eyes. “Stand up, Saint, you don’t belong down there.”
He rises effortlessly in front of me, standing much closer than I expected.
It’s hard not to take a step back, because at this moment, we have no dynamic.
Even though we should always be equal, I think I let myself be lesser because he’s the Dom.
That I’m not as important as he is because I’m a sub. Now I know I’ve been wrong.
“Can we talk? Away from here?”
I give Knox an infinitesimal glance, and he nods.
I trust him, and he’s become a good friend.
I’m closer to him than any of the other brothers.
“Okay, can we go to my place? I mean, we can go to mine.” Knox gives me a little thumbs up, and I feel the weight of the last weeks fall away.
“I need to go and get my stuff from the locker room. I’ll meet you at my flat. ”
Saint looks surprised, then confused. “Don’t you want to come with me? I’ve got my truck.”
I’m not sure I want to be so close in a small space, but this is Saint, and I love him. He looks as shit as I feel. “Okay, if you don’t mind.” I give him a small smile and leave to get my bag and jacket.
Knox follows me. “I didn’t know he was here. I promise this wasn’t a set up. I think this is good. I know you both want the same thing, but are you okay going with him?”
“Yeah, I don’t think he’s going to start anything on the drive back. It’s time to talk this through, but I’m hopeful. I think that’s the right way to look at it.” I unlock my locker and grab my gear.
“You’ll get there, Noah. He loves you, but he doesn’t know what that means or how to do it healthily. You’re gonna need to show him.”
I give him a hug and head back out to the main room.
Saint is standing, arms crossed, scowling at something.
When I follow his line of sight, I let out a sigh.
I do not need fucking Tate watching us. He’s always around at the club, and I know that shouldn’t be a surprise since he’s a member too.
He’s never with anyone, no Dom, not even Roman, but he watches me.
Saint doesn’t think I notice, but I can feel his eyes on me wherever I am.
“Shall we go?” I want to kiss him or wrap my arms around Saint’s waist to prove a point to Tate. I’m not going to play these games with Saint. He doesn’t deserve it, and he’ll see right through me.
“Yes.” That’s all he says as he stops looking at Tate and down at me.