Chapter 46
Is it wrong for me to turn up at the gym just as I know Noah is finishing his classes?
Maybe, but I’m beyond caring. I’ve had enough of an empty bed, of missing the company and companionship I built with Noah.
I know it’s up to me make the first move.
I’m just crap at showing my true feelings for him.
I don’t know how to prove to him that I’m sorry, that I fucked up that night, not just in the restaurant but with his feelings when we got back to my flat.
I can’t believe that I got it all wrong.
That I didn’t see the signs of his distress, of him distancing himself in the truck on the way home.
I am angry he didn’t tell me what the dinner out was for, that he didn’t stop me from changing our seats.
But that doesn’t take away from the fact that I let him down. I let myself down too.
As I get closer to the office, I can hear Knox talking to someone, then I hear Noah.
He’s talking, I should probably announce my arrival, but instead, I listen because he’s talking about us, about me.
With his friendship with Knox, he’s probably more comfortable telling him the truth about us.
The words burn through my ribcage to heart.
“I don’t want to lose him, but I can’t force him to love me without all the paraphernalia that goes with his desires and needs.
I love him, but I can’t only have scenes.
I want the handholding in the street. The fun shit, laughing in bed, cooking food together, talking about our pasts as well as what we want for the future.
In my head, it’s not bound to a cross or spread on a spanking bench.
I feel like I can’t ever be the one to instigate sex, that he’ll never relax enough to let me love him. ”
I want all that, too, but my lifestyle has been all I’ve had for over twelve years.
I’m going to have to let him teach me how to relax, to enjoy him without it all being sexually motivated.
I reach the doorway just as Noah finishes talking.
Knox sees me, then Noah must’ve noticed Knox’s expression, because he stiffens.
He shakes his head when I say his name, not wanting to speak or even look at me. Impulsively, I step in front of him and drop to my knees. “Noah, look at me, please.”
“Get up, Saint. You don’t belong there.”
“Not until you look at me.”
He looks down, his face a picture of sadness.
“Can we talk? Away from here?”
He agrees, but at his place. I’m fine with that.
As long as we talk, it can be on the back seat of a packed-out bus.
As I wait outside of the office while he goes to get his gear from the locker, my eyes land on Tate.
He’s poised, hand on his jutted-out hip as talks to Gavin.
He’s one of the club’s masters and more than aware of the pretty sub flirting with him.
He also knows that Tate is a mischief-maker, so he’s up to something tonight—that look on his face is proof enough.
The way he’s furtively looking around the room, he’s looking for someone or he’s checking to see how many are looking at him.
It’s not until Noah comes out of the locker room that I get my answer.
His eyes narrow, and his lips thin as he watches my boy walk out.
Noah doesn’t notice him watching, especially when Tate’s gaze shifts to me.
My Dom swells as I cross my arms over my chest, making him flinch and look back at Gavin, who obviously hasn’t missed any of the silly sub’s antics.
He nods at me as Noah reaches me. I want to clasp his hand in mine, but that would be showing Tate I’m with Noah rather than the right thing to do for us.
We get to the truck without speaking. Automatically, I start to help him up into the seat, but he tenses as I reach for him. This is going to be the last time he rebuffs me. We will be back together again by the end of this evening.
“Sorry, I didn’t mean to do that,” he says quietly and hoists himself up and gets settled in the leather seat. “How are you?” he asks as I sit next to him and start the engine.
“It’s not been the best few weeks, but I’m doing okay,” I tell him honestly.
“Yeah, it’s been tough.” His voice drifts away as he turns to look out of the window. The way he’s twisting his fingers gives away his anxiety. I don’t want to see him nervous, and I know I’m going to give into every one of his terms because I don’t want to live another minute without him.
It’s typical that today is the day there is nowhere to park near his flat. After circling the block twice, Noah sighs. “We may as well go to yours. At least we’re guaranteed a parking spot.”
“Are you sure?” I ask, surprised by his decision. “I don’t want you to be uncomfortable.”
He looks at me now and bites on his lip before shrugging. “It can’t be any worse than the feeling inside this truck. Just drive, Saint. I’m tired, and I want to get this conversation over with. I want to feel normal again.”
Annoyance fills me, and I snap. “If it’s that much of a chore, Noah, you may as well get out of the truck and go home.”
He stares at me for a long moment, then unclicks his seatbelt and opens the door. “You’re an arsehole, Saint.”
He climbs out and slams the door hard enough to make my head rattle.
No way, no fucking way! I watch as he stomps up the pavement, then see a car pull away from the kerb.
I move quickly up to it, not giving anyone else the chance to pinch it, and slot in.
I’m out of the truck the second the engine is off and running to catch up with Noah.
The busy path does nothing to help me out as people refuse to budge to let me through.
I reach him as he opens the main door to the building, putting my body between him and the door.
His mouth opens, but before he can say anything I crush my lips to his, and I tangle my hands in his hair.
Inhaling through his nose, his lips part, ready to voice his complaint, but my tongue slides in to tangle with his.
Fisted hands thump against my chest, trying to push himself back—until my hips grind against him, my erection pressing into his stomach.
Then he’s kissing me back, his palms flattening on my chest before curling into my T-shirt.
I don’t know how long we kiss for,
it could be a single minute or an hour. I never want it to end.
It takes the blare of a car horn to bring me back to the world and break the moment.
“Open the door, Noah.” I want to call him boy, to make him mine again, but this isn’t the time or place for my dominance to come to the surface.
I was lucky to get away with kissing him.
“You need to move out of the way, then.” The last long empty days vanish as he smiles at me. I shift to the side, giving him room to put the key in the lock.
We make it up the stairs and into his living room. Noah goes to the fridge and pulls out two bottles of beer and opens them before coming back and handing one to me. “Thank you,” I give him a warm smile. “Can I sit down?”
Noah nods, gesturing to the small two-seater sofa. I sit, but he doesn’t move from the doorway. Instead, he leans against the frame. The bottle touches his lips, even as he tips it up, his eyes stay fixed on me.
“I don’t know where to start, Noah. I know I fucked up, that I didn’t read the situation.
But I promise to do better. You’re right about not being a good boyfriend.
If you’ll let me, I want to try again. But you’re going to have to take the lead and show me how to do this, because holding hands in the street, laughing in bed, and the simple acts of cooking and watching TV sounds fucking awesome.
I love you, Noah. I don’t want to lose you.
I think it comes down to trust, and you lost it that night.
Are you brave enough to take a chance on trusting me again? ”