Chapter 12 #2
“I demanded to see her, but he wouldn’t let me in.
He looked me in my eye and told me I was nothing.
He pointed his finger in my face…” Scott raised his to illustrate the gesture.
“…and he said to me, ‘You will never know what it’s like to have a seat at the table. People like you eat in the kitchen, and people like Madeline dine first class. You have soiled my daughter, and now it’s up to me to fix it.
’ He told me I could barely take care of myself, let alone two more people.
He listed my flaws and I saw them for what they were: the truth.
He told me the best thing to do was leave. ”
For a while, he didn’t speak, and I could see the weight of the past eighteen years lifting from his shoulders with his confessions.
“And what did you do?” I wasn’t sure why I’d asked, because it seemed pretty obvious.
Scott met my eyes, holding them and me in place as he spoke once more. “I left.”
I felt my face getting hot and I had to look away and blink.
I. Did. Not. Cry.
He left me.
This was a fact I’d known all along, but hearing it from him touched me in a way I couldn’t shake. He didn’t fight for my mother. He didn’t fight for me.
Hearing it out loud hurt in a way I couldn’t bury. Couldn’t brush off.
I’ve got issues, I admitted to myself as what I felt was right in front of me to no longer deny.
Maybe it had always been there, but hearing his words and recollecting my feelings, I came to find that I carried with me abandonment issues. It was a cycle that was following me since before I was born. First Scott, then Kevin, then my mother, and then my friends.
A part of me wondered if they all saw something in me, something too ugly to stick around and deal with, as if Scott had sensed it from the moment he touched my mother’s belly and knew to back out before it was too late.
Fuck.
I ran an arm over my eyes to wipe them clean.
No.
I wasn’t the problem. They were. People always leave.
Scott attempted to stand, but I shook my head. His eyes were glassy, as if holding back his own sorrow. “I was just a kid—”
“You were an adult. You were twenty years old, and you just left her.” My voice broke as I stood up for more than just myself, for my mother too. “You let him tear you down and turn you into a coward, and you left us.”
Scott hung his head. “I fucked up. My whole life I was hearing that I was wrong and I was messing up, and when Maddie got pregnant and he said those words, I just didn’t think I was good enough to make it work.
Barrington was right, I was barely getting by on my own, and I couldn’t raise a baby on my pay.
I was insecure and scared, and I ran. It was the biggest mistake I’ve ever made, and I’m so sorry, Saylor. ”
Suddenly the room felt too small.
I stood up and Scott did the same, calculating my movement.
“I needed you and you weren’t there,” I let out.
Scott crossed over to me and against my thrashing, he took me into his arms.
I didn’t break down and cry, but I felt the pain deep in my heart ease up just a little.
“Don’t you think for a moment that I left because of you, or that I didn’t love you or care.
I was weak, and I messed up a really good thing,” he swore to me.
“I didn’t want to leave and I didn’t want to stay and prove Barrington right.
I wrote Maddie this letter, telling her I was sorry for everything, and that I was going back home.
I left my number for her to call me, and she did, on April twenty-second when you were born.
She told me how much you weighed and how well you were doing, and that she was going to be okay, and that was it. ”
We broke apart and as angry as I felt about him leaving, I felt sympathy for him all the same.
“My parents were disappointed in me, my sister too. I could see it in their eyes, but no one beat me up like I did, and still do, over what happened. If I could go back and change my mind, I would, in a heartbeat,” Scott swore.
But it was impossible.
That’s just not how time worked.
“How did she contact you after all these years?” I asked.
“I lived with my parents for a while, and when they moved, I got their house. When I moved here, I transferred our old landline because that’s all my parents used for the longest time.
The number’s been the same since forever,” Scott said.
“Maddie called me and told me what happened, and as messed up as it sounds, I was happy. To me, this was a second chance, and I think we both needed it. You sounded like you were going down a bad path, and I saw myself in you. I just want to help, I want to be here, as long as you’ll have me.
I want to be the dad I should’ve been from the start. ”
“Now,” I said. “I mean, would you have ever contacted me without my getting arrested?”
“There’s a part of me that thinks I honestly would’ve left you alone, not wanting to ruin your happiness or life by intruding. Then there’s another part that would’ve tracked you down, so you could scream at me, yell, tell me you hated me, but just so you knew that I was here and gave a damn.”
I snorted. He “gave” a damn.
While there was no denying that Scott was presently in my life, fighting back against all my anger and rebellion, there was also no ignoring his absence for the greater part of it as well.
Maybe it was too little, too late.
Though, we were alike in all the ways I’d never known. He was very much a part of me and who I was, before I even knew myself.
Perhaps this was destined.
Cameron came to mind, with her bright attitude and talk about second chances. Scott was using his to be a better man and father to me, Dreux was being a boy scout, and then there was me with my second chance in Meadow Grove.
“I don’t know if I’ll stay after April,” I spoke up. I lifted my chin at him, pulling myself back together. “Until then, we should start over.”
It was only the first of November. I wasn’t sure what my mindset would be by my birthday, but for the time being, I needed to work on my second chance.
Angela was nice enough to let me in when I knocked on her door an hour later. She must’ve sensed my slight gloom as she took in my appearance.
“Dreux’s up in his room,” she told me before walking away toward their TV room.
Scott was back home, watching a film on TV, but he gave me the go ahead to slip out to go over to Dreux’s. We’d called a cease fire, Scott and me. I wasn’t sure how I felt toward him completely, and I was too tired to try to put it together.
So I found myself going up to Dreux’s room to distract myself.
He was sitting back against his headboard with his guitar across his lap.
His bedroom walls were coated in a dark gray paint, and only a lone portrait hung up, a motivational one for breast cancer.
I admired that about Dreux, his love for his mother.
I owed mine an apology. For all the shit I put her through and for not even taking her calls while I was in town.
I took for granted how much she’d been through—Scott leaving and her own father overstepping his boundary with her.
She was incredibly strong, except when it came to me.
I owed her more than I could ever repay, I realized.
Tonight, though, all that would wait. I was too drained for another heavy conversation.
Dreux spotted me and eyed me curiously as I approached him. He said nothing as I climbed on his bed and soon laid my head on his shoulder.
This friendship between us was new, too, but a part of me felt like I needed it.
“You have that talk with Scott?” he asked me.
I nodded.
“How’d it go?”
Instead of focusing on the question, I took in his guitar. “Can you even play?”
Dreux poked me in my side before positioning himself better with his instrument. With his fingers in place, he paused, thinking to himself.
I was just about to give out a recommendation when he began strumming the strings.
It took me a minute, but I soon recognized the tune to belong to the Foo Fighters.
Dreux kept playing and I started singing along to “Everlong.”
Getting lost in the melody and lyrics erased some of the tension I was feeling. It was peaceful and calming after the afternoon that I’d had.
Dreux played the last note and soon set the guitar aside, peering down at me quizzically. “Yo, you’re good.”
“Speak for yourself, you played like a pro,” I said.
Dreux disregarded my comment. “I mean it, you’ve got a good voice. I guess music runs in your family.”
After all that I’d learned from Scott, I wasn’t surprised, but curious. “You really think I sound all right?”
Dreux smiled big as he nodded. “Hell yeah. Your voice and my playing, we could do our own YouTube channel.”
My mood lifted as I fought a laugh. “Yeah? What would we call it?”
Dreux began to think it over. “The Bedroom Sessions.”
He was being so cheesy, but it was okay, because I needed it.
“You’re such a dork, Dreux St. Julien,” I announced with faux exasperation.
Dreux shrugged. “Got you to smile, didn’t I?”
“Yeah, you did. Thanks.”
He reached out and patted my knee. “So, I guess this makes us friends.”
I didn’t exactly know where I fit in or belonged anymore, but a friendship was a good place to start. We’d called a truce and were now carpooling together, thanks to my misdeeds, so yeah, friends was appropriate.
I palmed his cheek, being the most serious I’d ever been. “Don’t be like everybody else.”
Dreux leaned into my hand, giving me this adorable look. “I won’t.”
Sensing that it was just enough, he gathered his guitar once more. “So, what next?”