Chapter 32
Rachel
After meeting Steph, and immediately clicking with her, she decided to hold off walking the dogs until the kids had finished their lunch, and we all joined her on her walk.
Bee went on her bike, and we strapped Axel into the trike.
It leaned back enough that he could nap if he wanted to, but he was more fascinated by everything going off around him and the dozens of “bears” —which meant the fucking massive German Shepherds and Rottweilers that the club had as guard dogs.
There was also a smaller Staffy that acted like the boss of the pack, and I secretly loved him the most.
Steph was lovely to talk to, and we soon fell into an easy conversation like we had known each other for years. It dawned on me that this had been the case with all the other old ladies as well—minus The Birds and Beth, who had still to make an appearance since I’d returned.
Steph ended up calling into work to take the afternoon off, and I called Jenna to join us.
She met us with Trex, and we spent the entire afternoon as a unit.
There was a pond not far from the compound.
Steph gave us some food to feed the ducks, letting us know that, contrary to popular belief, bread wasn’t good for them.
It was a bit weird that she carried around a bag of dead mealworms with her, but I just laughed and accepted her quirks.
Bee’s eyes had widened to an insane level when one of the ducks waddled over to her and ate directly out of her hands.
I told her it was because they can sense the kindness and good inside her.
Animals are always the best judge of character.
She had grinned at me and held her hand out for more food.
When we got back to the clubhouse, we briefly ran into Mama, who had stepped out to get a drink. She shuffled back into her room when she noticed us, and I noticed the happiness Bee had been radiating quickly slipped away from her and she went back to her room.
I made a note to myself to address that situation, and quickly. Kitty couldn’t keep doing this. Not when it was having such a profound effect on the most vulnerable members of this family.
After a long couple of days, we decided to put Axel to bed earlier than usual, and I decided once more to try to have a chat with Bee.
We sat in the front room, with Frozen playing in the background, and a takeout pizza on the table in front of her.
She was once again sitting as far away from me as possible, me on one end of the sofa, her on the other.
Dante lay on the floor in front of us, his legs stretched out before us.
Without even realising I was doing it, I had reached out to stroke his hair, and his head was currently leaning back on my thigh.
It felt nice. Unexpected, but nice. And it certainly helped with some of the awkwardness that had fallen over us today after the events of last night.
Don’t fucking think about last night!
That was dangerous territory. Not only because I didn’t know what it meant, or where we went from here, but also because thinking about it would make me want to repeat it. And that would be a colossal mistake.
I noticed Bee shuffle closer, and her hand creep out to grab the shirt of Dante’s leather cut, stroking it between her fingers in her little comforting way. I saw that as my moment to strike.
“Hey Bee?” I said softly. “Can I talk to you a moment?”
She flicked her eyes in my direction, but she didn’t say no.
“So me and your dad were talking, and we thought it might be a good idea for you to take some self-defence classes,” her eyes immediately widened in response, a flash of terror flickering in them, and I quickly shuffled over the sofa and grabbed her hand.
“It’s not because we think you’re in any danger. You’re absolutely not. I am so sorry, because I didn’t even think that’s where your mind would go. I was careless, and I should have known better.”
I looked at her, waiting for some sign she understood. When I saw her nod gently, I continued. Dante twisted, so he was sitting on his side, leaning against the sofa so he could watch Bee as well.
“The reason we brought it up is because there is more to self-defence than just fighting. It’s a defence mentally as much as it is physically.
Does that make sense?” I asked. I needed to remember she was just seven years old, and whilst she seemed way older than her age, she was still just a little girl.
She shook her head, and I paused, trying to think how I could explain this to her.
“You’ve been through a lot. And I’m sure there are a lot of emotions weighing heavily on you.
It might be sadness; it might be anger. There might even be happiness in there, too.
But when all these strong emotions are battling it out inside your mind, it can be difficult to control them.
And self-defence classes can help with that.
It can help you process what’s happening inside you.
Especially as we can’t always see how you’re feeling. ”
Bee looked down at her dad, then back at me, and then signed, “how?”
“I was once told that emotions are like balloons. And sometimes, those balloons just like to cling to us. But other times, those balloons are so big, and so powerful, that they can cling to us and carry us away. And that’s really scary. Even for me and your dad.”
She looked at Dante, and he nodded.
“Sometimes,” I continued. “It can feel like there’s no way back down when the balloons take us away.
But the brilliant thing about combat and self-defence classes is that they can help us combat those emotions.
It helps with discipline, and it helps us to really focus on what we’re feeling.
It’s not about just the physical strength, but also about making you strong here, too,” I gently tapped the side of her head and smiled at her.
“Sometimes, we all need a little help with our mental health. And you’ve been through such a difficult time recently.
These classes might help you bring those balloons back down.
It won’t pop them completely, but it will help you to learn how to gently deflate them.
And then when you’re ready, you can let the balloon go.
Sometimes it may come back, and it may feel bigger and scarier than ever, but you’ll have the skills to try to deal with it. Does that sound okay?” I asked her.
“You can say no, sweetheart,” Dante said, resting his hand on her knee and looking up at her.
“But we really think this will be a brilliant way to help you process. You have Dr Laura, and she is lovely. I know you’ve done some brilliant work with her, but this is just something extra.
Something to help you on the days where you don’t see Dr Laura and things might feel overwhelming.
You can always speak to me and Rachel, but this could really help. ”
Dr Laura was Bee’s therapist. I knew that much. And I was happy that Bee was comfortable with her, I just hated the thought that she had been through such a shit childhood that she needed a therapist.
Bee stayed quiet, and so did we, wanting to give her the chance to process everything we had just said.
For a brief, tiny moment, her eyes met mine, and hers filled with tears.
For that split second, I thought I had got through to her.
And whilst I didn’t expect her to recite the dictionary to me, when she opened her mouth, I truly believed she would say something.
I held my breath and forced a neutral expression on my face, not wanting to overwhelm her with my hope and excitement.
And then she clamped her mouth shut, signed goodnight, and climbed off the sofa, walking out of the room without a backwards glance.
I looked out the doorway and saw her climbing the stairs. When she was out of earshot, I expelled my breath with a heavy sigh and flopped back against the sofa.
“We can only take it one day at a time,” Dante said, sitting on the sofa next to me and leaning back as well. He twisted his head to the side to look at me. “We broached the topic and gave her something to think about. We can bring it up again in a few days and see what she thinks.”
“Have you ever wondered if this is her now? What if she doesn’t speak again?”
“Then we adjust and adapt.”
“But how do you live with the guilt?” I asked. “Because it’s already eating me alive.”
He paused for a moment. “I guess I just add it to the list of all the other things I feel guilty about,” he said quietly, absolutely stunning me for a moment.
“What else do you feel guilty about?”
He gave me a sad, lopsided smile. “We’d be here all night, Rachel. There’s not much I’ve done that I’m proud of. But let’s take last night as an example. I shouldn’t have done it, and I shouldn’t have walked away halfway through. I should have been the stronger one and put a stop to it.”
“Why?” I asked, knowing I was playing with fire again, but this time in a completely different way.
Because Dante was my weakness. When it was just physical, I could control it. But when he opened up to me, and developed the emotional bond, and allowed himself to be vulnerable… it weakened me. It was my kryptonite. And I didn’t know how to control that.
“Because you were right,” he said simply.
“Sex has always clouded our judgement. And it’s always been the way we resolve things.
We argue, we have sex, and then that’s it.
It’s swept under the rug. Nothing is ever dealt with, it’s just ignored.
And I’m not saying I didn’t enjoy it. I did. But it’s not healthy, is it?”
“I guess not.”
“You sound disappointed.”
“I’m not. I guess… Well, maybe I am a bit,” I admitted. He looked at me in surprise and I gave a soft laugh. “Not that you won’t have sex with me—”
“Let me clarify. If you want sex, I’ll give you sex.
I’ll give you all the sex in the fucking world.
Give me one sign that you want me, and I’ll take you right there, right then, no matter where we are.
But I don’t want to seduce you and have you thinking I’ve manipulated you.
Which I know I’ve done before, even if I wasn’t aware at the time that’s what I was doing. ”
“Good to know,” I chuckled softly. “But what I meant was that I’m disappointed, because it feels like a step away from me.
I don’t know how to explain it. But even when we were arguing, I knew it was because there was this electricity between us.
That I was constantly on your mind. We were fighting each other, but we were also fighting ourselves.
It seems like a massive shift compared to where we were. ”
“I get that. But I’m not running. I’ve run two-thirds of the way.
I’m giving you the opportunity to close the gap and run that last third to me.
The ball is in your court, Rachel.” We both turned our heads as we heard Axel cry out in his sleep.
Dante got to his feet, but before he left, he looked down at me and said, “I’m not backing off.
I’m staying right where I am. Right where I’ve always been.
You’ve just never believed it. When you’re ready, close the gap, and I’m yours. Same as I’ve always been.”