Chapter 33
Dante
After yet another night lying next to Rachel, having her so close to me physically, and yet so far away from me mentally, knowing there was no way I could touch her either way, didn’t exactly leave me in the best mood for what I had planned for today.
Sitting in a therapist's office, expected to talk about my thoughts and feelings, was my idea of hell.
I was a simple man. If something annoyed me, I dealt with it.
If I liked something, I kept it around. It was as easy as that.
Why did I have to sit and explain it to someone?
I didn’t want to sit and pick apart my every thought and action, trying to find the deep, hidden meaning of it.
I wasn’t that deep to be fair. I just did shit.
But, as seemed to be the answer to all my problems these days, it was the damned fucking contract that had me doing shit I didn’t want to do.
“So why is it that you’ve volunteered to come here today?” the doc asked, her voice calm and soothing. At least, that’s the effect I guessed she was going for. It actually just irritated me. We both knew why I was here.
Because I manipulated my ex old lady into returning to the home she hates, and the only way I could convince her I wasn’t going to murder her parents was by having her sign a contract. And this was one of the stipulations.
“It seemed like a good idea at the time,” I said shortly. The therapist nodded, her short bob brushing against her chin as she did so.
“Do you feel like you need therapy?” She asked.
“Who doesn’t?” I attempted a laugh. A laugh she didn’t return. She just remained looking at me, a neutral expression on her face. I sighed before trying again. “I guess. Doesn’t everyone, to some degree?”
She nodded once more, but it didn’t feel like a nod of agreement.
More just acknowledging that she had heard me.
“I think more people could benefit from being open with their thoughts and emotions, yes. But I’m not here to discuss everyone else, Dante.
This is your hour. What would you like to talk about? ”
“Is ‘nothing’ a valid option?”
“I get paid either way. So if you would like to sit in silence for the next hour, that’s absolutely fine. We can try again next time.”
“Suits me,” I said, leaning back on the couch and getting comfortable. May as well if I was going to be here for the next hour. I spread my arms over the back of it and relaxed, grinning at her.
Would it be rude to browse my phone?
“I should warn you, though. Your lawyer has made me aware of the contract you currently have in place with Miss Brooks. I am required to fill in an evaluation of your time here, so that in the event this goes to court, I am able to give my unbiased feedback on your attendance and co-operation. Rest assured, whatever you tell me will remain strictly confidential, but I legally required to report back on your commitment to these sessions.”
“What?” I almost choked.
My stomach dropped. That vindictive, conniving little — Fucking Rachel.
Of course she’d make sure someone was keeping tabs.
“It’s standard procedure if therapy sessions could be used as evidence in an upcoming court case.”
“And who ordered that?”
“I’m not at liberty to say. As I said—”
“Yeah, yeah, standard procedure. I heard the first time,” I snapped at her. She didn’t so much as flinch. She just smiled gently at me, and then asked her next question.
“How about we start with your relationship with Miss Brooks? Is there anything there you’d like to discuss?”
Woman, we’d be here all fucking day.
I removed my arms from the back of the sofa. Clearly, being comfortable was out of the fucking question.
“What did you say your name was again, Doc?”
“Ashleigh.”
“Well, Ashleigh, let me ask you this.” I sat forward and linked my fingers, resting my arms on my knees. “Have you ever been in a relationship with someone who hates your fucking guts?”
“I can’t say I have. It doesn’t sound much fun. Is that how you believe Miss Brooks feels?”
I lowered my head, looking at my clasped hands. “How could she not? Look at what I’ve done to her! I mean, fuck! I burnt her mother’s house down. I kidnapped her, and then a few years later, I kidnapped her child!”
“Do you regret doing these things?” There was no judgement in her tone. She kept the same relaxed, gentle voice she had used since the beginning of the session.
I looked up at her and sucked my breath between my teeth. “That’s the thing. I don’t regret a single moment of my time with Rachel. If I hadn’t kidnapped her, I wouldn’t have got to know her at all.”
“That’s a lot of assumptions you’re making.”
“It’s not assuming. It’s a fact. I have no problems with my ego, Doc. I see the way women look at me. But women like Rachel don’t end up with men like me. She wouldn’t have given me a second glance.”
“Is she your ideal woman?”
“Change of topic there, doc, but I’ll bite. Have you seen her?” I scoffed. “She’s every man’s ideal woman.”
Her smile was filled with endless patience. “Outside of looks. Is she your ideal woman?”
“I…” I sighed heavily. “Yeah, I guess she is.”
“But how did you know that was going to be the case when you kidnapped her? I’m guessing there wasn’t much conversation with her before the kidnapping took place?”
“A few words,” I admitted.
“So how did you know how much you were going to enjoy her company, based on a mere look?”
“I… I guess I didn’t.”
“So how can you say with certainty that Miss Brooks would not have wanted a man like you?”
“I didn’t want a woman like her, either, to be fair. I didn’t kidnap her with the intention of falling in love with her. I kidnapped her because I assumed she was going to be a good mother to my kid.”
“Are you not a good enough parent on your own?” She asked, raising one of her eyebrows at me.
“No,” I said simply.
“Why do you think that?”
“For one, I think all little girls need their mother. Hell, lads need their mothers too. Lord knows I still need mine. Macbeth needed her. I wanted Bee to have a mother figure in her life. And for two, I’m not a good parent.
I hear it all the time. People question why I wanted a mother for her when I’m not a good father.
And surely the answer is fucking obvious.
It’s because I’m not a good parent that I wanted a mother for her.
I wanted someone to pick up where I was lacking.
I wanted Bee to have someone to keep her grounded.
I wanted her to have someone outside the idiots of the fucking club to help provide her with a fresh perspective.
I thought Rachel was that woman. So I took her. ”
“And do you still think she’s that woman?”
“No,” I laughed. “She’s nothing like I thought she was going to be.
She’s better. She’s a million times fucking worse, and yet somehow a million times better.
I don’t expect you to understand, because I sure as hell don’t.
And now that I know who she truly is, I can see just how much I don’t deserve her. ”
“But by your own admission, you love her.” It wasn’t a question. But I answered it anyway.
“I did.”
“And that was a leap of faith. Don’t you think Rachel deserves to make her own decisions about what partner she chooses?”
“In an ideal world. But we don’t live in an ideal world, do we?”
“Most of the time, I find we’re trapped in a mental hell of our own creation,” she smiled again. “I noticed you referred to your feelings in the past tense for a second there. Are you still in love with Miss Brooks?”
Was I?
“It doesn’t matter. She doesn’t feel the same way. And if I tried to tell her, she’d accuse me of manipulating her.”
“I think you spend a lot of time assuming everything Miss Brooks is going to say, that you don’t give her the opportunity to think for herself.”
“I know her,” I said simply. “It’s easy for you to say that, because you’re running off textbook knowledge. But humans don’t always behave according to the books. Rachel certainly fucking doesn’t. I know her inside and out. Once again, I’m not assuming, because I know it for a fact.”
“It seems like if she’s your ideal woman, then you at least owe her the opportunity to decide for herself how she feels and how she responds to your feelings.”
I shook my head. “I don’t want to do that to her.
She’s different from what she was, Doc. She’s still the same feisty, toxic piece of shit I fell head over heels for.
But she’s a mother now. She lives for those children.
Her time away from me has calmed her down a lot.
She has more patience. More kindness. She’s let go of a lot of hostility. ”
“Why is that a problem?”
“Because I haven’t,” I said with a small shake of my head and a bitter, dry laugh. “I’m still the same man I was. And I used to think we were perfect for each other, in our own messed up way.”
“And now?”
“And now she’s too good for me. I mean, she always was. But even more so now.”
“The way I see it, Dante, is that you have two options. You can continue as you are, and eventually these six months will be over. Your relationship won’t have progressed, and Miss Brooks will move into alternative accommodation within your compound.
She’ll eventually move on, and you’ll have to accept it, because that’s what your contract states.
Or, you can simply talk to her. Even if the conversation doesn’t go the way you hope it does, what do you really lose?
It just means that the same situation happens—Miss Brooks still moves out, you go your separate ways.
But at least you can sleep easy knowing you tried. ”
“You make it sound so easy.”
She chuckled softly. “Communication is the easiest thing in the world. And it’s also the hardest. I’d even argue the scariest, too. But without it, you’re only setting yourself up to lose everything.”
“You know… It’s not nice to mess around in people’s heads, doc.”
She laughed then. A genuine, hearty laugh. “Messing in people’s heads is what I’m paid for. It’s my job to see the things you don’t. Even when those things are very obvious. And, it keeps me out of my own head, and I’d do this for free to stay out of there.”
“We might just get on better than I thought.”
“Isn’t it funny how appearances can be deceptive? And that people aren’t always what we think they are?”
“Yeah, yeah,” I muttered, rolling my eyes at her. “I see what you’re doing. You’re making this about Rachel again.”
“Bingo.” She picked up her pen and hovered it over the paper. “Now, let’s dive deeper into some of those feelings, shall we?”
I groaned, dragging a hand down my face.
Next time, I’m bringing earplugs.