Chapter 64
Rachel
I sat in therapy the next day, almost wanting to rip my fucking hair out.
Dante had come so close to caving last night, and yet that ironclad resolve kicked in. I wanted more of him. I wanted all of him. And this was the one stipulation of the contract that he was sticking to.
“You seem especially frustrated today, Rachel.”
“Ten out of ten for observation,” I muttered.
She smiled kindly, making me feel like a cunt for snapping at her. “Would you like to talk about it? That’s what I’m here for, after all.”
“I just… Ugh!” I pushed my hands through my hair, tugging at the roots as I tried to clear my thoughts.
“The man has a knighthood in not listening, I swear to fucking God! I… We’ve both broken aspects of this contract, which, to me, shows him I want to be with him.
I could have used the broken terms to get the fuck out of here without looking back.
It shows my commitment to making this work that I haven’t.
But then he hits me with something stupid, like we can’t have sex until I admit it.
I am admitting it! With my actions, I’m admitting I want to be here! ”
“Perhaps Dante is the type of man who needs it said explicitly, rather than implying?”
“He has no problem implying the meaning behind my words any other time!”
“This particular instance holds a lot of weight to it, though, does it not? If you say out loud that you want to be with him, and you want to commit properly, it changes the course of both of your lives.”
“I… Well, yes…”
“And did you not once tell me that you told him that when the two of you had sex, it clouded your judgement, and you didn’t want that?”
“We both say stupid things sometimes,” I muttered, scraping the toes of my shoes along the carpet, feeling utterly pathetic. She was a trained professional, and I was here talking to her about how much I wanted to have sex. Jesus Christ.
“Sex is an important part of some relationships,” she said, as though she could read my mind.
“From what I gathered, you and Dante were always very passionate in that department. Your sex life was where you channelled a lot of your emotions, so it’s not surprising that you’re struggling now that your outlet has been removed. ”
“Exactly!” I breathed. “That’s exactly what the issue is. Because no matter what happened between Dante and I, we always resolved it in the bedroom. It didn’t matter how volatile our emotions were. And I know that’s not the healthiest way to solve things, but it worked for us.”
“Perhaps Dante is looking to make a deeper connection?”
“I dunno, Doc. He was pretty fucking deep, if I recall correctly.”
She smiled at me then. A real smile. Not the fake, professional smile that came to her so readily.
“How are things going with the rest of the club?”
“Fine. There're ups and downs, of course there are… But I seem to be well liked there. I’ve done what once seemed impossible and managed to forge a small bond with Kitty.”
“That’s good.”
“Yeah…”
“And can you see yourself staying there long term?”
“Sure…”
“I feel like you’re withholding something from me, Rachel.”
I looked at her with a frown and then sighed heavily.
“Everything I say here is confidential, right?” I asked, even though I knew it was. I just needed to hear the words again.
“That’s right. So long as you’re not in danger…” her words trailed off.
“I’m not.” I took a deep breath. “But I did kiss Vienna.”
Doctor Ashleigh’s eyes widened with shock. She quickly recovered herself, but I saw the flicker of scorn before she disguised it.
“How did that happen?”
“It doesn’t matter. But Hacksaw knows.”
“Ahh,” she said, pulling a sympathetic face. “And I take it he’s pushing you to tell Dante?”
“Yep,” I said, popping the P. “And I’m utterly fucking terrified. Dante doesn’t think clearly when it comes to me. We both regretted it the instant it happened, and I know nothing like that will ever happen again, but… Dante will go to that hospital and finish the job himself. I just know it.”
“He might surprise you. Talk to him.”
“That’s your amazing advice, is it? ‘Talk to him?’” I mimicked in an entirely unpleasant voice. “You realise this is someone’s life you’re gambling with?”
“Dante and Vienna have been friends a long time—”
“Exactly. Like, Hacksaw and Shark, they’re his brothers. But Vienna is his brother . There’s a huge difference. It makes the betrayal even worse.”
“How do you feel about the kiss?”
“I… I feel like it was a huge fucking mistake. I feel sick to my stomach whenever I remember it. I feel like I’ve fucked everything up.”
“Do you think the kiss is worse than anything Dante has ever done to you? Because I know he’s done some pretty heinous things, and you’ve found it within yourself to forgive him.”
I half laughed, half scoffed. “That’s because I’m a sane, reasonable person. You’re not dealing with someone reasonable when you’re talking to Dante.”
“You might find yourself surprised.”
“I doubt it,” I muttered, rolling my eyes
“Well then. Let me ask you this. Would you rather the confession came from you, or would you rather he found out from someone else? Yes, you messed up. But only you have the power to contain this as much as possible.”