Chapter 77
Rachel
Not long after, there was a knock at the door and Hacksaw showed in the men from the funeral home.
He must have rung them when I was holding Dante.
I gave him a quick hug as a silent thank you, and then slipped out of the room, leaving them both to make the necessary arrangements to take Kitty’s body away until the funeral.
“Rachel,” Hacksaw murmured as I stood next to him, allowing the workers to do their job. “I know this can’t have been easy and I just want to say… Well… Thank you. I know we’re… going through some shit at the minute, and you know I’m not happy with you. But thank you for helping Mama.”
“Of course,” I nodded, not really knowing what else to say.
I checked in with the kids at Jenna’s, quickly letting her know what had happened.
She sucked in a sharp intake of breath, and I felt a complete cunt for delivering more bad news into her life when she had already dealt with such profound loss recently.
I offered to come and collect the kids, but she said they were all sleeping and she liked the thought of the house being full of children.
I promised to leave them until the morning since they were settled, but made her swear to ring me if she needed anything at all.
I waited behind the bar, serving beers to the guys left behind, the atmosphere sombre and withdrawn. Not long later, I saw Hacksaw slip down the stairs, followed by men carrying a gurney with Mama’s body underneath the sheet.
“Where’s Dante?” I asked, bowing my head in respect as the men wheeled Mama through the corridors and out of the back door.
“He’s still in the room. I’m going to follow the guys and make sure Mama…” he swallowed heavily. “I’m going to make sure she’s settled. And then I’ll be back.”
“Okay,” I nodded, not knowing what else to say.
“You come back here when you’re done, you hear?
I don’t want you in the other house on your own tonight.
She was Mama to everyone here, but we all know she was as much of a mother to you as your biological mother.
Kitty helped raise you, and you’re not sitting in that house grieving when we can all be here together.
You, Vienna and Shark, you were all her children.
It doesn’t matter what we’re going through, or how much you currently hate me, you come here. Understood?”
He placed a soft kiss to my cheek in response and I watched out the window as he revved up his bike, and then softly padded up the stairs and quietly entered Mama’s bedroom.
Dante was sitting on the edge of the bed, his head hanging low and his arms resting on his knees. I heard “How Do I Say Goodbye” by Dean Lewis playing on his phone, and the soft sniffs as he silently cried.
“Dante?” I whispered, crouching down in front of him.
He didn’t respond to me, but he did allow me to hold his hands. I stroked my thumb over his knuckles, feeling completely out of my depth as he broke down in front of me piece by piece.
I stood back up and pulled Dante to his feet, immediately wrapping my arms around his waist. His arms came around me, one around my hips, the other cradling my head against his chest.
“How can she be gone?” He whispered as the song repeated from the beginning.
“It was her time, Dante. It’s what she wanted.”
“I don’t know how to accept that. I knew Crash would be gone. It's part of our lifestyle. But my mother? It feels unreal. She seemed like she would be here forever. I can’t imagine the club without her.”
So how do I say goodbye
To someone who's been with me for my whole damn life?
You gave me my name and the colour of your eyes
I see your face when I look at mine
So how do I, how do I, how do I say goodbye?
The lyrics gave me inspiration, and I started to gently sway with Dante as I spoke to him.
“You don’t carry on without her. You carry her with you.
She’s a part of you, and nothing will ever change that.
Just like you’re a part of Bee. And just like we are a part of Axel.
We keep our loved ones with us. We adopt their strengths and adapt to their weaknesses.
We merge together the best of them, and make it our own.
We say goodbye to their physical presence, but their spirit lives on in us, in the things they left behind.
They become part of the legacy. Gone, but never forgotten. ”
He lowered his head and kissed the top of my head, and we silently held each other, swaying to the music. Words were no longer needed. We had each other, and that was all that mattered in this moment.
We would figure out everything else tomorrow. But right now, Dante knew I had him. I would be the strength he could borrow when he had none of his own. I would be his mask as he learnt to navigate this new world without the one constant he had always had championing his corner.
This was a new chapter of our lives, and together, we would write every word and make it our own.
Because it was our story now, and ours alone.
I held him tighter, my embrace sending him all the love I didn’t dare to say out loud. And in this moment, it was enough.
In the midst of the chaos around us, we took this time to slowly dance to the music, reflecting on the life we had lost behind the door to this room, and the new life that was waiting for us when we opened the door back up.