Chapter 26
Juli
Cameron retreats from the room. My knees give out, the chair breaking my fall. Tears stream down my cheeks at the uncertainty of everything.
Should I have told him about the money?
I have no good answer. What was I supposed to do? Say, “Oh, by the way, a few years ago, I put up a few million dollars of capital for you to have your dream job? Pass the rolls.”
Yeah, I don’t think so. It’s the reason we didn’t tell him.
I knew eventually I’d have to come clean.
But back then, it would have gone down differently.
I can’t be certain how it would have come about, but somewhere down the road, he would have found out.
I never gave it much thought, but if I had, it wouldn’t have been like this.
With him walking away from me. With him having such strong emotions about my decision.
Okay, that part might be a lie. The guy’s easygoing as heck, but he’s always been sensitive about money. He can’t help it—it’s how he was raised.
A thought occurs to me. Does he think I did it to show I’m better than him? That I could afford it when he couldn’t?
Swiping my fingers across my cheek, I jolt out of the chair, racing to my room. He sits on my bed, his head in his hands.
“I didn’t do it because you couldn’t,” I blurt gracelessly.
His head picks up. “What?”
My steps into the room are tentative.
“I didn’t do it because you couldn’t. To prove I could. To show off I had this money and you didn’t.” I’m not sure I’m making any sense, especially because he continues to wear a mask of confusion. “It wasn’t like that.”
His chest expands and deflates. “I didn’t think you did. But it doesn’t change the fact you could. To give up so much money for me. What if you need it down the road?”
I shrug. “I’ll work a little longer to make up for it.”
He huffs. “That’s not a solution. Not a viable one anyway.”
“Not your call.” It’s a little harsher than I intend, but I don’t take it back.
His fingers run through his hair, leaving it messier than it was. At my sides, mine itch to do it, too. To feel the strands pass over my skin. I cross my arms over my chest so they don’t think they can actually do it.
“This goodbye was supposed to be easier. Less unknown about where we go from here. How are we here again? In a more complicated place?” The statements tumble out without conscious thought.
But again, everything I’ve said is true.
I knew today wouldn’t be “easy,” but with this recent development, with things up in the air between us, it may be worse than saying goodbye to him at Whispering Tide.
“Easy things never last.”
I don’t want to admit he’s right, but damn, he’s right.
I also don’t want to do hard with him. Not because we can’t and won’t survive, but because I don’t want to lose him.
But maybe that’s why things should be hard.
If things stay the same and we go “easy,” this could all end.
On the other hand, we could put all this energy into making a go of a relationship, only for it to still end.
I see you crossroads, and I don’t like you.
Shaking all the emotions off for the time being, I ask, “What time do we need to leave?”
“How long does it take to get to the airport? I need to be there by two.”
A quick calculation in my head has me saying, “Be ready by like one. We’ll make a stop at A Latte Perks.”
A hint of a smile crests his lips. Man, do I want to kiss those lips, let them take away the pain of everything. Even if temporarily.
One more time . . .
I don’t allow my thoughts to drift down that path. I’ll give him the time and space he needs to work this through, do the “hard,” and we’ll go from there.
Someone who’s only been in your heart for a month can’t have a permanent residence.
Right?
Not when he’s been there for years.
“I’ll be outside. Come find me when it’s time to go.”
Not even his “Jude” stops the motion of my feet.
A little while later, Cameron joins me on the back deck. He doesn’t sit in the empty chair beside me but stands with his back to me by the railing. His somber mood gives nothing away, but even if he got in my face and shouted at me about how he was feeling, I wouldn’t be able to read it.
“It may take a few years, but I can pay you back the money. I have some savings, but with Whispering Tide doing as well as it is, I can get it faster. I can have some as early as next week if you want.”
That’s not what I want.
“No. I don’t want the money. It was a gift.”
“One I don’t deserve.”
Any comeback dies on my tongue. I can’t make him understand how he deserves this if he truly believes he doesn’t. We can’t keep having the same disagreement. However, he’s not paying me back. I stand by that.
An alert on his watch sounds. As he makes it stop, he sighs heavily. “It’s time to go. I didn’t think this would be how I’d leave.”
“‘Kay.” The one syllable is all I can muster, and I can’t address the latter part of his statement. My legs like jelly, I force them to stand. He hasn’t moved, still staring out at the horizon. “Do you want to grab food on the way?”
“Maybe run through a drive-thru. The Burrito Shack looked good.”
“Sure.” My tone is lackluster, matching the way I feel. I’m going through the motions, pretending I’m remotely okay with not knowing where we stand. Where we go from here.
At the doorway, he catches me, wrapping his arms around my front. “We could have been something special. You and me.” One squeeze is all he allows himself to give before hurrying off.
With the wind knocked out of my sails, I grab hold of the doorjamb.
Did I set myself up for disaster by not telling him? Does he truly think we’ll be better off without each other? Does he not realize he’s made me feel things for him I’ve never felt before? And now what? Am I supposed to forget about him?
Forget about the way my heart skips a beat whenever he enters a room.
Forget about how he makes me laugh, even when he’s poking fun at me.
Forget about the chemistry between us.
Forget about all these feelings, like being with him was a blip on my radar.
While all of those things might prove true, he’s not hiding his emotions from me. He’s highly affected, too.
Maybe time and distance will get him to see the truth, allow him to come to a place where he can accept the gift he’s been given and be okay with it.
A lot hangs on maybe.
Not wanting to cry in front of him, I take two minutes to calm myself, to clear the evidence of despair from my expression.
Inside, Cameron stands by the door, his bag on his shoulder, ready to go. The sight is almost enough to trigger more tears, but I will them back.
“Do you mind driving? I’ll plug our destination into the GPS.”
“Sure.” It’s half-hearted at best, but I can’t ask for more.
A quick run through the drive-thru at The Burrito Shack and then A Latte Perks, and we’re on the way to the airport. There’s hardly any traffic at this time of day, and we arrive way sooner than we should.
As much as a swift exit is best, I direct him to Park and Wait Lot. Cameron parks the car, letting it idle. His eyes stare out the windshield, his stubble grown in more than an hour ago. His hands grip the wheel tightly, his knuckles almost white.
“I never said thank you.”
“You’re welcome,” comes my automatic reply.
“For the—”
I cut him off. “I know.”
“I feel like we did this scene already. It wasn’t supposed to go this way again.”
Then why is it? I want to scream.
For clarity.
For answers.
To understand how to revive my heart.
“Yeah.” If I say any more, I’ll break. The facade will crack. And it’s not fair to either of us for that to happen. Even if he does kinda deserve it for putting us in this place. “You should go. Don’t want to miss your plane.”
As if. Unless there’s a massive line at security, he’s got plenty of time.
A heavy sigh resounds throughout the car. I can’t be certain if it’s his or mine.
“Jude, I . . .”
“I know.” Whatever he was going to say, I know. Even though in reality, I don’t. I don’t have a fucking clue what he’s thinking. I can barely tame my own errant thoughts.
“Maybe I don’t deserve this, but here it comes anyway.
” He pauses, collecting what he needs to get off his chest. With bated breath, I brace myself for whatever he’s going to toss my way.
“I don’t know where I’m going to end up on this, but can you give me some time to process it?
Is that fair of me to ask? To make you wait? ”
“Fair? No, but life doesn’t work objectively.”
“Right. So . . .”
“Take the time you need. I know it’s a lot.” I won’t apologize, though. I did nothing wrong.
“Thanks.” Noise rustles, but I’m too busy staring out the window, holding back my tears, to turn around.
“I can’t let you resent me. That’s my biggest fear in all of this.
” His voice cracks on the word fear, but it’s still not enough to face him.
Not when I lost the battle with the tears.
“If I can’t get past that, I won’t risk your happiness. ”
Risk my happiness? Isn’t he doing that very thing by asking for time? By not accepting the gift and moving on?
I can’t bring myself to ask those questions or say anything else.
His hand graces my thigh, fingers lightly digging in. The gesture does me in. I turn and face him.
“I want you to be happy. You warrant all the happiness.”
I dig deep for the courage to ask, “What if you’re my happy?”
His head shakes before I finish the question. “Not for long-term happiness.”
Cameron’s usually such a carefree, easygoing person. I can’t understand why he’s so negative about himself. Why he doesn’t see the good in himself, the good we could have together.
“Is that for you to decide? My happiness?” Irritation bubbles up, cutting through the tearful emotions.
“I can’t give you the life you want. The one you’re used to.”
Is he for real right now?