Chapter 26 #2
“Why are you jumping years down the road? What happened to our ‘live in the present’ pact?” Annoyance layers my words.
I’m doing a poor job of keeping tabs on my emotions.
We’re on different pages. Didn’t he ask me to wait for him?
Why would I need to do that if he’s convinced we don’t have a future?
He finally looks over at me, his expression full of anguish. It’s a look he doesn’t wear often, and it definitely softens some of the hardness swimming through me.
When he doesn’t speak, I fill the space. “You’re not making any sense. You asked me to wait, to give you time to work through this, and now it sounds like you’ve already decided.”
“If you could see what’s going through my head, you’d know my mind is not made up.
I’m sorry if you can’t make sense of what I’m saying.
It’s because I’m having a hard time myself.
It’s . . .” He rakes his fingers through his hair.
“I care about you. A lot. More than anyone else. And I don’t want to hurt you or to lead you on, to make promises for something I can’t deliver down the road. ”
I set the record straight. “I’m not asking for those. You know that, right?”
He doesn’t answer immediately, taking a few minutes to compose a response. I don’t rush him. Like so many of our recent conversations, this one has been all over the place, and I’m not sure where we go from here.
“Doesn’t mean I don’t want to give them to you.”
He’s always been so candid, a trait I truly admire. The comment brings a faint smile to my lips as an alert dings from his watch.
“You have to go.”
“If I don’t want to miss my plane.” His voice waffles, but if I’ve learned anything in the past thirty minutes, it means nothing. He reverses from the spot, driving toward passenger drop-off.
I put my hand in the air between us. He lays his in mine. His permission is all I need to twine our fingers together. “Can we go back to the easy part? Pretend the last couple of hours didn’t happen?”
“Ignore the fact you invested a shit-ton of money for me?”
“Yeah. If that helps make your decision easier.”
“It doesn’t.”
“Had to try.” This time, my smile is weak at best. “I can wait. You’re worth the wait, Cameron.”
“What if I’m not?” He recoils at his admission, not meaning to have said it aloud. He pulls up along the curb, the car continuing to idle.
“In that case, I guess you’ll go back to being my brother’s best friend.” The thought is despicable. Something I’m not letting myself contemplate.
“That sounds so appealing.” The words drip with sarcasm.
Dropping our hands, I put my arms in the air. “I’m not the one having an existential crisis.”
“Harsh, Jude. Harsh.” The Cameron I know finally shines through, and not because he used my nickname. “Good deflection though. That’s usually how I operate.”
I knock my shoulder into his. “Learned it from you.”
He shifts, leaning against the seat, his head tipping back. “In case I haven’t mentioned it, I’m so fucking confused.”
“Oh, is that what this is all about?” I can’t help the giggle, even though it’s not funny and he’s serious.
To make up for it, I lay out some truths for him.
Which will probably only confuse him more.
“Take the time you need to work through your shit. At least you’ll be in paradise.
That has to make everything easier to swallow. ”
“Palm trees and sand have an appeal to them.” He shudders at the mention of sand. “You can’t comprehend how huge this is.”
“I don’t. But maybe I’m not supposed to. Like you don’t have to understand why I did it, why I wouldn’t take it back if I could.” He goes to argue, but I hold my hand up. “Don’t say whatever you’re thinking. I want off this damn merry-go-round. I’m more of a free fall kind of gal.”
His eyebrows snap together. “Would have pegged you for more of a water rides person.”
“Still better than the constant spinning.” As much as I could keep this conversation going, I steal a peek at the time. “You really have to go.”
I want to ask where this leaves us. Do we have a label? Are we together but apart? Where’s his head at? I already know what he’s going to say. He’s made it clear he doesn’t know.
“I do.” He blows out a breath. “Thanks for the tour around your place in the world. Fun visit.”
Until about three hours ago, it was great. And now we’re here.
“If you say so,” I mumble.
“Calling me out on my bullshit. Gotta love that.”
“At least you admit it’s bullshit.”
Without another word, he jerks open the door, leaving me with no option but to get out. To say goodbye, however this “goodbye” looks.
His bag and food placed on the sidewalk beside him, he gathers me up in his arms. The hug is more awkward than any others we’ve shared, uncertainty looming large.
“For the record, I could never resent you.” I make the declaration loud enough so he can’t miss it. Whether he believes it is another story.
One last squeeze, and he pulls away. Needing more comfort, I wrap my arms around my abdomen.
“I’d never want to put you in that spot anyway.
” Cameron leans in, his mouth edging near my ear.
My eyes shut at the closeness, the smell of my bodywash mixing with the distinct smell of Cameron.
“You’ve given me the tools to make dreams come true.
I only wish I could do the same for you.
” His words don’t have a chance to fully sink in before he leaves an impulsive kiss on my cheek before he hurries away.
Tears I didn’t realize had pooled trickle down my cheeks as he disappears through the open doors.
The last time we did this, I didn’t know when I’d see him again.
The same rings true now. I thought it would be different this time.
Even if there wasn’t a plan in place for when we’d see each other, there would at least be texts, phone calls, sexting.
Now, who the hell knows? With all the things said today, so many things were left unsaid.
I stand on the sidewalk, not caring if anyone beeps or tries to tell me to move. For five minutes, I wonder about what comes next for us.
I said I’d wait for him, and I will. But what does “waiting” entail? How long will it be before there’s some kind of resolution to this?
What happens if this is the end of us?
Tears fall harder with the thought of not having him in my life.
It’s different from when we were teens. He wasn’t so deeply ingrained.
I never imagined we could be more than one night.
However, having him for this past month, being “his,” it changed everything.
It’s way too soon to know how long this could have lasted, but now there’s a real possibility of being over.
Scurrying to the driver’s side, I climb in and adjust the seat so my feet reach the pedals. The tears won’t stop, but they aren’t the blurring kind, but a steady stream seeping out of my eyes.
I call the only person who can help me deal with this.
Elisa picks up on the second ring. “Hey! About time you called me, bitch.”
Luckily, I haven’t yet moved the car as tears turn into sobs.
“Juli! What’s wrong?”
I allow myself one minute. One minute to cry it out. When the minute’s up, Elisa is still thankfully on the line. “I may have lost him.”
“What? Why?”
“Where are you?”
“Mom and Dad’s. Just getting ready to grab lunch. Want me to get us sushi? I’ll come to you.”
The burrito is suddenly less appealing. Yes.”
At her younger age, the girl has so much more life experience than me and will help make things better.
Though I’m not sure her flying me to Magnolia Cay is the solution. Not when the only person I want to see there isn’t ready for me to be there.
“K. Be there soon.”
Hanging up the phone, I check my face in the rearview. Red and blotchy eyes stare back at me. It’s only temporary, but I’m coming to learn too many things in life are.