Chapter 10
Chapter Ten
Alice ignored the knocking on the motel door.
She didn’t feel like talking to anyone. She’d fully regressed in an effort to protect herself. She was holding onto Lola tight and she had her pink fluffy onesie on. It had a cute white-lace tutu that was attached to the waistband.
She also had her thumb in her mouth and was sucking hard. George had hated when she sucked on her thumb. He’d actually put that gross-tasting stuff on her nails in an effort to stop her from sucking on her thumb or biting her fingernails. Another habit he’d hated.
Knock. Knock. Knock.
Why wouldn’t they go away? She’d prepaid the room. She’d put up a Do Not Disturb sign. Why would anyone need to speak to her?
Alice hugged Lola tighter.
Knock. Knock. Knock.
Go. Away.
The pain of Anson’s words had buried themselves like barbs in her body. She couldn’t believe how much it had hurt. Was still hurting . . .
But she didn’t blame him for the conclusion that he’d come to. It was her own fault. What was she doing taking notes about his life? About him?
So stupid.
She shouldn’t have put him in her book. But mostly she’d written notes to remember him.
She hadn’t expected to be shoved out the door after having the best sex of her life. Her body still tingled when she thought about the way he’d touched her, the feelings that he’d brought out of her.
Why had the best moment of her life been followed by one of the worst?
That seemed to be her life.
Nothing good was allowed in it. Nothing good happened to her.
Still, even though she knew that she would never have a shot at forever with Anson, she’d hoped to leave on good terms. To take away some good memories.
She wouldn’t have used his real name, but she might have developed an injured character with a tortured past. A hero who lived alone and pushed everyone away. Maybe a mountain man with a beard and big muscles and a strong protective streak.
A piece of Anson could have appeared in all of her heroes. But she would never have told anyone about him.
How could he think that?
She sniffed. Great. Now, she was crying. Just what she needed to make her life better.
There was a strange noise by the door.
Was that person still there? Why wouldn’t they leave her alone? Was a bit of peace and quiet while she fell apart really too much to ask for?
Then she realized there was a piece of paper on the floor by the door.
What was that? A message? A bill?
Finally, her curiosity got to her. Getting up, she shuffled over to the door. Drat. If she wanted to pick it up the piece of paper she either had to take her thumb from her mouth or let go of Lola.
This was too hard to think about.
Alice really didn’t feel like making any decisions right now.
She’d left George because he’d taken over her life, so why didn’t she want to make any decisions now? Why did she wish for someone to just take all of that away?
She guessed the difference was that she didn’t want someone to just take control, she wanted to give it to them.
A lot of people still wouldn’t get it. But she didn’t care. This was her life. Not theirs.
But, unfortunately, she didn’t have anyone that she could ask to take the load. Obviously, she’d made a mistake with George. He’d completely taken over then ridiculed her for the things she’d needed and used them against her.
Do you think our friends will still want to know you once I tell them about what you really get up to?
Do you think the neighbors will be happy with someone like you living next to them?
Alice knew she never should have opened herself up to George, told him everything.
No way would she make that mistake again. And this experience with Anson had just shown her that she needed to stay away from men. She’d just thrown herself at the first man that had come along and it was completely and utterly embarrassing.
Maybe she was as stupid as George liked to tell her she was.
Placing Lola in the crook of her arm, she leaned over and picked up the note. Then she slowly opened it, blinking at the words.
Alice was moving in slow mode. So it took her a long moment to read the note.
Alice,
I fucked up. I’m sorry. I don’t even have words to tell you how sorry. Apologizing isn’t something that I’m used to doing. But I owe you a big one.
The note was written on the motel’s own notepaper. It had their logo up the top. He must have stolen it from one of the rooms.
Another note slid under the door.
I need to earn your trust back. But could you please just open the door so I can explain?
Anson
She could feel how difficult this was for him. But she didn’t think she had the strength to open the door. She didn’t want to move out of Little headspace. She didn’t want to adult right now.
And she couldn’t show him Little Alice. Right?
Hadn’t she just decided that she wasn’t going to trust anyone with her Little.
This is Anson, though.
Right. Anson who had kicked her out of his house after they’d spent an amazing night together. Who hadn’t even let her explain herself.
Alice hadn’t meant to upset him. She’d never break the rules.
Not intentionally.
“All right, baby,” he said through the door. “I know you’re there, but you’re obviously not ready to talk to me yet.”
She leaned her forehead against the door.
“I’m going to stand here and tell you a few things, though. Just listen, okay? Knock on the door if you can do that for me.”
Worry for him flooded her. It was cold out there and he shouldn’t stand on his leg for too long. But she pushed that worry aside.
He wasn’t hers to worry over.
And he was a grown man. He could take care of himself.
Still, she found herself knocking once on the door. Maybe she just needed the closure. To find out why he’d acted the way he had.
“All right, baby. We’ll do it your way. Just . . . I need to ask you something. Knock once for no, twice for yes. Okay?”
She knocked twice. This was definitely easier. She didn’t have to see his face. See him look at her in confusion and disgust. Or talk to him.
That was a definite bonus.
“That’s a good girl. Do you know who I am?”
She stared at the door in confusion. How did she answer that? Of course she knew who he was. He was Anson.
“Sorry. I told you that I got hurt in a car accident, right?”
Right.
“But do you know that I played pro ball? That I had a contract worth millions? And that car accident was caused by my agent who picked me up from a party. He lied to me and told me that he wasn’t doing any drugs. He crashed and walked away with barely a scratch. While I . . . lost everything.”
Oh my god.
She’d had no clue about all of that.
She knocked once on the door and then dropped her hand.
Anson blew out a breath. “You didn’t know.”
Was that why he was upset? Because she didn’t know who he was? No. That didn’t make any sense. Was it because he thought she did know and that her notes in her book were . . . what?
Something that she might use against him.
What were his rules?
No lying. No invading his privacy.
Maybe he thought she’d done both. Lied about who she was or what she knew. And that she’d been going to tell someone about him.
“All right,” he breathed out. “You didn’t know who I was. And you weren’t writing those things in your book to use them in an article? To sell my story?”
What? No!
Horror filled her. Was that really what he’d thought? That she could do something like that to him?
He didn’t think much of her.
Then again, he didn’t really know her, did he? Just like she didn’t know him. She’d had no idea that he was a successful pro-athlete.
Who’d lost his ability to play because of his agent. Who had lied and betrayed him.
Right. So she could see why he was guarded and cynical. And she couldn’t really blame him for the way he’d reacted.
It didn’t mean it didn’t hurt any less, though.
She knocked once on the door.
Then she heard him sigh again. “Yeah, that’s what I thought you were going to say. God, I’ve been a complete shithead. Believe it or not, I didn’t used to be like this. I was more . . . open and unguarded. Less grouchy.”
That was hard to believe.
“I was never like Joey. He’s always been the better one of us.”
Alice frowned. She liked Joey but she wouldn’t say that he was the better one. She thought they were equally amazing, just in different ways.
“I had a girlfriend at the time. Jenna. I actually thought we would get married. She seemed so perfect for me. She liked people, she was at ease around them, could socialize with anyone. But she could also tell when I’d reached my full and she’d run interference.
She’d get me out of any situation which I’d grown tired of.
Nothing was ever an issue between us. She had her life, I had mine.
I liked that she was independent and not needy. ”
Wow. She didn’t sound like Alice.
Sure, Alice liked people and she didn’t mind some socializing. But she was most at ease when she was at home, curled under a blanket and watching a good movie.
And she wasn’t sure she’d describe herself as independent. She was trying, though.
Because leaning on someone else opened you up to being hurt. To being abused.
“When I hurt myself, I figured she’d stick by me.
And she did for a start. Came to the hospital each day.
And then she was there when I came home.
But eventually, she started disappearing for longer amounts of time.
The paparazzi would constantly harass her coming in and out of our place.
I was sick of all the people trying to get to me, I knew I had to get out of the city.
That I needed to go home. I felt trapped in that house.
Finally, the tabloids printed some photos of me coming out of rehab, looking like shit because I was exhausted and in pain .
. . it was the snapping point. I told her I was moving back here. And she didn’t want to.”
Alice bit her lip.
She could imagine how hard that must have been for him. But she couldn’t help but feel bad for Jenna, too.
“I got it. She was a city girl. And I wasn’t easy. Angry and grouchy, even more than I am now.”
Her eyebrows rose at that. Poor Jenna.
“I told her that she could keep the house. We’d been living there together for a year, but it was in my name.
I was ready to hand it over to her along with some alimony.
And then my lawyer produced these photos of her .
. . and my agent, Tommy. They were in a relationship together.
They had been for a while and both of them had been fucking lying to me.
So when I turned up at the meeting with her and her lawyer, I dropped that bomb and told her that she was getting nothing.
Tommy was already facing a whole lot of charges for the crash, so he was already fucked. Now, it was her turn.”
She took it back. She didn’t feel sorry for that bitch.
How fucking dare she do that to him!
“Part of me wonders if Tommy wanted to get rid of me, you know? To get Jenna to himself. But I was keeping them both in designer clothes and flashy cars, so perhaps not.”
Alice wanted to tell him that she was sorry and that she understood. That their betrayal must have bitten deep and she got why he was untrusting and cautious.
Only those words wouldn’t come.
Christmas bells.
“Jenna must have been worried about what she was going to do for money. Or maybe she’d always planned to take this path.
She went to the tabloids and sold her story.
Told them how she’d been taking care of me in every way and how I just dumped her.
For no reason. Painted me a monster and her the angel.
And I didn’t care about that part. But there was information that she gave them that was true and it was fucking personal. ”
Oh god.
All right, now she really did understand.
That . . . that bitch!
It was a strong word for her to think but it was the only one that truly fit.
What. A. Complete. Bitch.
“I was so angry that when Lochlan, my lawyer, told me that we should retaliate, I said yes. Probably shouldn’t have.
But that bitch told them private shit. And she did that because she knew that was what would hurt me most. So we sent the photos of her and Tommy to the press.
And then I left LA and came back here. And I haven’t really spoken to anyone from that world since.
Well, except my asshole lawyer. Because he’s also one of my best friends and Miles makes me talk to him. ”
Her mind was whirling.
Alice wasn’t sure what to do with all of that information.
“I know that what I said and did was wrong,” he told her.
“I put what happened to me with Jenna onto you. You are not Jenna. It wasn’t fair.
It wasn’t right. You might not be able to forgive me, but, fuck, baby.
I hope you can. I know I’m not good enough for you.
I know that I’m a grouchy, untrusting, cynical bastard and that you deserve way more.
But if you give me a chance, maybe I can change.
Maybe I can be what you need. Because ever since I kicked you out of my house all I wanted was for you to walk back through the door and fill my life with .
. . well, fuck, can’t believe I’m going to be this cheesy. But fill my life with sunshine.”