Chapter 11
Chapter Eleven
She filled his life with sunshine? Is that really what he thought?
Her heart skipped as he said that. But was it enough? Was this what she needed in her life?
Lord, she’d done nothing else since she left but think of him, want him, wish that she was back with him.
However, what if this ended up hurting her? What if there was something else he found out about her that he didn’t like? And he just threw her away again like yesterday’s garbage? She wasn’t sure that she would survive that.
A strange noise hit her ears and she flinched as she realized it was coming from her.
“Baby,” he said loudly. “Shit, please let me in. Or just please don’t make that sound. I’m not sure I can stand it. Not sure I can stand that I’ve hurt you this much. I’m the worst sort of person.”
No. She couldn’t have him thinking like that. He wasn’t a terrible person. He could be so protective and kind. And he’d thought that she’d betrayed his trust in her.
Alice just didn’t know how to let him in again without being scared of rejection.
Well, there was one way she could scare him off. Or test whether he really did want her.
“I get it. You can’t forgive me. Or trust me. But, baby, at least stay for a while. It’s nearly Christmas and you don’t want to spend it in this motel room. And you probably won’t get a flight at this late stage.”
No. She doubted that she would. At least not without it costing a freaking fortune.
“You can still go to the cabin. The road is clear for driving. Or I can drive you up there. Joey can even drive your vehicle so you have it with you. I don’t want you to feel trapped.”
Would the cabin still be available for her? It should be. She’d paid for it up until the second of January.
Did she want to drive back up the mountain? To stay so close to him? But what was the alternative? This motel room sucked. It was cold and damp smelling and there wasn’t a single Christmas decoration in sight.
Maybe once she was in a better frame of mind she could drive back up the mountain. Could have the Christmas holiday of her dreams.
Alone.
Well, she wouldn’t be completely alone. She’d have Lola.
Somehow, that wasn’t the comfort that it had once been.
God. She couldn’t help but think this would be easier if he hadn’t come down to explain. If she didn’t know his reasons for being an asshole. Maybe it would have been more of a clean break and she wouldn’t have to wonder and think for years to come about what could have been if she’d been braver.
If she’d just let herself trust.
Now there was still a tie to him. It was thin and it wouldn’t take much to snap it in two.
“Okay, baby. I’m going to leave you alone. But I’ll write my phone number down on a piece of paper. I want you to put it into your phone. I’ll write Miles and Joey’s down too. If you decide to go to Caldwell’s cabin, message one of us. I don’t want you driving up there alone.”
She frowned at that. She’d driven down here alone.
“And I know that’s fucking hypocritical of me or some shit considering I forced you out of my house and to drive down here on your own.
But I worried about you, even thinking that you had lied to and betrayed me.
Now I won’t rest if I’m thinking about you driving without someone at least knowing.
Although I would prefer you let me drive you. ”
A slip of paper appeared and she stared down at it. Then she sighed. This was it. The moment that would cut that tie immediately.
Before she could talk herself out of it, she opened the door. To her horror, tears dripped down her face again as she stared at his chest.
She couldn’t bring herself to look up into his eyes. It would be too much. A sob escaped, muffled by her thumb but she knew he’d heard it when he sucked in a sharp breath.
“Baby? Look at me.”
Shaking her head, she kept her gaze lowered. She couldn’t stand to see disapproval or horror on his face.
And she wished he would stop calling her ‘baby.’ Because that’s what she wanted to be more than anything.
His baby.
In more ways than one.
“Hey, stop that. Stop crying,” he said gruffly.
Right. Because all it would take for her to stop crying was for him to tell her to stop.
Didn’t he know that never worked?
A finger went under her chin and tilted her head back. She promptly closed her eyes.
“Fuck, baby. You’re killing me here. I hate that I made you cry. What do you want me to do to make it better? Tell me what I can do. Want me to get down on my knees? Might not be able to get back up, but I probably deserve that.”
What the heck was he talking about?
Alice opened her eyes and gaped up at him. Then she shook her head.
“No? You sure? I’ll do it if it will stop you from crying.”
She shook her head again.
“It won’t stop you from crying? How about if you don’t stop crying, I’ll kneel.”
She glared at him. He was trying to blackmail her into not crying? What the heck?
“Hmm. I can see that worked.”
It had? Oh, she had stopped crying. But only because she was mad at him.
“I’m going to come inside and shut the door. You’re getting cold.” Anson closed his eyes for a moment. “I mean, can I come in?”
What was happening right now? He was asking? That wasn’t Anson. But she decided not to question him because she actually did want him to come in. This onesie wasn’t enough to protect her from the chill in the Colorado mountain air.
But what she was really worried about was him. She hated that he was her main concern, however she couldn’t just change herself overnight.
So she stepped back into the room. Nerves had her heart racing. Was he going to say something about the way she was dressed? About Lola? About her thumb being in her mouth?
“Thank you,” he told her, looking uncertain.
This wasn’t the Anson she knew and . . . liked.
Yes. Definitely liked.
She could not have fallen in love with this man.
Not. Happening.
She would have to be insane to love this man.
“So, who is this girl?”
Huh? For a moment she thought he was talking about her, but then she noticed that he was nodding to Lola.
He wanted to know who Lola was?
She tightened her hold on her toy. What was she doing? Why had she let him into the room? Shown him this side of herself? She’d promised her Little that she would only show her to someone she fully trusted. Someone who wouldn’t crush her.
“No, baby, no,” he begged. “Don’t start crying again. Please.” There was a desperate look on his face and she wanted to give this to him, but she could feel her nose tingling. Could feel herself growing close to crying again.
He reached up slowly. What was he doing? She stared at his hand in shock. Then he cupped her cheek.
“Fuck. You’re freezing.” He glanced around and then headed to her bed.
What was he doing? And why had she let him inside?
She was nuts.
He drew the blanket off the bed and then turned back to her. She noticed that he was using his cane today. Had he driven down here? She could imagine how hard it was for him to get in and out of his vehicle then walk up the stairs to the landing outside her motel room.
Wait. She hadn’t even considered how he’d found her.
Walking back to her, he wrapped the blanket around her shoulders.
Alice couldn’t stop staring at himself. What was happening right now?
“You look so shocked, baby. Did you not think that I could take care of you?”
Well. It wasn’t that, exactly.
“I want you to sit down, okay? Sit on the chair. You seem a bit shocked and upset.”
Shouldn’t he sit, though?
She shook her head, then gestured to him.
“Me? What? You want me to sit?”
She nodded. This was kind of ridiculous. She should just open her mouth and speak. Like the freaking adult that she was. Instead of trying to use sign language to speak to him.
But the words wouldn’t come.
“I don’t need to sit. I want you to sit.” His voice was so firm that she found herself sitting without thought.
“That’s my good girl.” He took a deep breath and let it out. “I don’t know why you let me into the room, but I’m guessing that you thought you would put me off by showing me you, huh?”
Wow.
He was more perceptive than she’d actually realized.
“Yeah. I’m on the right track, aren’t I? You thought seeing you like this would mean that I wouldn’t want you? That I’d want to leave? That you would push me away?”
Her shoulders hunched and she attempted to disappear into the chair. Why had she done that? Why couldn’t she just tell him what she thought? What she wanted from him?
To go away and leave her alone.
“If you still want me to go after this, I will,” he told her.
“But I need to tell you that I’m not scared off this easily.
And that I’m not going to just give up. Yeah, you can get in your car and drive and it will probably make it hard for me to find you.
But here’s the thing . . . I pushed you away because I thought you were lying to me, but also because I was scared.
And I’m not that guy. I don’t let fear get to me.
I am not going to let it take hold of my life.
Not anymore. I’ve been hiding away, scared of what people think of me, scared to ask for help, scared that for the rest of my life I’m going to be a burden on everyone around me and I’ve been pushing them away.
Some of them are dense bastards and won’t leave. ”
Was he saying that about her? She gaped at him.
“Not you, baby,” he said hastily. “I would never call you a bastard. Or dense.”
Um. Okay.
“God, I’m fucking this up.” Anson stepped back and sat on the end of the bed.
He looked so tired and worn down that it hurt her heart.
“What I’m saying is I was scared of what I felt for you and I jumped on the first thing I found to push you away. What I should have done is ask you about why you wrote that stuff in your book. I should have fucking communicated like a grown adult instead of reacting like a hurt toddler.”
It wasn’t fully his fault, though. She understood why he’d jumped to the conclusion he had.