39. Rosalie
ROSALIE
Lazarus never spoke, but his green eyes were so expressive that I knew what he was saying without saying a word.
I was impressed. I thought that with the guys as his dad, he’d be wild, and I suppose he likely was, but he was also very sweet and respectful.
I could tell he had fire inside him and that they likely had their hands full.
Judging by the few walls with old crayon markings on them, I knew he did give them a run for their money.
I watched as he ate, kicking his feet and bouncing in his seat. Ethan kept watching him, a frown on his face. I’d catch him glancing at me whenever Lazarus would move too much or when Cole challenged him to a breadstick sword fight, which he fought with valor.
I knew Ethan was worried about how I’d take it all in, and honestly, it was really hard because while I could definitely see Ethan in him, I could also see Celeste peeking out.
It wasn’t Lazarus’s fault, though. I knew that. But it was hard to see, and I hated that it made me hurt.
We made it through dinner, which was mostly quiet and a little awkward because Ethan seemed wound so tightly and Enzo barely spoke. In fact, Ethan hadn’t even spoken to me.
“I’ll get the dishes. You guys hang out with Lazarus,” I said when dinner was over.
I smiled as Lazarus bounced in his seat at the prospect of being with the guys.
I didn’t like that Ethan wanted him out of his own home on account of me.
It was one of the reasons why I was going to go stay with Ryder when he got here.
I wanted Ethan and Lazarus to be comfortable in their home without me making things weird for them.
Plus, Evan and Ellis were coming, and I was so excited to see them. Video calls were simply not enough.
I went into the kitchen with the dishes and set to work cleaning everything up while the guys all settled in front of the TV, an action movie starting.
Laz nestled against Enzo, and I smiled as Enzo wound his arm around him and hugged him, Cole on his other side, the pair talking as Lazarus watched whatever movie they had playing.
I was surprised when Ethan wandered in as I turned to wash the dishes by hand, despite having their top-of-the-line dishwasher at my disposal. I needed a few moments to myself to think.
He placed his warm hand on the small of my back.
“Can I help?” he asked, his voice low.
“I’m fine.” I glanced over at him before looking back at the sinkful of dishes.
He moved his hand off my back and stood next to me as I washed without a word. When I slipped the first clean dish into the rinse water, he pulled it out, dried it, and put it away.
We worked this way for a long time until the dishes were done. I let out the water and made to leave, but he grasped my hand and stopped me, forcing me to face him.
“I’m sorry,” he whispered, staring down at me, so much agony on his face it broke my heart. “He should have been our son. It’s killing me inside.”
“Ethan, don’t.” I shook my head. “He’s a good kid. You’re an amazing dad. I’m proud of everything you’ve accomplished.”
He stared back at me, his jaw quivering slightly. “But. There’s always a but.”
“No but. I mean it,” I said. “I just…”
He closed his eyes. “What can I do to make this better?”
“There’s nothing wrong here. Is it shitty what you’ve endured?
Yes. Without a doubt, that little boy is a gift, and he is so loved.
He deserves to be loved. Stop hanging onto the things that broke you and start realizing they’re what built you.
You are this strong, amazing man who is the best dad.
You’re so smart and god, you’re handsome and so damn hot.
You are the full package. Please. Understand that you are.
Don’t worry about what I feel or think.”
“What do you feel or think?” He crowded my space, with worry on his face.
“I feel like I…” I shook my head. “I don’t matter.
At this point in time, I don’t. It’s because you don’t even know if you want to be with me.
If we can… I don’t know. It just doesn’t matter.
All that matters is you and your son’s happiness.
I’m just a minor character in your story.
He’s the main character. He needs the focus, not me. ”
“I want you to be the focus too,” he said, his voice shaking. “It’s… hard. What can I do?”
“You know what you have to do. I can’t make those moves for you.”
He nodded, his Adam’s apple bobbing. “I can’t leave Enzo.”
“Maybe you two need to talk then.”
“I know.” He looked over at Enzo, who was watching TV with Lazarus and Cole.
“I’m leaving in the morning,” I said.
Ethan snapped his attention back on me. “What? Back to L.A.?”
I shook my head. “No. Ryder is coming. We were going to stay at the place Dom gave us, but I got a text this morning from Klaus that he has something set up for us. He said it’s near here, so I won’t be far.”
“Why are you leaving? It’s safest here.” Ethan frowned.
“Well, I don’t want to be in your way with Lazarus.
You already spent the night away, and that’s not fair to you guys.
Plus, Cole will be at work, and I miss my guys.
Evan will be here with Ellis in a few days, and I want to spend time with them.
Since things are strange with Evan and you guys, it just makes sense for us to be separate. ”
“It’s hard, Rosalie.” Ethan rubbed his eyes. “I love him. Evan. But he’s changed so much, and I want to get to know him again. I fucking miss him like crazy.”
“Slowly, OK? I think that’s what’s best. I’m going to be leaving for tour soon anyway. My international tour kicks off in a few weeks.”
“You’re pregnant.” Ethan frowned.
“So? Everyone knows I’m married to Ani. Women get pregnant, and I’m not that far along.”
“What if… what if the stress of traveling makes you….” his voice trailed off, and I followed his gaze to Cole.
I swallowed hard.
“I know,” I whispered.
“It’ll kill him, Rosalie. He’s so fucking happy. I know you can’t just cancel your tour—”
“I don’t want to talk about it,” I said, meaning it. There wasn’t anything to talk about. I was scared too. It was something I was going to address with Anson soon.
Ethan sighed. “Fine.”
“Is it?”
“No,” he muttered, raking his fingers through his hair. “I’m not interested in arguing with you. It is what it is.”
“It’s not—”
“It is.” He sighed and backed away from me. “This shit is fucked.”
That was all he said before he left and went into the living room.
He lifted Lazarus onto his lap and settled between the guys.
I stayed in the kitchen a bit longer, tidying up anything that remained before checking the time and realizing it was time for my nightly video call home to talk to Ellis and the guys.
I went into the living room and leaned in to kiss Cole on the cheek.
“Hey, baby,” he said, crinkling his brows at me. “You OK?”
“Yeah. It’s time for my nightly call to everyone. I’m going to go upstairs.”
“I’ll go with you. I want to talk to Ellie.”
“Give me a few minutes?” I asked. “So I can talk to the guys?”
He hesitated for a moment before nodding, a frown on his face.
I moved to Ethan and kneeled in front of him. Lazarus immediately sat forward to stare at me.
“It was so nice to meet you tonight, Lazarus. Have sweet dreams, OK?”
He reached for me, and I glanced at Ethan to see a pained expression on his face.
I moved forward and hugged Lazarus tightly.
“Be a good boy for Daddy, OK? I’ll see you in the morning. Sweet dreams for you, darling boy.” I kissed his forehead before running my fingers through his soft hair. He was the sweetest little guy.
He released me and snuggled against Ethan again.
“Good night, Ethan.” I got to my feet. Enzo and I shared a look. We didn’t exchange anything past that before I went upstairs.
The moment I was inside, I closed the door and flopped onto my bed, letting out my tears.
Ethan was right.
This really was fucked.