Chapter 29
I didn’t. And, for once in my fucking life, I needed to figure out what the hell I did want.
In a way that didn’t involve a man.
The problem—I started puzzling out as I drove south, surrounded by mountains—was that I’d never given myself a chance to figure that out.
I’d pined over Zack for as long as I could remember, from the time my hormones had announced their presence…
and, honestly, I’d continued doing that for a good part of the time I’d been with Braden.
And, while with Braden, I’d accepted that he offered me a good life.
But what had I offered him?
There was an imbalance in our relationship, one my best friend Roxy had called me on more than once. She’d known that, even though I loved Braden, it wasn’t something that would carry us through life, no matter how much I lied to myself.
As I approached Poncha Springs, my stomach growled, reminding me I hadn’t eaten at all that day. What little I’d tried had come back up. I hadn’t eaten much the night before, either, but now that I’d made a decision—as shitty as it was—my body was demanding sustenance.
Checking the fuel gauge on Roxy’s beautiful purple Charger, I decided to gas up first, pulling into a station on the roadside.
From there, I spotted a sandwich place and, after removing the over-the-top earrings from my ears and pulling the pins out of my hair, I was seated, having placed an order.
My hair was stiff and full from the hairspray, but at least it felt closer to normal, shielding my ears from the chill.
My phone had more text messages than I’d ever received before and I turned it over, not ready to face the music.
Instead, I looked out the window and took it all in.
Trees were just starting to bud, although the meadows were still covered in a light snow…
and I thought to myself that this might be a nice place to live.
To disappear.
My phone buzzed again, taking me back over the events that had led me here.
Something Zack had said jarred me awake—to realize that I’d been lying to myself far more than I’d ever admitted.
I’d always believed that, with Braden, I could fake it till I made it, but that hadn’t been the case.
And, while he’d always given of himself wholly and freely, I’d always held back.
But I’d told myself it would come with time…and, even though it hadn’t by our wedding date, I’d continued dismissing it. Even sleeping with Zack hadn’t brought me out of my stupor; instead, it was our conversation this morning, long after I was locked into my fate.
I’d started the morning feeling like a big fat fraud because I’d cheated on my fiancé—but that had only been the beginning.
“Here you go, hon,” the waitress said, delivering my sandwich and fries. “I’ll refill your tea.”
“Actually, I should probably skip the caffeine. I’m already jittery.”
“We have decaf.”
I nodded and then looked at the food in front of me. It appeared appetizing, but I was beginning to think trying to eat was a bad idea. As I picked up a solitary fry and nibbled on it, my mind took me back again.
After Zack had left my room with me on the verge of completely losing my shit, I checked myself in the mirror again—and, for the first time in probably my entire life, I looked at myself with clear eyes.
I had no business marrying Braden. I had been lying to both of us for the past two years—and he deserved someone who loved him much better than I ever could.
I’d been a selfish spoiled brat, taking everything he gave and never giving back what he deserved…
always holding back. This was the worst possible timing—I knew that—but I’d rather call off the wedding and break his heart now instead of later.
Would it have been better to try?
No. I knew that now, staring at myself in the beautiful gown that made me look far prettier than I was. My ugly insides spoiled it all.
I knew now that I would never love him the way he deserved.
If I wasn’t feeling it now, it wouldn’t grow.
And I didn’t ever want to break his heart—but I knew that waiting would be worse.
If we’d married, he would believe our lives were all set—and he’d buy the house and we’d have kids…
and I’d still be a shell, waiting for…something.
What that was, I didn’t know, and I wondered if I ever had.
So, without another thought, I removed the veil, placing it on the table, and then kicked off the shoes. The dress, though…I’d needed help to get it on, because the back was corseted—and so I had to pull and tear while trying to reach behind to undo it.
It was messy…but, by the time I had it off, I felt better, and I left it in a heap in the middle of the floor.
Pulling off the thigh-high stockings, I stood in nothing but a pair of white lacy panties. I had physically bared myself but still felt so desperate and crazed, looking for elusive answers that weren’t coming.
Where the hell was my bag?
I spotted it tucked under the dressing table—and I pulled out the clothes I’d worn here: bra and a black Cinderella t-shirt, jeans, and black Converse.
Then I snatched my phone up off the table and tucked it into the back pocket of my jeans.
Once dressed, I caught sight of myself in the mirror again.
Jesus. I looked ridiculous. My hair, still piled on the back of my head in an elegant updo, along with the dangly diamond earrings, didn’t match the rest of myself.
But no matter. I had to get the fuck out of here.
First, though…Braden deserved an explanation.
Rifling through my bag, I found my journal and pen and ripped out a page at the back…
and scrawled a note to Braden. I could have sent him a text message—but then he’d know immediately, and I needed to get away from people.
I needed silence and solitude so I could think.
And I didn’t want to be talked out of the first rational decision I’d made in eons.
Quickly, I scribbled a short message on the page, telling my now ex-fiancé the whole truth.
Braden,
I’m sorry to do this to you, but I realized this morning that marrying you wouldn’t be fair to you. You deserve a wife who loves you with everything in her…and I don’t. I do love you enough to know that you deserve someone better than me.
D
I thought about writing more…but anything else would feel like bullshit or it would be an attempt to minimize the horribleness of what I was doing to this sweet, kind soul.
This is the right thing, Dani.
It was…but it was a shitty way to do it.
When I pulled the door slightly ajar, I realized there was no way in hell I could sneak out through there.
The sound of voices both nearby and farther off told me I would be seen in an instant.
And I knew why…the staff was busy preparing the meal at the back of the barn and prepping the dining area—and guests were delivering gifts here before going to the tent.
And, of course, the entire wedding party was here until the ceremony would begin.
Turning around, I decided to try the window.
As I pulled up on it, it didn’t budge—but I only had to turn a latch to unlock it.
Once open, I pushed on the screen so that it fell to the ground—and then I made my way through the opening, awkwardly maneuvering my way out.
My foot caught on the window and I tumbled to the ground, landing on the screen and a rock that jabbed at my arm.
Just then, I heard a knock on the door.
Fuck.
I wasn’t about to put the screen back but instead glanced around quickly as I stood, rubbing my arm where I’d been jabbed, feeling a bit of blood where the skin had broken.
My arm was also wet from landing in the snow, but I’d get over it.
I was instantly grateful that my dressing room had been on the side opposite the parking area and the tent.
Instead, I was close to the woods. There were no more windows past the one I’d crawled out of, unless I chose to head toward the parking lot and tent—and there was no way in hell I’d do that.
Without further thought, I rushed toward the woods where I’d have the cover of trees.
And I didn’t look back.
Why the hell hadn’t I worn my jacket? It was cold enough to put goosebumps on my arms, but I wasn’t about to go back to get it, because I’d be caught. Instead, I started running—and I wound up running through the snow in the woods near the road that led to the venue.
There were still cars heading to the wedding…and I whispered a silent sorry to them all, hoping they’d at least enjoy the beautiful view and a sumptuous meal that I’d already decided would be completely on my dime.
I’d pay Braden back every penny.
Finally, I made it to the main road and again hid behind the trees. Wearing black and blue, I thought I’d be hard to spot by people driving past. But where was I going?
My cabin.
At first, I wondered how I would get in—but then I slipped my hand in the front pocket of my jeans. Yep, there was the key.
Fifteen minutes later, I opened the door and entered.
Oh, God. I’d already forgotten. After I’d left, I’d sent Braden a message that the coast was clear.
We’d agreed that he’d move all his things to my cabin where we’d spend the first night of our honeymoon together before heading to DIA to fly to Puerto Vallarta.
But because we hadn’t wanted him to see me today until I walked down the aisle, he wasn’t checking out of his cabin and dropping off his things until I’d given him the signal.
But what now? I still wasn’t ready to deal with anyone. It was only a matter of time before people found me here.
There was only one person I wanted to talk to and that person was the only one who could help me.
Roxy.
Pulling my phone out of my pocket, I couldn’t miss that I already had a notification from a text message she’d sent. Holy shit, D. I read your note. You sure you want to do this?
No more lying.
Yes. I have to.
As soon as I sent the message, my phone signaled that she was typing back. I can only hold off telling everybody for a few more minutes. What do you want me to do?
Oh…I knew.
I called her. “I’m sorry, Rox—but I need your help.”
“Name it.” Oh, God. She really was my best friend—and she knew me better than I knew myself.
Soon, she had Dean driving her to my cabin…and she gave me the keys to her car. I asked, “Are you sure?”
“If you are, D. Just…return it in one piece.”
As I hugged her, I winced. “Oh, fuck.”
“What?” she asked, now holding me by the shoulders.
Whispering, because I wasn’t sure if Dean was right outside the door, I said, “I’m stranding you with him.”
“Yeah, well, at least I’m not marrying him. I’ll deal with him later.”
Hugging her again, I said, “I owe you one.”
“Nope. You’d do the same thing for me.”
I sure as hell would have.
And so I drove Roxy’s car down the mountain, feeling like I’d made a clean escape. All I had with me were my purse and phone—and, almost ten minutes later, when I got to the junction at the bottom of the mountain, I took Highway 285 south.
An hour later, I was seated at a table in a restaurant in Poncha Springs while nibbling at a sandwich, wondering what I should do next.