Chapter 6
James
I lift my finger to the doorbell but can’t bring myself to press the little button. It feels as though someone’s put invisible iron chains around my wrists and is holding me back with all their strength.
It’s not like this is the first time I’ve stood at Ruby’s front door.
It’s not the first time I’ve been anxious about meeting her and her parents.
But after everything that’s happened in the last twenty-four hours, I have no idea what’s awaiting me on the other side.
How I’m meant to look Ruby’s parents in the eye, or what I’m supposed to say to them.
And I feel the same about Ruby. What if she’s not prepared to forgive me after all and sends me packing?
My stomach cramps at the thought. I don’t think I’ve ever been as nervous as I am right now.
But walking away is not an option. I made Ruby a promise—quite apart from which, Lin will probably kill me if I don’t hand over her notes as agreed.
I take a deep breath, pluck up my courage, and ring the bell. It takes thirty seconds for the door to slowly open. Ruby’s dad is looking up at me, his eyes hard and challenging, with a determined look on his face that reminds me of Ruby for a moment. I clear my throat.
“Hello, Mr. Bell,” I say.
“James,” he replies flatly. It’s clear that he’s not happy about my visit.
“I wanted to bring Ruby today’s homework. And I’ve got notes from the lessons she missed,” I say, holding up the little stack of paper I’ve assembled to prove it.
Several seconds pass while Mr. Bell studies me without a word. I hold his gaze, the way I always try to do with Ruby.
“Come in,” he says eventually, wheeling to one side so that I can step into the house. Like last time I was here, the first things to catch my eyes in the narrow hallway are the family photos on the walls.
If I ever have a house of my own, I want to put up photos like that. The thought darts through my head, catching me unawares, and I have to look away.
“Ruby!” Mr. Bell shouts so loud that I jump, “you’ve got a visitor!”
I hear footsteps on the landing, then a creak as Ruby slowly walks down the stairs. Her eyes widen with surprise at the sight of me. “Hey,” I say quietly, as she comes to stand by me.
I know that’s not enough of a greeting. I wish I could give Ruby more than that, but I can’t. Not as long as Mr. Bell is watching me like a hawk.
“James has brought your homework,” he explains. “Go into the living room. Helen and I were about to put the kettle on anyway.”
I watch him vanish into the kitchen. Then my gaze is drawn back to Ruby. She looks tired and depressed, and I long to take her in my arms and never let her go. But I know that won’t help, let alone solve her problems, so I resist the urge and gesture hesitantly toward the sitting-room door.
Ruby nods and leads the way; I follow at a safe distance.
“Lin and I were sure you’d want the notes from class so as not to miss anything,” I say, once we’ve sat down on the sofa. I put the pile of papers on the table.
“Have you spoken to Lin then?” Ruby asks. She leans forward to read the top sheet.
“Yeah. We sat together at lunch and divided up who would take notes in all your subjects.”
The corners of Ruby’s lips curl upward—ever so slightly, but they twitch.
“She was worried about you,” I go on. “She said she hasn’t got through to you since yesterday.”
“I didn’t really want to speak to anyone, somehow,” she says quietly.
“I get that.”
We sit in silence for a moment, then Ruby picks up the top piece of paper and looks questioningly at me. “What does the Post-it mean?”
I cough. “There’s a different color for every subject,” I explain. “To help you find what you’re looking for quicker. Lin gave me a crash course in your system. So that’s for maths.”
Ruby looks down and then back up to me, and some of the despair fades from her eyes to be replaced by a hint of something warmer, until eventually a smile spreads over her face. She pulls the whole stack off the table and into her lap and starts to take a closer look at the notes.
“I thought it was probably best for you to read it through in peace, and then if you have any questions, we can go through them together. Apart from English. We’re not doing Tess of the d’Urbervilles. But Lin can help you there.”
Ruby nods absently, still flicking through the notes.
“I hope you can read it all. I did my best, but…”
I don’t get any further. Ruby kind of bounces, then flings her arms around me.
“This is so amazing, thank you,” she says.
Some of the notes have gone on the floor, but right now I don’t care. I hug Ruby back, as best as I can.
“I don’t want to give up on Maxton Hall,” she says, her voice muffled by my blazer.
“I know,” I reply.
She snuggles closer to me, and I hold her as tight as I can.
“Hi, James,” a voice behind us says suddenly. Letting go of Ruby is the last thing I want to do, but Ember’s mocking tone leaves me no choice. I turn around. Ruby’s sister and mother are standing in the doorway. I leap up off the sofa.
“Hello, Helen,” I say, straightening my blazer. “Hi, Ember.”
There’s a moment of awkward silence, after which Helen takes a few steps toward me. For a second, I’m scared that she’s going to give me a slap, and I’m bracing myself, gritting my teeth. But then, Ruby’s mother surprises me.
She takes me in her arms.
For a moment, I really don’t know what’s happening to me.
Helen Bell is hugging me.
“I was so sorry to hear about your family situation, James,” she says quietly.
Her words take my breath away.
She leans back, but her hands are still gripping my upper arms. My body is as stiff as a board. I can’t move, can’t speak. I remember the last time my mum hugged me. It was my last birthday, at breakfast. She came to Lydia first, arms outstretched, and then me.
“If there’s anything we can do for you or your sister, don’t hesitate to say so,” Helen continues as I push down the memory of Mum.
I was expecting to be yelled at. I was expecting rejection and hate. To have the door slammed in my face. And now, Ruby’s mum is hugging me and offering her help. Even though it’s my fault that Ruby got suspended.
I gulp with an effort. Right now, I have no idea what’s going on. All I know is that it’s really hard to meet her eyes and not show how deeply her words have affected me. Maybe gentleness is Helen’s personal weapon of choice.
“James has been taking notes at school for me, so that I don’t miss anything,” Ruby says after a while, freeing me from my trance.
If she hadn’t said anything, I probably wouldn’t have been able to move and would have had to spend the rest of the day standing in the Bells’ sitting room like a pillar of salt.
It’s only when Helen joins Ruby on the sofa that I can breathe again. It takes me a moment to get myself together and go back to where Ruby and Ember are picking up the papers from the floor.
Ember studies one sheet intently, then holds it so that Ruby can see. “They look like you did them yourself,” she says, almost amused.
Ruby gives me a little smile, which shoots through me like an arrow. “Yeah, they do, don’t they?”
I sit down again. My heart is still thumping like crazy, but being close to Ruby is gradually settling my nerves.
“Ember, I could do with a hand in the kitchen,” Helen says.
Ember rolls her eyes exaggeratedly but follows her mum without a word.
Then Ruby and I are alone again.
I turn in the direction where they just went.
“You look as though you’ve seen a ghost,” Ruby remarks with a smile.
“Your mum is…” I don’t know how to describe what just happened. I shake my head and lean back on the sofa.
“I hope you don’t mind me having told them.”
“Of course not,” I reply. “Your parents need to know the truth.”
She breathes a sigh of relief. “I wasn’t sure if you’d see it that way.”
I nod. I might not have personal experience of the kind of bond Ruby has with her family, but I know how important it is. “I love the way you are with each other. Not everyone is able to talk about stuff like you all do. I never meant to pressure you. I’m sorry.”
“You didn’t pressure me. I chose to keep them out of everything—that’s what I’ve spent the last couple of years doing anyway,” she says, quietly but firmly.
I stare at my fingers.
I replay the sound of Dad’s hand connecting with Lydia’s cheek. It filled all my dreams last night, waking me up again and again.
“James?” Ruby whispers.
I study the skin spanned over my knuckles. “Sometimes I wish we could be like that. That I had parents—a family—I could talk to like you do with yours. I…” That’s all I can manage.
“I know,” says Ruby. She slides a little closer to me, and our knees touch gently together.
“I can’t believe Dad sent Lydia away.” I’m breathing faster suddenly. There’s a violent pounding in my chest, and my body feels too cramped for what’s going on inside me. “I couldn’t do anything to stop it. I couldn’t do a thing, Ruby.”
Ruby lays her hands on my clenched fists. Her touch is gentle and warm, and so is her voice when she speaks. “Nobody could have stopped it. You did everything you could.”
I gulp hard. It’s like there are a million pins stuck in my throat. “But it wasn’t enough. And…I’m so sorry for what happened yesterday.”
“I know that,” Ruby answers softly. She squeezes my hand, and I lift my head to be able to see her. There’s grief in her expression, but there’s something else too. Something that I cling to because it feels familiar and right.
“Being there for you and Lydia is all that matters to me at the moment. You two are all that matter to me,” I say, relaxing my hand so that I can turn it and hold Ruby’s. I lift it cautiously to my lips and press a kiss onto the back of her hand.
There’s warmth coming back into Ruby’s eyes. And life. “I doubted that for a while,” she admits quietly. “Outside Lexie’s office.”