Chapter 21
James
Back in Brightwell-cum-Sotwell, Ruby and I have breakfast for dinner, and I wonder why on earth I’ve never done this before. It feels like the best idea ever.
After that, we decide to make the most of the lovely weather and sit out in the garden.
Martha tipped us off that there’s a seating area a few yards beyond the shepherd’s hut, where you get a great view over the countryside all around.
Ruby goes on ahead, and I pick up a couple of blankets from the hut, which we wrap around ourselves.
I put on a playlist of chill songs by Death Cab for Cutie, Iron OK, so it’s all still kind of vague, but I’ve never felt this good, this excited, when I’ve imagined the future before.
“Let me help,” says Ruby. “I’m good at organizing things. We can book your flights together and work out where you’re going to stay, and I can make a to-do list to help you plan, and we can work through it a bit at a time.”
I study her. Keaton Henson’s quiet voice is coming from the speakers, and Ruby’s eyes are fixed on the setting sun.
I don’t think I’ll ever forget this image of her: her cheeks glowing red, her hair blowing gently in the breeze, her slightly parted lips.
She’s so beautiful that it sometimes takes my breath away.
“Are you really OK with all this, Ruby?” I ask quietly.
She pulls up her legs and wraps her arms around them. Then she rests her head on her knees and looks sideways at me. I see a wistfulness in her eyes, but there’s a glint of happiness there too.
“It’s going to be hard,” she begins slowly. “But I think it’s great that you want to do this. I’ll always have your back, like you’ve got mine.”
As I nod, I realize that I’d been unconsciously holding my breath. I slowly exhale.
I can’t tell whether anyone will read my blog. I might come home in a month or so, empty-handed, having to admit that it’s been a flop. But if it works out, then what? If we’re apart for ages, will that automatically mean we grow apart too?
I won’t know the answer to that question for a while. All I can do now is reach out my hand and lay it on Ruby’s cheek. And I can lean in and let my lips melt into hers.
Our kiss is gentle. Full of uncertainty, yet beautiful.
“Don’t get me wrong, I’m definitely going to be crying like a baby at the airport,” says Ruby, pulling away from me for a moment.
“So are we going to be the cringy couple giving PDA in the middle of the airport?”
She laughs quietly, but it sounds sad. I rest my forehead against hers and shut my eyes.
“You could come with me,” I say. “Just the first few weeks, in the summer, I mean.”
Ruby holds her breath. I open my eyes again.
“This is meant to be your adventure, James,” she whispers.
“I can’t think of anything nicer than spending the summer with you,” I say.
I’d been intending to hold back on this suggestion.
Coming here, the flat, the blog…I don’t want to dump too much on Ruby all at once.
But in this split second, I can’t help myself.
I just have to let her know how much she means to me.
“Only if you want to, obviously,” I add hastily. “If you’ve got other plans before starting at Oxford, I totally get that.”
Then she grins. “Me, come to Thailand? Really?”
I nod. “We could do a little tour. Or spend the whole time in one place, whichever you prefer.”
“That sounds too beautiful to be true,” she whispers, snuggling into me. “I’d get to go to those markets you mentioned and try the street food.”
“And we have to go to Khao Sok National Park. Oh, and to Lake View Bungalows in Khao Lak.”
“Sounds like a plan.”
Ruby turns aside and presses a soft kiss on my jaw. Then she traces a line downward. I inhale sharply as I feel her tongue against my throat. Then she kisses her way back up again and pauses a handsbreadth from my face. Her eyes have never looked so green. “I love you, James,” she whispers.
My heart leaps. I lean down and stroke my lips against hers. I hear her catch her breath. “Love you too, Ruby Bell.”
As I kiss her again, all thoughts of the future dissolve into mist, which retreats further the closer Ruby and I come to each other.
I hold her face in both my hands and pull her closer, ever closer to me. I’m only dimly aware of the blanket slipping from her shoulders and sliding to the ground. The next moment, she gets up from her chair and comes to sit in my lap, just as she did in the flat earlier.
This time, I don’t want to risk getting interrupted—just like that, I tighten my grip on Ruby and scoop her up, hold her in my arms. We keep on kissing as I carry her back to our hut.
It’s only when I get to the steps that I release my mouth from hers so that I can look where I’m putting my feet.
Once we’re inside, I let Ruby slide slowly down my body and set her gently back on the floor.
Then I slide the door closed. I lean my back against it.
“Are you cold?” I ask hoarsely. “Shall I light the fire?”
Ruby keeps on looking at me with her deep green eyes and slowly shakes her head. She takes a step toward me, then another. She puts her hands on my stomach and strokes them up over my chest, which makes me gasp.
“I’ve missed this,” Ruby whispers, drumming her fingers against my ribs for a second. “Being this close to you.”
“Me too,” I reply.
Even though our last time together was almost six months ago now, there’ve been nights, and even days, when I haven’t been able to think about anything else. I’ve wanted to do exactly this with her. Stroke her hair out of her face, put my hand on her chin, and kiss her as hard as I possibly can.
But it’s never been the right moment. Now it is.
There’s nothing to hold us back, and there’s a determination in all my movements that Ruby echoes with the same intensity. What I feel for her would scare me if it didn’t feel so incredible to have her here with me, in my life, in my arms.
Her hands are all over my body, while mine slip under the hem of her top.
I gently stroke her warm skin, and Ruby follows suit.
She reaches under my T-shirt, runs her fingertips over my stomach and hips, and upward.
I get full-body goose bumps, and blood is pounding in my veins.
It’s roaring in my ears, but I can still hear Ruby’s quiet breathing, getting faster every time I touch her.
Hands trembling, I push up Ruby’s top. Once she’s slowly pulled my shirt over my head, she flings her arms around me and presses her lips to my rib cage. The lace on her beige bra scratches gently over my skin, making the bulge in my trousers more evident than ever.
“You smell of James,” Ruby murmurs as I caress her shoulder bone with my lips.
I laugh soundlessly. “I hope that’s a good thing.”
She nods, her hair tickling my chin. “A very good thing.”
I stroke her back, run my hands over her shoulders and down her spine.
I lay my hand on the little notch of her coccyx and pull her closer to me, which makes her pant softly.
The next moment, she looks up at me again.
Her eyes burn into mine. I raise my hand and thrust it into her hair, then I kiss her again.
I move my lips against hers, press my tongue into her mouth, enjoy the sigh that escapes her, and let myself go.
My body takes control. It steers Ruby over to the bed.
As she bashes the backs of her knees against it, I pause.
“Is this OK?” I breathe, smoothing her hair off her cheek.
Ruby nods. Her eyes glitter feverishly. “Yes.”
I lean toward her again and run my lips slowly over her cheek, to the corner of her mouth, down her chin, to her throat.
I press a kiss against it and feel Ruby’s hands make their way back upward.
She grasps my shoulders and holds on tight as I take her skin between my teeth and suck.
I can hear her breath catch while she presses herself harder against my body.
“That’s nice,” she whispers.
I take my time. After her neck, I turn my attention to her shoulders and shoulder bones. My lips explore her cleavage and I cup her breasts. I give a gentle squeeze, then my hands stroke down her sides and I cover her belly with kisses. Cautiously, I rest my hand on her jeans and look up at her.
“Is this OK too?” I ask.
Ruby’s eyes literally glow as she nods.
I keep going, undoing the button and then the zip, and then I pull them down over her bottom.
Ruby’s wearing black knickers, and the sight of them sets my heart racing.
After I’ve liberated her from her jeans, I straighten up again.
At once, her hands find my belt. She stands on tiptoe and kisses me, more and more wildly, as she tries to unbuckle it without looking.
It takes a few attempts, but eventually my jeans join hers on the floor.
Ruby sinks back into the soft duvet again, and I follow her, not breaking off our kiss. There’s so much I wanted to say to her, but every word has been driven out of my head by the lust that’s steering my body right now. Ruby wraps a leg around my hips and pulls me closer still.
It’s hard to remember why I’d actually wanted to take this slower—my hands roam of their own volition over her body.
I touch her everywhere, want to feel her everywhere, explore.
I press against her, right between her legs, and the sound she makes nearly drives me out of my mind.
She touches me with feverish hands, bites into my lower lip when I do it again.
I put my hands under her shoulders and pull her up slightly, so she’s almost sitting.
I kiss her again as I reach behind her and find the clasps of her bra with my fingers.
They’re trembling so much that it takes me three goes to undo the clasps.
Ruby’s smiling at me as she lets the straps slip down her arms, then she finally pulls the bra off.
For a moment, I just look at her. The sight of her naked skin, her tousled hair, and the vivid expression in her eyes takes my breath right away.
We move at the same time. Ruby lets herself sink back again, and I lean over her and kiss her, my arms resting on the mattress on either side of her. Her tongue plays slowly with mine as her hands wander to my boxers.
She hesitates and mumbles something against my lips. I pull away slightly and look her in the eyes.
“OK?” She repeats my question with a smile. I laugh breathlessly and nod.
Ruby begins tentatively pushing the boxers over my bum. I help a little, and then pull her knickers off too. After that I reach down to fish my wallet from my jeans pocket and find a condom. Ruby watches as I lay it on the bed beside her and then lean over her again.
Her inviting gaze sets my heart beating even faster than it already was.
She wraps her arms around my neck, and her lips find mine again.
I could keep doing this forever—lying naked in this bed with her, kissing her until all thoughts of the past and the future have disappeared and the two of us are all that’s left.
If it were up to me, this moment could last forever.
I turn so that I can look into her face. Her eyes are cloudy with desire, but their expression leaves no doubt as to what Ruby would like to do.
And there are no more questions. We move in unison; I roll back onto her and she wraps her legs around me, to pull me to her. I slip so naturally inside her. The sensation overwhelms me, and I have to close my eyes and stop moving, stay in this place and this moment.
When I open my eyes again, I see that Ruby is doing exactly the same.
I sink onto my elbows and stroke my fingers over her temples, down her cheeks.
She opens her eyes too. And then I slowly start to move.
I pull away from her and cautiously thrust in again, without taking my eyes off Ruby’s beautiful face for a second.
She moves together with me, slips her hand into my hair and holds me tight.
I’ve never known anything like this in my life before. This thing that we’re doing is linked to unconditional trust. I’m giving Ruby every part of me, and in return, she’s giving me herself.
In the past, sex for me has been all about coming, but this is so much more. With Ruby, there’s no goal in sight. There’s just her and me and the emotions filling me from head to toe.
I don’t have to tell her how much I love her. I’m showing her with my body; with every gentle, deep kiss; with every thrust of my hips; in the way I hold her as her body shakes beneath mine; and I let myself drop away, utterly and completely.