4. Michelle
4
MICHELLE
“ T hat’s all you have?” Jordan looks at my packed bags, which I can basically carry with one hand, in surprise. “I thought that you’d have moved here with all kinds of stuff. You haven’t bought anything while you were in the safehouse?”
“I don’t like going out,” I shoot back instantly. “It makes me really anxious. I haven’t had a chance to go to the shops. All I have is what the Russians sent me with. It’s all crazy, sexy stuff because they wanted me to seduce people.”
Again, Jordan blushes, and I feel a heat rushing through my body too. I probably shouldn’t have said that. My God, when did I get so used to talking about this kind of stuff that I forgot about boundaries? I need to remember how to behave in the real world. Especially if I’m going to try and slot into American life. I shove my suitcase into the bedroom, never to mention it again.
“Well, I can always take you shopping,” he tells me awkwardly. “I guess that’s going to be a big part of changing your look, isn’t it? And if the clothing you have is all sexy, then it won’t help you with getting a job and things, will it?”
“Right.” I don’t know what job I’ll be any good at, but honestly, I’m willing to throw myself at anything. “I can do that.”
“And Max mentioned coloring your hair, didn’t he?” Immediately, I touch my blonde locks, knowing that I’m going to miss them like crazy. “So, that’s something we’re going to have to look into too. As soon as possible. You need to look different.”
It’s a gut punch, having to change everything about myself because of this, because I truly don’t think I deserve it, but I really do just have to go along with it. I need a new identity to help get me through this. Who knows? I might even like it. I suppose I’ve always been trapped in a little box and I haven’t been outside it, so I need to just try. See what works for me.
“What I’ve heard from Max,” Jordan continues, not seeing the internal battle I’m having, “Is that he’s getting your papers worked out so as soon as he’s got it all in place, we can move in the right direction. We can set your life up as you want it.”
“Do you know what sort of clothes I should get?” I ask him curiously, hoping that it’ll be a million times better than the thigh-skimming dresses and skirts and the low-cut tops which I don’t like one bit. “For work and everything like that?”
“I don’t know,” he admits cautiously. “But I’ll sort it out with you. I think together, we can make it work. You aren’t one of those people who loves shopping, then? I was hoping that you might have some idea of what you want.”
I let out a little laugh. “Sorry, that’s never really been me. Maybe that side of me will unleash in the store.”
“Are you hungry?” The sudden change of subject throws me off guard. “We don’t have any food in the fridge yet, so I wanted to know if you want to go out? We could get out the house for a bit and fill our stomachs. How does that sound?”
I have a feeling that the awkwardness is getting a little too much for him and he wants to get out of these four walls so he can breathe a little easier, but unfortunately, I don’t know if I can stand it out there. For me, being locked away is so much better. I absolutely love it. I know that none of the Russian agents can get me here, least of all Alexander, the asshole boss of the whole spy operation in this area who will be the one to tear me apart if he finds me. I can only assume by now that Alexander has tracked down the cellphone I dumped in the trashcan, however far away I did it, so he knows I’m off the grid. He’ll destroy me.
“I don’t know if I can handle going out.” I fold my arms protectively across my chest. “I’m sorry. I’m starving, but I don’t know if I’ll be able to go to a restaurant or something like that. I don’t know if I can be out in public again…”
My breaths get caught in my throat. I begin panting desperately, unable to calm myself down. The idea of being outside again with cool air washing over me is too much. I keep seeing Alexander staring at me as he pulls the gun and kills me.
“Okay, it’s okay.” Jordan rests his hand on my shoulder to attempt to reassure me. “We don’t have to go out. We can order takeout. We can eat in here. I’m sorry, I wasn’t thinking when I made that offer. We will get food to eat here.”
It takes a while for the tight knot of anxiety to loosen. The idea of being out there in the world for another time today, even with Jordan protecting me, is too much for me. I can’t do it. I need to be locked away inside this place for as long as I can.
“Are you sure?” I finally gasp out as I lift up to reach his eyes. “I’m sorry, I know that’s an issue…”
“I’m sure. I don’t mind eating inside. I’m just hungry, that’s all.” He grins at me, showing dimples popping in his cheeks. “I’m willing to eat anywhere. Do you have anything in particular that you would like? I’m easy. I eat anything.”
I suggest Chinese food because as far as I can understand, everyone likes Chinese food. I do too, and if it’ll do anything to ease the tension between us, then I’m all for it. I just want this time to run smoothly with Jordan, that’s all.
“Right, well, I’ll give you time to unpack, and I’ll put in the call and order us some food, then.”
“You aren’t going to unpack your suitcase?” I nod toward the small bag he has with him. He talks about me not having a lot of stuff, but look at him. He doesn’t really have anything with him. But I suppose he isn’t going to be here forever, is he? I am. Hopefully, unless Alexander grabs onto me and ruins everything, of course. But I’m not planning for that. “There’s room.”
“I can live out of a case.” He grins back a little cheekily, if I’m honest. “You don’t need to worry about me. But don’t worry, if I’m sleeping on the couch, I won’t make any mess of your living room. I’ll look after this place as if it’s my own.”
Ooh, I like it when he’s cheeky with me. It sends a shiver of delight running down my spine. Not that I can think of him in that way, especially not if we’re living together. Because he has me breathless, I can only nod and quickly make my escape into my room. I quickly close the door behind me and rest my weary body up against it to try and catch my breath as much as I can.
Wow . My head is spinning. I’m a mess. I’m feeling a little jittery being this close to Jordan in this enclosed space. Maybe we should have found a way to go out instead. Perhaps I should get over my fear… but I suppose I’m going to have to find a way to get used to being around him. I can’t not, can I? If we’re going to live together until I’m safe, which could be a long time.
Unpacking my case doesn’t help, looking at the negligee and the skimpy clothing. It all screams sex, which of course it’s supposed to, but it doesn’t help my current mood. I might as well have flames licking all over my skin. God, what is it about Jordan? Why does he have me all dizzy with far too many emotions I can’t explain well, even to myself?
“Why am I even bothering to hang all of this up?” I mutter to myself with a head shake. “I don’t want to wear any of it.”
I’m half looking forward to going clothes shopping so I can at least have something that I’m comfortable with, but I’m nervous about it too. Especially if I’ll be doing it with Jordan. It’s pretty… intimate, isn’t it? As an experience. Not that I’ve ever been shopping with a man before, but to me it seems like it’ll be deeper than touching one another. But maybe that’s just because I’ve been so trained to think of touch as a tool. Maybe that will change when I find a man I really like .
“But not Jordan,” I whisper quietly to myself. “Just because he’s good-looking, doesn’t mean he’s the one.”
Eventually, I drag myself out of the bedroom right at the moment the food arrives, which is great because I’m actually starving now. I don’t know what it’ll be like eating with Jordan, but I’m willing to give it a try. It might even be fun.
“I ordered some of everything, so there’s bound to be something you like here.” He spreads it out on the dining table which is thankfully here with the rest of the furniture. “I hope, anyway. But let me know if you don’t like anything.”
“No, there is plenty here. Thank you for all of this. It smells delicious. I appreciate it all. Wow, what a feast.”
We take our seats and start to eat, which unfortunately brings with it the awkward silence once more. Every so often, one of us will say something to try and start a conversation, but it doesn’t quite pan out at all. It’s almost as if we aren’t quite connecting, which is strange because I think we’ve done pretty well today. We’ve managed to survive it all with ease.
There’s still an element of distrust, too. I can feel it emanating from him. I think he might be trying to overcome it a little, but it remains there, clinging to the air. Even becoming his ‘wife’ for the day hasn’t done anything to dampen that. I guess it’s going to take more time. Eventually, I’ll show him that I’m everything I promise to be. I’m not a spy, I’m not someone who shouldn’t be trusted. I’m just trying to escape a shitty situation that I’ve been forced into.
“Wow, I think I might be stuffed,” I eventually declare with a giggle. I want him to see the warm-hearted side to me. I want him to know that I can be liked by him. “I don’t think I’ve eaten that much in a very long time. I’m so full, but honestly, that was delicious. The nicest Chinese meal that I’ve ever eaten. Thank you very much, Jordan. It was sweet of you.”
“Oh, well, you’re welcome.” He doesn’t know how to handle the kindness, the compliments. It makes him bashful, which is actually kind of cute. “I’m glad you enjoyed it. No, don’t pick up the plates. I’ll do the dishes. I don’t mind, before you argue.”
He’s going to insist, I can sense it, and I don’t have the strength to fight back right now, so I simply nod in agreement instead. It’s been… well, not the worst thing in the world hanging out with Jordan, but there is a definite unease that I want to get away from. I need to be back in the bedroom where I can be by myself and get my head in order.