16. Michelle
16
MICHELLE
“ O oh, I’m nervous now.” I’ve been excited all weekend about starting my new job, but now that the moment of truth is here, I’m anxious all over again. “What if I’m wrong and I don’t end up making any friends or anything like that?”
“You will.” I don’t know how Jordan isn’t sick of reassuring me. It feels like he’s been doing it forever. Honestly, he’s more of an emotional support than anything else right now. “You’re going to have a really good time. The first day is always the most overwhelming at any new job, anyway. After that, it gets a whole lot easier. Trust me, you’re going to be just fine.”
I nod hard and fast, but I don’t think the words are fully sinking in just yet. Until I walk through those doors and into the office to get my new job up and running, I won’t be able to feel anything other than sheer panic. “Yes, I guess so.”
“You'd better get going.” Jordan looks disappointed as he says this. I have a funny feeling that he’s going to miss me today, which is super sweet. I’m sure as hell going to miss him too. I’m getting used to his being around. It’s starting to get weird to think that maybe one day, he won’t be around me at all times. I don’t know how I’ll cope. “You don’t want to be late.”
I almost edge over to lean up and kiss him, but I think better of it at the last moment. It’s all well and good, us hooking up in private, but we really need to be careful about how we act in public. Especially since he’s here as my bodyguard.
“Well, I’ll see you later, then.” I try to convey all of this with the meaningful look that I give him. Whether he understands it or not, I don’t quite know. “I’ll see you at the end of the day. Will you be here to pick me up afterward?”
“Sure, I’ll be here. Now, you go and kick some ass, Michelle. Remind them why they hired you in the first place.”
I take those words with me as I stalk toward the office. I hold onto the feeling they gave me as I swing the door open and make my way inside. Faking confidence until I really felt it worked in my job interview, so it should do so again.
“Ah, Michelle.” Thank God, Sally is waiting for me. I instantly feel much better with her around. “Let’s get you to Human Resources. Once we have all the paperwork completed, I can show you to your desk and get you started.”
All the tension that I’ve been feeling simply melts away into nothingness. Of course I can do this. Of course I can show Sally and everyone else that I’m worthwhile. Of course I can make some friends while I’m here. Since everything else has been looking up for me, I should hold onto the belief that this is going to work out well too. This is going to be awesome…
The morning passes much faster than I’m expecting, but in a good way. I like the team in the HR department. They went out of their way to make me feel welcome, and I also adjusted to working with the computer system well. I thought that I might struggle to grasp certain things, but it turns out I’m smarter than I give myself credit for. I catch on fast.
Then there are the girls seated around me, Alice, Daphne, and Celine. They are amazing. They have gone above and beyond to help me and are fast becoming the sort of friends I hoped I could get at this job. I just know now that Sally fosters a positive working environment, and it results in a much more productive work force. I’m going to like it here for sure.
“Michelle, are you going to come out to lunch with us?” Alice touches my arm gently. “Most of the people here go to Rosie to eat, but we aren’t keen on that place…” Her words flood me with relief. I still don’t know what happened the other day, but it isn’t my favorite place either. “So, if you want us to show you an awesome sandwich bar, we’re about to go now.”
I leap up enthusiastically. “That sounds amazing. Thank you. I didn’t realize how hungry I was until you said that.”
I rub my stomach to highlight the joke, and the girls laugh appreciatively at me. The only slightly almost awkward moment I’ve had with them is when Celine picked up on the slight accent that slips through occasionally, but I passed it off as a Polish accent. I’ve spent so much effort squashing the accent that it isn’t strong enough to tell the difference. Aside from that, which was very quickly skated over, it’s been amazing. I’m so excited to see Jordan at the end of the day to tell him.
We all chat excitedly on the way to the sandwich bar, with me opening up a little bit to the others. Obviously, I can’t tell them much about my true self, but it means I can invent a brand-new me. I can be the person I’ve always wanted to be. I damn near lose myself in this fantasy until a strange sensation creeps up the back of my neck, an icy-cold feeling which puts me on edge…
Someone is watching me . I don’t know how I come to that conclusion, but it hits me hard. It strikes me down like lightning bolts and all of a sudden makes it seriously hard to breathe. It’s like something has lodged in my throat and is blocking my airways. I twist my head around slowly, trying my hardest to be discrete, which isn’t easy when my heart is pounding so furiously I fear it might want to explode from my chest at any given moment. But I don’t want my new friends to become aware of anything.
Oh! As soon as I spot Jordan, everything clears. The fear subsides, and I almost laugh at myself for being so ridiculous. Just because he said that he would pick me up at the end of the day, it doesn’t mean he’ll let me go the whole time without being watched. Why would I even assume as much? He wants to make sure that I’m not in danger at all times.
“Are you okay?” Daphne asks me curiously. “Did you forget what you were talking about just then?”
I snap back around, making the rapid decision not to wave at Jordan, which has to be the right one because surely, he’s supposed to be discrete? I force a smile on my face. I need to pass this off casually. “Sorry, I thought that guy who just walked past was my horrible ex-boyfriend. I really don’t ever want to lay my eyes on that man.”
Thankfully, this spirals into a conversation about awful ex-boyfriends, which allows me to take a step back from the limelight of conversation. I’m going to have to stop being so paranoid if I really want to create a life for myself. One day, I’m going to have to exist in a world where I’m not plagued by fears, and I need to get used to that. Alexander hasn’t made a move since I’ve been with Jordan. I haven’t had any threats or anything. There’s nothing for me to worry about. Maybe I was always too small-fry for them to really give a shit about me at all. There could be plenty of other women like me who simply vanish from the spy game, and as long as they don’t speak out, no one cares. Now wouldn’t that be a wonderful outcome for me?
“Michelle?” It isn’t until we set foot back in the office that someone directly needs me. Only this time, it’s Sally and she has the weirdest expression on her face. “Can I have a word with you, please? In my office, if you don’t mind.”
“Erm, sure.” This could be normal. There’s absolutely no reason for me to get myself all tied up in knots, but of course, I do. I want to blame it on the paranoia that gripped me outside before, but I think it’s Sally’s coolness toward me. She has been so friendly to me up until this point, so the sudden change is hard for me to wrap my head around. “You want me now?”
“Yes, please. That would be for the best.” She spins on her heel and indicates for me to follow her. “This won’t take long.”
I look at the girls desperately for clarification of what’s going on here, but all they can give me are hopeless shrugs back. I guess this isn’t normal, then. I should be a little bit freaked out about what’s going on here.
“Right, Michelle,” Sally declares in a brisk, professional tone as she takes her seat. I do the same on the other side of her desk, wondering why she isn’t as sweet-natured as she has been every other time that we have spoken. “I’m sorry to say that you can’t work here anymore. I know that probably isn’t what you want to hear, but you must leave this building immediately.”
I snap back as if I’ve been slapped in the face, which is exactly how I feel. “W–What? Why not? Have I done something wrong? I thought that… that I was doing okay here. I thought I picked it all up. I can work harder or change if you need me to…”
Sally avoids eye contact with me, but I can see a darkness behind her gaze. I have a horrible feeling that something has happened and it has nothing to do with my work ethic. Perhaps she’s found out exactly who I really am somehow. I don’t know how in-depth these background searches go. She might have discovered me lying to her, and I can’t even explain why.
“We don’t need a scene here, Michelle,” she half-whispers. “I’m sorry about this, but you need to go. Your paperwork will be disposed of properly. You don’t need to worry about us holding onto any of your data here. It’ll be like you never came…”
“But… but why?” I can’t just walk away from this. I can’t force myself to just go. Everything has been going so well for me, so this downward spiral makes me feel a million times worse. I can’t handle it, I can’t breathe. “What did I do?”
“Don’t do this, Michelle,” Sally begs. “Please, just get out of here. I need you to leave right away.”
I shove my chair back and let out a strange wail-like sound because I feel so traumatized by all of this. I don’t get it. It doesn’t make any sense at all. It’s making me feel ill. Thank God Jordan is around somewhere, looking out for me. I need to find him, and now, he’s the only person who can make this shitty situation feel better. He’ll help me to breathe again.
I race out of the building as fast as I can with tears blurring my vision. I try to spot Jordan, but it isn’t easy when I’m so messy, so I simply make my way over to Rosie ’s because that’s where he was before, so it might be a good place to start.
But something stops me. Someone grabs onto my top and yanks me backward, nearly tripping me over in the process. At first, I think Jordan might have found me until my ass hits the inside of the back of a van. That’s when I see him and know that my safety is over. A blackness overcomes my heart at the same time it does my eyes. This is the end.