7. Drew
Drew
A fter feeding and burping my daughter for the first time, I left a sleeping Kaia and Leila with the promise of a serious conversation in the near future.
At the time, I’d meant for the conversation to happen that evening.
Instead, we’ve been bouncing around each other for two days.
I stop by before heading to the barn, but it’s usually just long enough for Leila to grab a shower while I snuggle Kaia.
Best damn thirty minutes of my day.
But today is the day we finally sit down and figure out what the future—our future—looks like. As soon as I get some horses ridden.
As I walk into the aisle of the poorly lit sale barn, Declan slings a saddle over a young filly’s back. For a mare, she’s easy going and willing. The kind of mount I’m stuck with for now.
“You wanna take this one out?” Declan asks without looking up from doing up the cinch. He checks the saddle once more before patting her on the neck and turning to me.
I step past the horse and my brother, grabbing the work bridle before unclipping the crossties and sliding the bridle over her halter.
Declan stands in my way, forcing me to look up the few inches into his face. “You good?”
I roll my eyes. “You going to ask me that every time you see me?”
“For a while, yeah.” He steps to the side, letting me and the mare move toward the arena.
I walk past without another word, my brain already in ride mode.
I was born to be in the saddle. Never once have I questioned that. It requires awareness of every breath, every turn of the head, every shift of the hips. The fact that a thousand-pound animal can be that reactive, that in tune to the human on its back, never ceases to fascinate me.
After I throw a leg over, I take a moment to lower myself into the saddle and breathe, letting the mare feel me relax. No rush. No worries. Just me and her and nature.
I could’ve lost it all. Everything I’ve worked for should have gone up in flames.
I still hear the crunch of my shoulder against the metal panel of the round pen. I still have nightmares where I grip the horn as Havoc goes down on our left side, the pain or the concussion or both knocking me out.
I’m lucky. I’m lucky to be here. I’m lucky Leila wants me in Kaia’s life. I’m lucky our daughter is too young to realize how much of a mess I am.
As I work the little mare in and out of circles, encouraging to find her own balance, my mind drifts to the little human I held in my arms earlier.
The tiny fingers that grasped mine and wouldn’t let go.
The way Leila still soothes my nerves, even while staying out of reach.
The way my heart still pounds at just the sight of her.
She’s still the most beautiful girl I’ve ever known, inside and out.
I step the filly into a slow-legged canter, letting her stretch her neck, her long black mane catching the wind as she moves.
As we turn the corner near the barn, Declan steps up to the fence.
I pull up the mare, but her brakes are sharper than I expect.
My left hand pushes into the horn, jarring my shoulder.
I wince enough for Declan to notice, concern filling his features.
“If you keep getting hurt, I’m not going to ready these guys for you anymore.”
I chuckle as I rotate the shoulder a few times, trying to work out the twinge I now feel. “I’d just get them ready myself. What’s a little more damage from slinging saddles?”
“Not funny.” He shakes his head in disbelief, or maybe in total belief. He knows how stubborn I am. “Gavin just called. Said he wanted to talk if you had time.”
I pat my back pocket, realizing I must have left my phone in the barn. “How long have I been out here?”
“About an hour.”
I reach a hand down to scratch the mare on her withers, whispering encouragement and praise before slinging my leg over and dismounting. “Such a good girl,” I murmur while letting her scratch against me until a farmhand steps up and takes the reins from me to untack and hose her down.
“I can literally feel you worrying, Dec,” I say as I rake my hand through sweat-soaked hair.
“Are you sure you aren’t jumping too fast here?”
“You mean with Leila? It’s not like I’m jumping into bed with her.”
“You already did that, didn’t you?” he asks wryly.
I grip the ends of my hair, frustration pouring out of me on a groan.
“That wasn’t fair,” I finally say. “You know damn well that I’m in love with that girl.
I have been since I was twelve years old.
And I am going to regret the last year until the day that I die.
But you do not get to throw my daughter in my face. ”
He opens his mouth, probably to try to smooth over his words, but I cut him off. It’s been long enough. I’ve kept my feelings from that time to myself for long enough. Looking my brother dead in the eye, I tell him the truth of what happened after he walked in on us.
“I was going to drive back up that next weekend. I’d already cleared it with Dad.
Told him why and everything. Then she texted me.
Said she needed to figure things out on her own for a bit.
To give her some time to tell Gavin about us.
She didn’t know I’d already talked to him.
Asked for his blessing the same day I bought the ring.
” I huff a laugh, but it’s filled with so much pain at the memories that surge forward that it comes out choked.
“Then the fiasco with Havoc happened, the surgeries, everything. She called, texted, left messages. I ignored them all, because I knew I wasn’t good enough for her.
Didn’t listen to them until the other day. ”
“Drew.” It’s not often my brother’s voice cracks with emotion. I can read the apology on his face, but it isn’t good enough.
“No. You weren’t supportive when you found us together back in October.
You’re being a dick about things right now.
I will do my job to the best of my ability, but my personal life and choices are not your concern.
And if you know what’s good for you, you’ll keep your mouth shut around my daughter and the mother of my child.
” I start the walk into town, calling over my shoulder, “I’ll take the other mare for a spin when it cools off this evening. ”
No footsteps follow me. No voices holler after me. It hurts more than it should.
***
It’s more than a little tempting to head over to Riley’s Bar and Grill, but I’m unprepared to handle any heart-to-heart conversations with Jace after the way today has gone.
Instead, I cut across the town square to slip inside The Write Brew.
Maybe Kelsey can slip me one of her “off-the-record” frilly coffee drinks.
Don’t judge. They taste like coffee milkshakes when she makes them.
Instead of a sugar rush, an unexpected scolding cuts me off before I can decide if I want caramel or chocolate or both.
“Andrew Malakai Flynn, how dare you.”
I freeze, the sound of my mother’s voice locking me in place. “I don’t even have the door to The Write Brew all the way open yet, and I’m already getting full named?”
“Don’t you talk back to your mama, boy,” she scolds with a smack to the back of my head. It’s then that I take in who else is in the little café. Kelsey and Jett are at one of the couches on the bookstore side, a tiny bundle tucked into Jett’s chest.
Uh-oh.
“You have some explaining to do,” Mama whispers. Her eyes are shining with joy, but there’s too many questions in that gaze.
I wrap my mom into a tight hug, praying she doesn’t disown me for not filling her in on everything from the last few days. Months?
I’m severely lacking in what the protocol is for telling your mother that you had a secret relationship that resulted in a baby and then you unknowingly abandoned baby and mother because you were too selfish to listen to messages.
Yeah, that sounds like a perfect thing to tell the most nurturing human being to grace this Earth.
I slip away from her and walk over to Jett, silently begging her to pass my daughter to me. In true Jett fashion, she sticks her tongue out at me but ultimately hands over Kaia after making me use the hand sanitizer on the table next to her.
I bounce gently with Kaia curled into my arm. It’s still terrifying to hold such a small, fragile being, but I’m getting more comfortable with it.
Kaia’s eyes are so blue. I can’t help but wonder if she’ll end up with my eyes or if they’ll turn as she gets older. Studying her face, I step closer to my mom.
“Mama, I’d like you to officially meet Kaia. Your granddaughter.”
Her eyes mist over as she tentatively reaches a hand out to squeeze Kaia’s bootie-covered toes. “I expect you three over for dinner tomorrow night.”
“I don’t know if Leila would be up for—”
“Not up for discussion. Family dinner. Tell Gavin to tag along as well if he’d like. I want all my babies under my roof for a meal.”
“Yes, ma’am.” I glance to Kelsey. “Where is she, anyway?” I ask, gesturing to Kaia. “More than a little surprised to find my daughter without her or Gavin.”
Kelsey returns from behind the counter, a sugary concoction in hand. “Leila had an appointment and Gavin needed to run some errands. I volun-told them to leave Kaia with me,” she says as she passes me the drink.
I nod my thanks as I shift Kaia in my arms to take a sip. Knowing how stubborn both Barrett siblings are, I ask, “How’d that go over?”
“’Bout as well as you’d think. But they both need a break.” Her eyes soften as she gives me a pointed look. “You guys need to figure something out. She’s running on fumes, D.”
I nod, looking away to avoid the guilt that hasn’t stopped eating at me. “Working on it,” I mumble before stepping back to my mother and letting her coo over her first grandchild while a plan starts to spin in my head. It’ll take some work and some major convincing, but it just might be doable.