8. Leila
Leila
T herapy sucks. Sometimes, I wonder if it wouldn’t be easier to just let the memories lie where they are and quit digging into the bad parts.
My emotions are all over the place. First, I had a nightmare but instead of the usual terrors playing back like memories, it was of something happening to Kaia.
When I finally gave up on sleep, I fell apart in the kitchen because there weren’t any little spoons in the drawer when I wanted to eat cereal.
It’s stupid. A grown-ass woman should not overreact because the only spoon available is a big one. And yet, here I am hours later and still irritated about it.
Kristen says it’s probably a combination of my usual bad thoughts mixing with postpartum rise and fall. It’s been a day. Jett and Kelsey have Kaia. It gives me the good kind of chills to realize that we actually have a support system here, more than just Gavin.
Taking advantage of the fact that I have a few hours to myself without feeling guilty for pawning my daughter off on Gavin, I start the walk to the ranch.
It’s been too long since I’ve felt a horse’s mane under my fingers.
Even longer since I’ve been in the saddle.
Maybe I can talk Drew into a trail ride one of these days.
I wander down the barn aisle, glancing at each horse that is in for the day.
Most of them are too busy munching on alfalfa to notice the human ogling over them.
As I make it to the end of the barn, I come up on an oversize stall.
A stocky built, leggy chestnut stands with his head in the corner, but his ears twitch as I approach.
His feet stay planted, nose to hay, but he knows I’m here. He’s watching. Calculating.
A sign on his stall reads Weary of Humans. Keep Out. I chuff a laugh.
“You and me both, buddy,” I whisper as I lean against the stall door and glance out the end of the barn, taking in the breathtaking views of the rolling green pastures, the scent of horses a long-forgotten comfort.
A soft snort and sniff at my shoulder makes me glance back into the stall.
The chestnut has come out of the corner, now leaning his nose against the stall bars.
I run my knuckles gently along his muzzle, the bruised skin from the bag work in my morning workout protesting at the contact.
Even still, I continue scratching the gelding’s nose all the way up to the cowlicks between his eyes as we soak up each other’s company.
A time later, though I’m unsure if it was ten minutes or an hour, the air stirs behind me about the same time the gelding’s ears flick back. I turn my head, hand pausing mid-stroke, to find Drew standing against the stall across from us.
“Wondered how long it’d take for you two to realize you weren’t alone anymore.”
“What’s with the warning sign?” I ask immediately. “This guy’s a sweetheart.”
I’m surprised to find Drew hesitating in his answer. “He’s the horse I was on when we went down.”
My eyebrows shoot up. “This is the horse Gav said shoulda been put down?”
Drew nods. “When Declan realized the extent of the trauma to this guy’s mind, he started questioning if it was something that could be overcome.
Being the phenomenal horseman that he is, though, he gave Havoc the time and space he needed.
Moved him to one of the big back fields with a few of the old retired geldings where he wouldn’t be around people or vehicles. ”
“Then I’m assuming you started building trust with him as soon as you could.”
He nods. “As soon as I was back on two feet, I started spending a few hours a day just sitting by the round bales reading or listening to music.”
“Seems like he bounced back.”
“He’s still extremely skittish in the arena. He’ll probably never accept a saddle thanks to me, but he’ll never live a day not spoiled like a little pasture princess.”
“You’re a good man, Drew. A good horseman. Anyone who’s met you knows that.”
He shrugs one shoulder.
“You’ll be a good father, too. I wouldn’t have come back if I didn’t know it deep in my bones.”
“As long as you’re good with me having absolutely zero clue on how to do this.”
I nod.
“I know you said you aren’t interested in us , but I’d like to take you to dinner tonight—you and Kaia—and let you get reacquainted with everyone.”
“Who is everyone?” I ask hesitantly. The idea of being around crowds after not having a social life for so long creates a mix of excitement and nerves.
“Kelsey and Jace. I guess you’ve already met Jett, but my buddy Noah will be there, too. Reece may duck in, but you’re more likely to see him out here somewhere. He’s Dec’s right hand and Jett’s older brother.”
“Gotta warn you, my moods haven’t been the best lately. Not sure I’ll be good company.”
“Well, we need to talk anyway. So, what do you say we do that now, then swing back by to grab Kaia before getting together with everyone. Then I can talk you into the family dinner that my mom demands we all attend tomorrow night.”
“Um, excuse me. What?” I probably look like a deer caught in headlights, but I can’t have heard him correctly.
He nods. “Yeah, funny story. She was at the café earlier, met Kaia, and said we all better be at her house tomorrow night to eat. Not sure about you, but I’m not a fan of telling that woman no.”
My gut reaction is to tell him no, consequences be damned.
Not because I don’t want his parents to spend time with their granddaughter, but because that house was always a safe space for me.
Mr. and Mrs. Flynn were like a second set of parents after I lost my dad and got stuck with the woman who birthed me.
They made sure I was clean, full, and aware that their door was always open.
My reaction to say no stems from the fear of seeing the disappointment etched on their faces.
Because what could be more disappointing than disappearing for ten years without so much as a phone call?
Turning up with their son’s secret love child. That’s what.
“Where’s your head at, sunshine?”
“In the clouds where it belongs,” I mumble without thinking. The little smirk on his face is the first clue that I’m busted. “No fair. You did that on purpose.”
He shrugs. “Wanted to see if it was still your reflexive answer.”
“Duh. Of course it is. Has been since we were kids.”
He takes a step forward, hand reaching hesitantly.
His fingers graze mine but don’t take hold.
“Seriously, Leila Grace. Where’s your head?
” The look in his midnight eyes has me wanting to melt, to go back to how things were and bare my soul to the man in front of me.
To let him take care of me, wash away every bad thought.
But I can’t. I refuse to be weak. I’m here for our daughter. Not for me. The love we had for each other is gone, irreparable.
Taking a step back, I pull myself together. Drew’s lips turn down at the move, but he doesn’t call me out on it.
“I’m sure your mother is disappointed in me,” I finally mumble, looking anywhere but at him.
“My mother loves and misses you. She’s irritated with me for not being there, but she has zero ill will toward you. She still thinks of you as her daughter,” he says, slipping his hands into his pockets and leaning against the stall, one boot crossed over the other.
Why is that so attractive?
“I’ll get on my knees and beg if that’s what it takes, sunshine.”
I sigh as I shake my head. “Will there at least be banana pudding?”
The grin that takes over Drew’s face is infinitely more dangerous than anything else in my life right now. He looks every bit the cowboy he is but without the stress and turmoil of the last year.
Is it wrong that I want to keep that look on his face?
“Banana pudding and groveling will be added to the menu. I’ll make sure of it.”
“Now, wait just a minute. I didn’t say anything about groveling.”
“No, but it’s necessary. I have my work cut out for me, but I’m willing to find out where this goes. Are you?”
Am I? Or am I already getting in way over my head with a certain blue-eyed boy who still makes my heart go boom?