9. Leila
Leila
B y the time I get back to Kaia, it’s been hours, the longest I’ve been away since she was born, and the pure need to have her back in my arms can’t be described.
I probably look like a madwoman holding a newborn hostage with how tightly I have her wrapped against my chest, but I don’t care.
Risking a glance up at Kelsey and Drew, I sigh in relief when there isn’t judgment on their faces.
“She was good?” I ask Kelsey, hoping Kaia wasn’t too fussy for her.
“Slept like an angel,” she says with a smile. “Auntie Kelsey will keep her any time you need. I think Jett liked having her around, too.”
Drew snorts. “She had Kaia tucked pretty close when I was in here earlier. Safe to say she may end up with baby fever.”
“Noah would be thrilled, but Jett’s more the ‘borrow and return’ type. She likes her freedom.”
I huff. “Yeah, she definitely doesn’t want a little one, then. I wouldn’t trade this one for the world, but I haven’t slept more than two hours at a time since the first trimester. And today’s the first time I’ve left her for more than an hour or two.”
I try to ignore the look of concern on Drew’s face as he takes in my statement. It’s true, though. Sleep doesn’t come easily for me. Between the nightmares, paranoia that something will happen to Kaia while I sleep, and her eating every two or three hours, REM sleep doesn’t exist in my life.
“I’ll leave the play pen up in the office, so she’s free to come play whenever you need a break,” she says as she wraps her arms around me in a hug, careful not to jostle Kaia.
“Love you, Kels,” I whisper tearfully.
“Our brave girl,” she whispers back. “Try to trust him, yeah?”
I nod into her shoulder, knowing she means Drew.
As I strap Kaia into her infant carrier, Drew gathers her bag and blanket before slipping the carrier from my hands as well.
“I can carry her,” I say, but it sounds much poutier than I meant for it to.
“I know,” he says before starting for the door.
I glance at Kelsey for help, but she just grins. “Let him help. You know he’s a good man, through and through. He already loves that little girl. You should’ve seen him showing her off to his mama and anyone else who came through that door earlier.”
A soft smile lifts my lips, but I can’t help the caution I still feel in my gut. “I’ve never questioned if he’d be a good father or not. Kaia will always have his heart.”
It’s mine I’m worried about.
When I get to Drew’s truck, I can’t stop the giggle that slips out. He’s staring at the seatbelt like it’s a snake about to strike as he tries to strap in the carrier.
“Need some help?” I ask.
He jumps, smacking his ballcap-covered head against the truck roof.
I wince in sympathy. “Are you okay?”
“How the hell does this thing strap in? It can’t be as complicated as I’m making it.”
I grip his hip while gently pushing him out of the way, my fingers not lingering once he shifts to the side, before I quickly buckle the carrier into the middle seat. “It’s easier in Gavin’s vehicle. We just have a base that it clicks into.”
“Can you send me the link? I’ll get one that can stay in the truck.”
I keep my face turned away so he can’t see the effect of his words. I’m melting for this man all over, and it is terrifying.
“Leila,” Drew rumbles, breaking me from my thoughts.
“Hmm?”
“You’re spacing. All good?”
“Oh. Yeah. Just finding some of this more challenging than I expected.”
“If this is about the car seat, I’m sorry if I overstepped—”
“No. It’s a good idea. A great one, really. My hormones just have my emotions all over the place.” Staring out the window as we drive the few miles down to Gavin’s, I try to sort through my thoughts. “I think it was relief. You just rolled with it.”
As we pull into the drive, Drew puts the truck in park and turns to me, taking my hands in his. “I’m in, Leila. As much in as you’ll let me be.”
The conversation pauses as Drew unbuckles Kaia’s carrier and loops his arm through the handle before grabbing her bag and walking up the drive to the front porch. I’m slow to get out of the truck, my gaze stuck on the sight before me.
From his hat to his boots and a baby on his arm, the man is sexy. He doesn’t even struggle with the awkward weight of the carrier, but it’s probably lighter than the hay bales he’s used to slinging. Shirtless and sweaty. Muscles rippling as he goes.
Reel it in, Leila Grace. Sheesh.
Quickening my steps, I slip in front of Drew and open the front door.
“You can set her carrier in the living room. I’m gonna change really quick.”
I snag the first shirt I find and swap it with the sweat-soaked one I’m wearing.
This damn humidity is killing me. So are my boobs.
By the time I slip back into the living room to convince Kaia to eat, Drew is on the couch with her cuddled into his chest, her little blue eyes blinking up at him. He’s just as enraptured by her.
“Hate to interrupt the bonding time, but I need to nurse her.”
He startles. “Oh, yeah.” He shifts forward to ease the transition.
“It won’t bother you if I feed her out here, will it?”
“Don’t worry about me, Leila. You do what you need to.”
“Just making sure. Don’t want to make you uncomfortable.”
He stretches tall, studying me like he’s ready to take on the world. “Has someone made you feel guilty for feeding our daughter?”
“Well, no,” I hesitate. “It’s just, breastfeeding requires, you know. Breasts. I didn’t want to just whip them out and you panic.”
“Leila Grace, I need you to look at me and listen very carefully.”
I do.
“You are providing nourishment to our daughter with your body. Not every woman can, and not every woman wants to. But you’ve chosen to. If anyone gives you shit for it, you knee them in the balls then let me know so that I can lay them out, too. Got me?”
“Yes, sir,” I say before I can stop myself.
He huffs a breath and looks away, but I still catch the way his cheeks redden, the way his pupils dilate. Clearing his throat, he shifts to the conversation we need to have while I settle in the recliner.
Kaia eagerly latches on as soon as I offer her a nipple, and when I look up, I’m surprised to find Drew studying my face. I figured his eyes would be on the exposed breast, but of course he’s too good of a guy to look where he shouldn’t.
“I know I’ve said it, but I’m sorry for not being there for any of this.”
“I know you are.”
“I didn’t listen to your voicemails until the other morning. Or read your texts. I told myself it was for the best.” He pauses for a second, as if to gather his thoughts. “I was…not in the best mental state right after everything happened.”
“I know, it’s—”
“Let me finish. Please,” he says, cutting me off.
“I’d already worked it out with my dad to come back up.
He gave me a long weekend. You sent me a text, worrying about how to tell Gavin that we’d been sneaking around under his nose for years.
Then I started worrying, scared you’d decide it wasn’t worth the trouble. That I wasn’t worth the trouble.”
“Drew, no,” I whisper.
“Then I made stupid choices that should’ve cost me my life and almost cost a perfectly good horse his. Then I ignored you. Left you on your own when you needed me.”
“Gavin wanted to tell Declan, but I didn’t want to pressure you into this.
You didn’t ask for this responsibility,” I say, nodding down at Kaia.
“I considered all the options in depth and knew I couldn’t live with myself if I wasn’t the one raising her.
Even if I had to do it alone.” I look up at Drew and offer a watery smile.
“Would it have been easier if you’d been at appointments with me or in the delivery room or helping during the nights since she’s been born?
Sure. But I honestly wasn’t sure if you’d checked your messages or if you—” I cut myself off, because, in my gut, I know the thoughts I had about why he never called or showed up weren’t accurate.
Still, Drew keys into my thoughts, his entire body sagging in defeat.
“I will never stop apologizing for missing so much time. But, Leila, hear me when I say this. I would have been there if I had known. And now that I do? She’ll never know a day without me again.”
I nod, unable to form the words I want to say. I shouldn’t need to hear those words out loud, but relief soars through me anyway.
“Did Gavin at least go with you?” he asks. “I hate to think you had to do anything by yourself.”
“Yeah, he’s been there for everything. The dude’s a freakin’ saint, Drew. He has to be tired of me.” Sighing, I lean my head back and stare at the ceiling fan as it slowly spins. I rub at my eyes, hoping like hell the moisture gathering doesn’t leak over. I’m exhausted.
“What can I do, right now, to lighten the load for you?”
I choke on a wet laugh, silently apologizing to Kaia as I displace her suction. Helping her relatch, I look back at Drew, expecting to see…I don’t know what.
Shaking my head, I shrug one shoulder before letting it drop heavily.
Words don’t come as emotions threaten to spill over.
Without a word, Drew is up and dropping to his knees before me.
His fingers wrap around my calves, squeezing lightly as he looks up at me through thick lashes.
I suck a breath as his deep blues stare through my defenses.
“What are you doing?” I whisper, the words so quiet he probably wouldn’t hear them if he wasn’t this close.
His eyes flick to our daughter as she pops off of me. “Will she nap for a while?”
“In theory, if I can transfer her without waking her.”
“Does she have somewhere other than your room?”
“The nursery is set up. We just don’t really use it much yet. Why?”
“Go lay her down in there then come back out here,” he says softly, giving another squeeze to my legs before standing and offering me a hand.
“Drew.”
“Don’t argue, sunshine.” The set of his jaw and the determination in his gaze stop me from saying anything more as I stand and do as he says.
Kaia wiggles a little but settles once I tuck a light blanket around her hips.
I’m sure she’ll kick it off in no time, but it always makes her feel secure during her naps since she isn’t swaddled.
“She settled?” Drew asks as I walk back to him.
I lift the hand with the monitor in it to show him that she’s peacefully sleeping.
He nods, pulling me into his arms and dropping a kiss on my forehead. “Now, you’re going to go take a hot shower or a bath and not worry about her,” he says, slipping the monitor from my fingers.