Chapter 26
CHAPTER TWENTY-SIX
Bray
“On your left, on your left!” Kasen yells into the speaker on his headphones.
It’s game night at his place. Piper is over at her aunt’s apartment across the hall.
Hutch is sitting in one of the armchairs, checking his cameras for any updates on the flower mystery.
Gray is watching Kasen play and listening to Fletcher explain how they ended up staying at a castle all by themselves for two nights on their honeymoon.
“So, like, you used all the rooms?” Hutch asks without looking away from his phone.
“Dude,” Gray says.
Fletcher laughs. “I don’t kiss and tell, fucker.”
Hutch chuckles.
Kasen is talking to one of his former military friends as he plays the game. Normally, one of us is on another computer in the guest room playing alongside Kasen, but everyone seems preoccupied tonight.
“Why aren’t you playing?” Fletcher asks me.
“I don’t want to get too invested before I leave for work,” I lie.
Gray gives me a pointed look.
“Hutch, why don’t you just call all the florist shops in the neighborhood?” Fletcher asks. “I mean, the flowers have to come from somewhere.”
“Already did. There are only three of them right here. And I’m not sure why one from across town would bother,” Hutch says as he looks up from his screen.
“Plus, someone could buy them somewhere else and leave them there. Maybe they do it on their way to work or on their way home or something,” he adds.
“You aren’t giving up, are you?” I ask.
He shakes his head. “I might move the camera. But I’m not giving up, yet.”
Something about that makes me happy. We’ve all spent so much time trying to figure out that mystery; it’d be a shame to give up on it now. But by far, Hutch has been the most devoted to finding the Guardian of Hearts Lane Park. And I, for one, hope he finds the person.
Hutch glances over at me. “So…how’s Carly?” he asks with a smirk.
Everyone turns to look at me. Fuck, guess the cat’s out of the bag. I haven’t exactly talked to them all yet, and Carly and I have sort of been downplaying things. But I could use their input.
“She’s fine,” I start. I look around and can tell I have no choice but to explain everything.
“We’ve been…testing the relationship waters,” I admit, the words coming out in a rush.
“I fucking knew it. You owe me a hundred,” Kasen says to Hutch.
I glare at him. “What? I knew it,” he mumbles as he looks back at the screen as if he’s playing the game still, but I can tell he’s not since the music is on telling me he’s checking his stats.
“So…what does that entail, exactly?” Kasen asks.
“We sort of…kissed and then slept together in Italy,” I say. “And we’ve been sleeping together ever since we got back.”
Kasen fist-pumps. “I fucking knew it. Pay up, asswipe,” Kasen says to Hutch and makes a motion for him to give him something.
Hutch reaches into his pocket and pulls out his money clip for the second time in a minute. He gives Kasen an additional one hundred dollars.
I groan. “Seriously?”
Hutch shrugs. “I mean. I really thought maybe you two were taking it slower, but I guess Kase was right.”
“I…thought we would too, but, fuck, I don’t know.
I love Carly. I’ve loved Carly for years now.
And then when we kissed…this sounds so fucking cheesy, but something changed.
I’m scared as fuck to lose her,” I ramble as I try to explain how I feel.
The guys talk about relationship stuff, but not a lot.
It feels awkward sharing all this with them, but there’s no way my brother or dad would understand.
And Lanie’s great, but she can only give me the female perspective.
Gray comes over and sits down next to me. “Why are you so scared? It sounds like things are going great.”
I let out a long breath that I didn’t realize I’d been holding. “I haven’t really had a relationship that’s lasted longer than a few months. It’s my own fault. I always end things because I have some irrational fears from childhood,” I explain.
Gray studies me. He knows about Lanie. “Is it because of your friend who was sick when you were kids?”
I nod. “I know, it was forever ago. And she’s fine now. But it really fucked me up. I don’t think I realized how badly it did until recently. And I’m just afraid I’ll either pull away out of fear and ruin things, or something really will happen to her.
“I also don’t want to ruin our friendship. She’s one of my best friends,” I add.
Hutch leans his elbows on his knees and looks at me while Fletcher purses his lips as if considering what to say. Kasen just gives me a pointed look.
“Mate, love is loss. What’s that saying…something like uh, grief is the price we pay for love,” Kasen says.
“What if I don’t want the grief?” I ask.
“I hate to break it to you, but you can’t really have one without the other,” Fletcher states.
“Not helping. I don’t want to hear that,” I grumble.
Kasen throws his hands in the air. “You love a beautiful woman with an awesome kid, and she obviously loves you back. You hit the motherfucking jackpot. Work through your shit. Get a fucking therapist or something. And be thankful for what you have,” he says sternly.
I look to Gray, and he shrugs his agreement. “Kasen’s right. Carly is amazing. And Ava is the coolest kid that I’ve ever met.”
They aren’t wrong. Everything they say is right, and I think that scares me even more.
“But what if, like, I fuck it up?” I grumble, feeling more like a petulant child than an adult. Why do my friends have to make sense? Why can’t I just accept that I love this woman?
All my friends bust out laughing.
“What?” I ask them.
“Dude, I don’t think a single one of us doesn’t worry that we might fuck things up, at least once in a while.
Relationships are scary. You’re giving yourself over to someone.
Handing them your heart and hoping they don’t squash it.
That shit is seriously scary. But in return, they can give you the whole damn world,” Hutch says.
“Damn, Hutch. You’re a fucking poet,” Gray says with a smirk.
Hutch flicks him off, and the others laugh.
“Why are you two sneaking around anyhow?” Fletcher asks.
“I…I mean, we…wanted to just make sure, and we didn’t want Ava to know yet.” I stumble over my explanation.
“I can understand the Ava thing, but why us? I mean, we’re all like family,” Hutch says.
“I don’t know.” I pause. “Honestly?” I ask.
“No, lie to us, fucker,” Kasen says deadpan.
I roll my eyes. “I think telling you all makes it real and that scared the fuck out of me.”
“You need to get over these crazy fears. Make this thing official. Tell her you love her and lock that shit down or you’re going to lose her for real,” Gray says.
And his words hit me hard. Now I’m beginning to have an irrational fear of fucking things up and losing her in addition to just losing her.
“For the love of God, call my therapist,” Kasen states. I helped him get the therapist, but I know the guy and it’s too weird, so I called a different therapist.
“I already called a therapist,” I state. Kasen raises an eyebrow and I roll my eyes.
“You need to seriously think about telling her your true feelings. Carly’s been through a lot. I don’t know exactly what happened with her ex, but it can’t have been good if he’s completely out of their lives. And plus, just being a single mom in general is tough,” Kasen says.
“I know. I’ll work on it,” I say, suddenly feeling nervous. I’ve never once told a woman I loved her, not like that anyhow. What if she doesn’t actually love me? What if I say it and she doesn’t say it back? What if I say it and then she says she can’t do this anymore?
“Get out of your head, Bray. She loves you,” Gray says, pulling me from my inner thoughts.
“God, I hope so,” I mumble.
Gray claps me on the back. “I’d bet my cello on it.”
I stand and stretch. “I've got to go. Thanks for the pep talk, fuckers.”
“We charge by the hour,” Hutch teases.
I glare at him, and he puts his hands up defensively. “We accept payment in beer,” he adds with a smirk.
“Good beer,” Kasen interjects.
“Noted. I’ll bring the beer next week,” I say as I walk toward the door.
“Just remember, she needs someone who can be there for her. You’ve already been that person. She definitely loves you,” Gray says as I leave.
His words ricochet in my head as I walk the few blocks to the hospital. Does she definitely love me? How could he possibly know that? And what if she doesn’t?