Dear Diary
Only when I’m at school with Killian do I feel like everything is going to be okay because he calms me.
I don’t know how but just sitting close to him has turned into something I need every day.
Not sure that’s okay. Without him, I’m a complete mess, like the ocean at night in the middle of a thunderstorm.
Killian wasn’t at school yesterday, so I was in a very bad mood.
He’s been sick often lately. I wanted to punch everyone in the face, especially when the other students teased me about missing him.
I ignored them for as long as I could, then Sophie wouldn’t stop.
No matter how many times I told her to, she didn’t, so I naturally waited for the opportunity to take my revenge.
I watched her and stayed close. After class ended, she went to the bathroom, and I followed her.
When she placed her hand on the frame of the bathroom stall, I slammed the door so her hand would get smashed by it.
She screamed, but before she could even remove it, I slammed it again.
I asked her if she wanted me to stop, and of course, in between the annoying loud crying, she said yes.
I kept the door open so she could remove her hand and asked if she knew what the word “stop” meant.
She nodded. I was about to walk away, given that I had made my point clear, but then a rush of urine came down her thighs and pooled on the floor beneath her, soaking her socks and shoes.
The look on her face … She was as red as a tomato, and the tears wetting her face had pasted her hair to her cheeks.
Why did I enjoy that so much? She was already a mess, but then with the pee …
I mean, at first, I was shocked, but then I couldn’t stop laughing at how much I’d humiliated her after she’d teased me all day.
Sigh … I knew I’d get in trouble for it.
Daddy and I got called into the principal’s office when he was dropping me off.
Of course, in the principal’s office I denied knowing what Sophie had accused me of, but from the way Daddy was looking at me, I knew Daddy could see through me.
So, when we got home, I was expecting to be punished, but instead, we just had a talk.
And for once, I was honest. Dad’s shocked expression stayed for a little too long.
But then, when I told him how ugly and helpless Sophie looked, he chuckled too. It made me feel closer to him.
A weight lifted from my shoulders when Daddy didn’t chastise me about morals and taking shit from idiots.
I had been wrong. He did understand me. When I asked him if Mom would understand too, he shook his head.
“We are different, Magdalena. But that means we have to be extra careful. Not everyone can handle our darkness and not everyone deserves to be exposed to it.”
It made me feel like I wasn’t the odd one out anymore. Maybe all these negative thoughts I had weren’t that rare. Like the other day when the twins woke each other up, crying, and I fantasized about tying them to the bed and setting them on fire.
After I told Daddy how much I’d enjoyed hurting Sophie, and opened up to him about my dark thoughts, he asked me to answer him a riddle.
If a man’s car crashes in the middle of an isolated road, and he’s stuck upside down inside the car, and another stops and tells him he will be right back but never returns … Why did the man never return?
It was an interesting riddle. I suspected I knew what he wanted me to say, but I said, “Honestly, Daddy, it’s obvious the second man didn’t care.”
“So why did he stop?”
“Curiosity. It’s always interesting to see people when they do something stupid and get themselves in a pickle.”
He asked me if I would laugh at Killian if he were in a pickle, so I told him, “I know you don’t like Killian, but he is mine, so no, I don’t find his pain funny.
” Dad nodded at that. He told me to pretend that everyone had a little bit of Killian in them, so I had to be nicer to everyone than I had been to Sophie even when they annoyed me. I told him I understood.
Magdalena (10 years old)