4. Chapter 4
My sister, Kaylee, and I have always been really close. I love that even now that she is married with a kid, I am able to head to her house for dinner when I don”t want to cook. A few times a week after work, she will invite me to stop by, have dinner, and then load me up with leftovers to take home so that I”m able to warm something up when I am not eating with them.
Since I”ve been home from college, it’s become our routine. I absolutely love it. And spending time with my niece and brother-in-law is always a plus. Because, let”s be honest, they are some of my favorite people.
When I step up on my sister’s front porch and knock on the door, I’m excited when I can smell her meatloaf. My brother-in-law, Brian answers the door and rolls his eyes when he sees me. He has on his reading glasses, indicates to me he was probably answering some last-minute work emails.
“How many times do we have to tell you that you are family and you do not need to knock? You come over here enough to have family privileges.” Even though he says it in a playful way, his tone is totally serious.
“No thanks. I”ll knock because just the thought of walking in on something I shouldn”t is enough to traumatize me forever.” I give him a hug and walk past him into the kitchen, where I know I’ll find my sister.
I”ve read multiple books where one person walks into the house without knocking, and the couple is having fun time, and they see something they wish they hadn”t. I”m not going to be one of those people, especially with my sister. So even though my logical brain says she”s cooking dinner, and my niece is home, I”m still just not going to risk it.
“Is Brian still trying to convince you that you don”t have to knock when you get here?” my sister asks, stopping what she”s doing and giving me a hug when I walk into the kitchen.
“He”s trying, but it”s never going to happen. You read the books, I do, so you understand,” I say.
Brian laughs as he comes into the kitchen, shaking his head.
“Where is Liz?” I ask about my niece because I really want to talk to my sister, but this is not the kind of talk my six-year-old niece needs to be involved in.
“She”s in her room doing her homework. Is everything okay?” my sister asks as I sit down on the kitchen island.
“Well, I met one of the Oakside patients today. He and I sat and talked for a little while. I had never met him before, but there was just this connection that I can”t describe.”
Her face lights up. “That is exactly how I felt when I met Brian. There was just this unmistakable connection, and it felt like I had been missing it in my life the whole time. I woke up that morning not knowing I was missing it, and then, by that evening, it felt like the other half of my soul had been found. So, tell me all about him.” Her smile is growing even larger than I thought possible.
“Well, he”s a Navy SEAL, but he thinks that he”s going to be medically discharged because he lost his hearing. We were communicating via the tablet that they had given him. Though he is thirty-five, so there”s a little age gap there. We sat and talked for over an hour. Then he asked about my paintings and looked at my sketchbook...”
“Wait, wait, wait! You let him look at your sketchbook?”
“Yeah, he asked, and all I heard was my professor”s voice in the back of my head saying how I need to be more open with my art,” I say.
“But I”ve been asking for years, and you still won”t let me look at it,” she says, giving me puppy-dog eyes.
“Because you”re my sister. It’s different. I have to look at you every day, and if you hated it, then I don”t know how that would affect our relationship.”
“I love your paintings. Why would I hate the stuff in your sketches?”
“Because there is a difference. But you”re getting off-topic here. He”s thirty-five and a patient at Oakside. I feel like there are so many things indicating that this can”t happen.”
I’m trying to get back to the point, yet I’m distracted by her at the same time.
“Who says it can”t happen? The age gap is nothing especially because age is just a number. You can learn ASL, as I”m sure he will be. Then you’ll be able to communicate with him.” She turns back to dinner, acting like it’s nothing that I just told her about possibly meeting the man of my dreams.
“You should do it, Aunt Carlee. It”s really easy. I learned ASL because one of the girls in my after-school group is deaf, and I wanted to be her friend. Now we talk all the time, and it”s like our secret language. The teacher even asks me to translate because I”m better than she is at it.” My niece informs me as she comes bouncing down the stairs.
“Mom, is dinner ready? I”m starving.”
“Yep, why don”t you help me set the table?” My sister says, giving me a look, telling me that this conversation is not over just because my niece walked into the room. I know that as soon as dinner is over, she”s going to pull me away and continue to interrogate me.
All throughout dinner, I”m thinking about what my sister said. None of the objections I had are really a reason that we can”t be together. That”s when I realize it was my mother”s voice in my head. She”s going to think he”s too old and not the right one to have children with and get married. But since I can”t have kids, that shouldn”t even be a consideration.
The problem is, I haven”t told anyone, making it hard to talk this out with my sister or any of my family. I really need to make a friend and spill it all out and get an outside opinion on all of this. Though I did not leave college with many close friends because I wanted to keep my head down and stay out of the drama.
I can”t ignore that there”s something urging me I need to open up about this to my sister. The real reason that I haven”t told her yet is I”m worried she”s going to tell our mom. But surely she won’t do that until I”m ready.
After dinner, just as I thought, she leaves Brian and Liz to do the dishes. Then she pulls me to her bedroom at the back of the house, closes the door, and flops down on her bed.
“Okay, tell me more. There”s something I can tell you”re not telling me,” she says.
The guilt hits me, so I feel like the time is right to talk to her. “Okay, I”m going to tell you something, but please don”t be mad. Just know that I”ve been processing and dealing with this. You have to promise before you even know what I’m going to tell you that you won’t say anything to Mom. Right now, I”m not ready to have this conversation with her.”
My sister sits up instantly, her smile gone and her face serious as she stares at me.
“I swear. But now you”re scaring me. Is everything okay?”
Walking over to her, I sit down next to her. I don’t think I can look her in the eye when I say this.
“Remember the car accident that I was in? The one where you guys didn”t know about until I was leaving the hospital?”
“Yeah, I think the best thing you ever did was dump that guy,” my sister says.
To say she was ready to kill my ex for not calling them is an understatement.
“The accident was more serious than I let on to you all. While I was in emergency surgery, I’m not sure what exactly happened, but a part of the tree was lodged in me. To save my life, they had to remove my uterus, which means I can no longer have children. The dumbass broke up with me because I would not be able to give him kids.” I cringe, waiting for my sister”s reaction.
I don”t know what I expected. Yelling, screeching, several ‘oh my gods’ maybe. Instead, her arms wrap around me, and she holds me tight. I don”t know if this hug is because she thinks I need it or because she needs it, so I wrap my arms around her, and we don”t move.
This is how her husband finds us several minutes later when he comes in asking if we want dessert.
“We”re going to need a pint of chocolate ice cream,” my sister says, and you can hear the tears and emotion in her voice.
She looks at her husband over my shoulder, and they seem to have one of those silent married couple conversations. He doesn”t ask any questions as he heads back to the kitchen, I”m sure, to get ice cream spoons.
“I am so sorry that you are dealing with this, and I understand that you had to have to have time to process. I”m not upset that you haven”t told me before now, but I wish I had been there at the hospital for you. And I promise I won”t tell Mom. Though, you know it would get her off your back about having kids.”
“Mom thinks all I”m good for is having children. What the heck is she going to think if I can”t have them? She going to start forcing me to be a foster parent so I can adopt, or I don”t even want to know what she’ll come up with. Eventually, I know I’ll have to deal with her whole ‘You need have kids’ speech. For now, I just need it to be like this because I don”t think I”ve fully processed all of it yet. And since I’ve just met Zane, I don”t even know what to think, but less to say. This is a big reason why I have not dated.”
“Well, make sure that you”re honest and open with him. That”s all you can do when you”re dating is to be honest and open. The right guy won”t care.”
“I told him I couldn”t have kids and a little about the accident. Which is really weird because he was the first person that I”ve told, and he was a complete stranger. It was so out of character for me. But he still wants to see me again tomorrow, so I didn”t send him running. I”m guessing that”s a good sign.”
“That”s the best sign. I know you”ve always wanted to be a mom, but adoption is always on the table. Just make sure that you do it for yourself and not because Mom”s pushing you or because you feel like you have to keep a guy in your life.”
It’s right then that Brian walks in with the ice cream, two spoons, a box of tissues, and some chocolate candy.
“I”ll put Liz to bed tonight. You two have it out, and you know you”re welcome to crash on the couch if you need to,” he says to me.
“Why can’t you have a brother for me?” I ask, only half joking.
“Because I was destined to be an only child,” he laughs, as he leaves the room.
“So romantic comedy?” my sister asked, referring to the movie we”re going to watch.
This is our thing. We get situated in the bed, crack open the ice cream, and put on some cheesy romantic comedy movie that we”ve seen a million times and don”t have to pay attention to as we randomly talk and eat.
I didn”t realize how badly I needed this and how soothing to my soul it is.