17. Chapter 17
Until I laid down in bed, I didn”t realize how badly I needed that break. I was asleep as soon as I hit the pillow, which is never something that happens for me. When I check the time, it”s just after twelve, so I get up. Then I take a nice hot shower, washing my hair and scrubbing every inch of my body and even shave, something I haven”t done all week.
I dress in something more flattering than the shorts and shirt I went to bed in and go to find Zane. The house is quiet and I don”t want to sneak up on him and scare him. But when I get to the living room, I see it”s cleaned up, so I walk into the kitchen and he”s standing at the table folding towels. He”s not only done laundry, but he”s cleaned the kitchen too and even has dinner going.
He has checked off everything on my to do list other than work on the painting I need to finish.
You did all this?I ask, shocked. I was ready to wake up and get it done before Liz got home.
Yes. Now let”s have some lunch and then you can go paint.Sit down, he nods toward the opposite end of the table. Then after pulling everything out to make sandwiches, he makes us both one and gets some chips from the panty. He sets the plates on the table and gets us both a glass of water.
I”ve never felt so pampered in my life.
Thank you,I say as he sets the water down and then kisses the top of my head before sitting down with me to eat.
Once we are done, he is the first up to grab the plates and takes them to the sink.
When does Liz get home?he asks.
She takes the bus and gets dropped off at the driveway just after three fifteen.
That is just over two hours away. Go paint, he says, kissing my temple and pushing me toward the third bedroom that I’ve turned into my studio.
Once in my studio, I sit in front of my current painting, but my mind starts racing. He”s been here and in a few hours has helped out more than anyone else in my life. Yes, my mom has been over to visit and see Liz. But she hasn”t lifted a finger to help. I get she is grieving the loss of a child, and not just any child, but her favorite child.
My dad took time and mowed my yard, but that was it. While it was helpful, I really need help inside.
So even though I should be painting, I sit, staring and process everything he”s done for me. Finally, I start painting, getting lost in my art and tune everything out. So later, when Zane walks in, I jump.
Liz will be home in about twenty minutes. I thought you might want to clean up.
I look at the clock, shocked so much time has gone by.
Putting things away, I wash up and go to the living room where Zane is and walk right into his arms.
Thank you for today.I tell him.
I”d have been here sooner if I knew.He leans down to kiss me. But his lips aren”t on mine for more than a second, before the front door bursts open and Liz walks in. When she sees Zane, she freezes.
I speak to her and sign so Zane is in the conversation too.
Liz, this is Zane. Zane, my niece, Liz. He came over to help me out today. He is deaf.
Picking right up, she signs as she talks.
Is he the one you wanted to learn sign language for?
Yes.
Very nice to meet you, Liz. I didn”t know you knew sign, Zane says.
A girl in my after school class is deaf, and I wanted to be her friend so I learned.”
I notice that Liz grins big at Zane. So far, so good. Then, she goes right to the kitchen, setting her stuff down at the table, she rifles through the kitchen cabinets.
She will have a snack then do her homework. I tell Zane before we walk into the kitchen.
Zane sits down next to Liz as she pulls out her homework.
What do you have for homework?
Math. I hate math, she sighs.
Well, it just so happens Math was my best subject,Zane says.
While he helps her with her homework, I finish making some sides and bread to go with dinner. Things have been very sad around here, but for the first time since my sister died I hear my niece giggle at something Zane said and it heals my heart just a little.
He”s smiling and they seem to be getting along really well. I start to picture this as a regular thing, being able to have it every night. I want it so much my heart aches. But I also don”t want to ever push Zane into a choice he may not have wanted.
He has admitted he didn”t want kids and I couldn”t live with myself if I changed his mind because he didn”t want to lose me, but then later regretted it and walked away. I need to protect not just my heart, but now also Liz”s.
Once she finishes her homework, she runs off to play in her room while I finish dinner.
She is a smart kid. Even though she doesn”t like math, she is good at it,Zane says.
I think she is throwing herself into school since the accident.
Over dinner, we talk about her day at school and she asks more about me and Zane. In order to get to know each other better, Zane asks questions. Then he cleans up the kitchen while I join Liz in her room.
“What do you think of Zane?” I ask her once we are alone.
“I really like him. He looks at you like dad looks at Mom.” Then she pauses and tears well up in her eyes. “Looked at Mom,” she, bursts into tears.
I pull her into a hug and just let her cry. That is how Zane finds us later on. When he wraps us both up in a hug, that’s what seems to be what helps her calm down.
I”m sorry,she says.
You don”t ever have to be sorry for missing your parents. The love you have for them will never go away. You will always miss them, but you will learn how to cope. I”ve lost people in my life and I still miss them, but the sadness goes away and the memories keep them with me, Zane says.
“I agree baby. I miss them too. So much. It”s still so new and it”s going to hit you at the weirdest time. Lean into your grief. It”s how we will heal. Eventually, it won”t make you as sad when you think of them. But until then, it”s perfectly normal and you don”t ever have to apologize for it. Especially here.” I sign while speaking.
Is it okay if I get ready for bed now? I”m really tired,” she asks.
“Of course.”
When she goes to take a shower, Zane and I sit in the living room.
Once on the couch, Zane pulls me into his arms like he knew I”d need his strength. And I do. I let my wall down because what she said hits me hard. Zane looks at me like Brian did to my sister. I always loved my sister”s relationship. You could tell how much Brian loved her and I know that look because I saw it on his face so often.
To know I won”t ever see him looking at my sister like that again, and to know I will never get to witness their silly flirting and see them sneak kisses when they think no one is looking, makes me sad and angry that their lives were cut so short.
I don”t know how long we sit in each other”s arms when Liz comes out to give me a hug and kiss before bed. But then she surprises us both and hugs Zane.
Will you be back tomorrow?
Do you want me to be?
She stops and thinks about it for a minute.
Yes, I like you being here.
I stay silent, waiting to see what Zane says. Though I couldn”t agree more with her.
Then I will be here.
Liz smiles happily, and I’m happy that Liz feels the same as me.
Then it’s time to get her tucked into bed. I decide to skip story time tonight because she is fighting to keep her eyes open.
When I get back to the living room, Zane is standing.
Noah is on his way. I don”t want to leave but I have to. Do you want me to come back?he asks.
After Liz goes to school tomorrow, I will have Art Therapy at Oakside. Maybe you can come home with me after?
I”d love that. Also, can I get your number? He holds up a phone.
Taking it, I enter my name and number as the lights from Noah’s car fill the driveway.
Zane leans in and kisses me. We both want that kiss to last longer, but we don”t want to keep Noah waiting either.
Tomorrow. He says with a huge smile and I nod.
Yes, tomorrow will definitely change things.