18. Chapter 18
As I stand in my living room window and watch Zane and Noah leave, the house suddenly feels empty. With Zane here, I felt strong and everything hurt less to have him by my side, to know I wasn”t alone in this. Now I’m back to having to be the strong one.
When I go to check in on Liz and peek my head in, I expect her to be asleep. So when I see her staring back at me, I almost jump.
“Is he the one you were telling Mom and Dad about?” she says barely above a whisper.
“Yeah he is,” I say, walking into the room, leaving the lights off, and sitting on the edge of her bed.
“Did she ever meet him?”
Her voice is wobbly, so I reach out and take her hand.
“No, they didn”t get to.” I’m unable to keep the emotion from my voice.
“I think they would have liked him. I really like him,” she says.
“So you wouldn”t mind if he came around the house more?” I want to make sure because she has had so much change and upheaval.
“I know you had a life before all this, I heard you and Mommy talk and I don’t expect you to put it on hold to raise me.”
Hearing her words, something in me snaps into place.
When Liz was born, Kaylee was so worried about being a mom that she had no idea what to do, that she”d say the wrong things and screw the kid up for life. She would cry about it long into the night.
The day Liz was born I was standing next to her at the hospital and she said it was like the missing Mom piece of her snapped into place and she knew she could do it. Well, I think my sister just gave me her Mom piece because suddenly I feel it and know I can handle this.
I lie down next to Liz and pull her in my arms. She rests her head on my shoulder.
“I”m going to tell you something, but you can”t tell Grandma and Grandpa. I haven”t told them and now isn”t the time to bring it up, okay?”
“I promise,” she nods her head.
“Your mom and dad were planners. Long before you were born, they talked about their will and made plans for what would happen to you if they died. When they had you, I was in high school, so in their first draft of the will you would go to Grandma and Grandpa if anything happened.”
“What changed?” she asks.
“Right after I turned eighteen, they asked me to come over. Even though they knew I had plans for school, they asked if anything were to happen, would I raise you. They said Grandma and Grandpa were getting older, along with a few other adult things.”
“Like they didn”t like how Grandma treats you.”
The way she said it was not a question. This must be something she heard her parents talk about.
“Sometimes, you are too smart for you own good. Yes, like that and how Grandpa lets her do it. So they changed their wills and made sure that I was your guardian.”
“And you said yes.”
“Well, I had some questions first.” I say wanting to be honest.
“Like what?”
“Well, what if I was still in college? They said Grandma and Grandpa could help. The big thing I was worried about was the money to raise you, since I was barely supporting myself. They said they would take care of it and make sure I had everything we’d need. After talking it out, I agreed. It was never that I didn”t want you, it was I wanted to make sure I could take care of you.”
“Do you have everything you need now?” she asks.
“Yes. But it leads to some questions I want you to think about, okay? They left me their house. It”s paid off thanks to the inheritance your dad got when his grandpa died. So if you want, we can live there. I can sell this place or rent it out. I”m not sure yet. Both would give us money. Or if you want to stay here, we have to figure out what to do with the other house. They also left some money in savings which will take care of you. I am working part time and selling my paintings, but I”m going to look for something full time. We are okay with money, and I need you to know that.”
“Would you be okay living in Mommy and Daddy”s house? I feel closer to them there,” she asks.
“It would be hard at first, but it”s where they wanted you to grow up and I know they would love to see you living there,” I tell her. “But don”t make up your mind right now, just think about it.”
“Okay,” she says softly.
“Now for the big part that you can”t tell Grandma and Grandpa. They knew all that, but this is what they don”t know.”
“What is it?”
“I can”t have kids. Do you know that car accident I was in that everyone talks about?”
“Yeah, I don”t know much, but I”ve heard everyone talking about it.”
“When I was in the accident, a tree branch was lodged in my belly.” I lift my shirt and show her my scars.
“They did emergency surgery, but to save my life, they had to remove my uterus. That”s the part of me that would hold a baby. So I can”t even have a kid. I want you to know that because I know you really wanted a little sister. But I also wanted kids more than anything. But getting to raise you is like getting my chance to be a mom. I know I will never replace your mom, and I”d give anything to have my sister back, but I want you here and I need you here too.” I hug her tight.
“Grandma and Grandpa don”t know you can’t have kids?”
“No. It took me a bit to process and come to terms with it. I told your parents about it not too long ago. Oh, and Zane knows. I was working up the courage to tell Grandma and Grandpa. You know how much Grandma is pushing for me to find someone and give her more grand babies, so I guess I”m just scared of her reaction.”
“Make sure Zane is there when you tell her. He will scare her into line,” Liz giggles.
“They haven”t met him yet either. Not that I”m hiding him, it”s just there hasn”t been an opportunity. I planned to introduce your parents to him when they got home. But I had already told your mom about him and she approved.”
“Now you’ve told me too,” she whispers.
“Well, I hope you know you can talk to me about anything. I don”t want our relationship to change too much. We can still be friends, but now I have to deal with the not so fun stuff too.” I tell her.
“I”d like that.” She says around a yawn. “You know Mom and Dad would have loved Zane. I just know it.”
Once again tonight, my eyes water and I fight back tears.
“I think so too.” I say, hugging her and tucking her in to bed. Then I close the door, hoping she will have a good night’s sleep.
Going to the living room, I pull open my laptop to check my email. There is so much to do with probate, lawyer’s meeting, and the funeral. Brian”s parents can”t even make their own son”s funeral, since my parents insisted their bodies be shipped here instead of us going up there.
It”s been a mess and not something I want Liz to worry about. I know both of us are already dreading the funeral.
Part of me wishes we could fast forward over the next year. Then all of this will be settled and we can work on healing.