27. Ava
CHAPTER 27
Ava
BAGGAGE
Despite our jam-packed schedules and my very real misgivings about the future of our relationship, Sawyer and I see each other every day that week.
I guess neither of us can stay away.
After preschool drop-off, I sneak over to his place for chocolate-flavored coffee and some very hot shower sex on Monday.
Sawyer has Junie and I over for taco night Tuesday.
We meet up again on Wednesday after drop-off. I have a lesson I need to get to, so we end up having an athletic round of sixty-nining in the bed of his truck just off Main Street. I’m the one who suggested the location. And Sawyer, being the excellent human being he was, enthusiastically honored my exhibitionist streak.
Thursday, I have Sawyer and Ella over for chicken potpie. I use Ina Garten’s recipe, and it’s a huge hit all around.
It’s another post-drop-off coffee date on Friday. We have sex, and then we play hooky for an hour and sit by the fire he lights at his place, laughing and talking about everything but the future of our relationship.
We do make plans for a weekend filled with sex, food, dancing, mezcal negronis, and more sex. Sawyer’s brothers offer babysitting coverage for both days, and I confirm with Dan that he’ll be taking Junie.
The prospect of having not one, but two whole days to do whatever I want has me both giddy and apprehensive. I need to tell Sawyer how I’m feeling—to talk to him about the doubts I have, and what we’re going to do about our differing versions of happily ever after.
Dan is the normal amount of late on Saturday. Per our custody agreement, he’s supposed to pick June up at twelve, the idea being that June would nap on the ride back to Dan’s place. But he usually arrives around three or four, so I have her nap here first. I learned the hard way not to keep her up for him. We’re going to have to revisit the schedule now that Junie is in school and he can’t keep her super late on Sundays anymore.
Today, he knocks on my door at quarter past four. Luckily Junie took a decent nap, so she’ll be in good spirits on the drive back to his place.
Doing my best to ignore the familiar twist of resentment in my chest, I open the door with a smile.
“Junie, look who it is,” I say.
Dan steps inside. “Hey, y’all. Sorry I’m late.”
No you’re not .
“Daddy!” Junie screams, launching herself into his outstretched arms.
He wraps her in a tight hug, lifting her off the ground. “Hey, princess! Oh, I’ve missed you. We get the whole weekend together. We’re going to have fun, aren’t we?”
“The most fun,” June replies. “Can Mommy come though?”
The feeling in my chest twists tighter. “Aw, Bug, you and daddy are going to have special time together, remember? I’ll be waiting for you right here when he drops you back off tomorrow.”
She pouts. “But I want you both to be with me today.”
“Well, your mommy made that call.” Dan pinches her cheek. “We can’t all be together anymore.”
“Hey,” I fire back.
“What? You’re the one who wanted it this way.”
Exhibit A how my ex loathes who I am and doesn’t understand the choices I make. Amazing how much easier Sawyer is to deal with. Talk to. Be with.
“Dan, not in front of her, okay?”
“Clearly she knows this isn’t normal.” He puts June down, and she immediately wraps herself around my legs.
I pat her back soothingly. “It’s all right, Bug. Mommy and Daddy are just having a little disagreement.” I give him a look. “Do you not want to take her? Because I’m more than happy?—”
“Of course I want to take my daughter. I just hate when she’s all bummed out like this.”
“She’ll be fine once she’s in your car. Isn’t that right, June? I packed her tablet and it’s fully charged. We downloaded Rapunzel ?—”
“Mr. Sawyer helped me do it!” June announces proudly. “He’s so nice. He’s always helping me and Mommy.”
My stomach dips as Dan’s eyes take on a hard, mean glimmer.
“Who is Mr. Sawyer?”
“Mommy goes on dates with him.”
Dan stares at me. My thoughts race.
He and I are divorced. I’m allowed to go on dates with other people. I’m not doing anything wrong here. Yeah, maybe he’s questioning my decision to introduce June to Sawyer without informing Dan first. But really, how could I have avoided that? Our daughters go to school together, for crying out loud. They’re best friends. Ms. Sherman constantly tells us at pickup how inseparable they are.
I planned on telling Dan about Sawyer. But this all has happened so fast, and I haven’t had a minute to call my ex and fill him in.
To be honest, I’m not sure what I’d fill him in on . Sawyer and I went from one-night stand to parent friends to way more than that in such a short amount of time. I guess part of me didn’t want to jinx it.
I didn’t want to stir the pot unless I had to. I knew Dan would react this way. It would’ve been better for him to find out tomorrow, after he dropped Junie back off. That way, he could go off and pout on his own without it ruining everyone’s weekend.
And then I think, wait a second. I don’t need to babysit his feelings or justify myself to him. He’d never justify himself to me, even when we were married. I’ve always made good choices when it comes to our daughter, and he has absolutely no reason to think I’d ever put her in harm’s way.
I’m just—Jesus, I’m so damn tired of this dance of ours. He gets upset. I bend over backward to keep the peace. Prevent an explosion.
This is how the erasure happens .
This is how I lost myself. Buried my voice. My opinions. My self .
My God, this would never happen with Sawyer, would it? He’d never talk to me this way. He’d never make me feel stupid, or small.
“Did Mr. Sawyer come on a date here?” Dan asks.
“Hey, June?” I say, pulse throbbing in my ears. “Why don’t you go get your Kindle from your bag right there on the table? I’m just going to speak with your daddy real quick.”
Thank God Junie agrees, grabbing the tablet and disappearing into the living room.
“What the fuck, Ava?” Dan asks, eyes wide. “You bring a stranger around my kid and you don’t tell me about it?”
I refuse to let Dan ruffle my feathers. I know he’s just trying to get a rise out of me. Trying to make me feel bad with this whole guilt-trip bullshit.
But letting that shit go is easier said than done. My heart is pounding.
“Keep your voice down, please,” I reply. “And Sawyer is not a stranger. Junie made a friend in school. Her name is Ella, and Sawyer is her dad. Yes, he’s met Junie, and yes, we’ve been on some dates. It’s all very new, which is why I haven’t told you. He’s kind and patient, and he’s very good to us both.”
Dan’s expression twists, and so does my chest.
“You gotta be kidding me.”
“What’s the real problem here, Dan? Just say it so we can move on.”
“Why, because you have a date with this guy?”
I feel my anxiety continue to rise, alongside my exhaustion. I’m so sick of having to be the adult in the room.
So tired of pretending this dance of ours is in any way tolerable or acceptable. This man will never learn. He’ll never change.
“That’s none of your business,” I manage, emotion rising in my throat despite my attempts to stay calm.
“It damn sure is my business if he’s hanging around my daughter.”
I blink back the sting in my eyes. I will not cry in front of Dan.
I refuse to let him have the upper hand.
“I’m sorry I didn’t tell you about Sawyer, Dan. Like I said, he’s a really good guy, and Junie enjoys his company. I wouldn’t bring him around if I thought he’d be a problem. He’s a single dad—Ella’s only parent—so Junie would’ve met him regardless of whether he and I were dating.”
“But you are dating.”
“Yes.” I roll my eyes, nearly choking on my frustration. “I’m allowed to date people, Dan. I’m sure you’re dating too, which is great.”
“You have some nerve being annoyed with me when you’re the one in the wrong. Sure, I date, but I never bring anyone home when June’s around.”
There it is: the insinuation that I’m somehow defective. Improper. Wrong .
I clench my jaw. “Easy for you to say when you only have her two weekends a month.”
“I never wanted this whole arrangement.” He points a finger at me. “ You did.”
My lungs burn. So do my eyes. I hate that I still cry when I get upset. I can be sad, angry, overwhelmed—any big feeling makes me tear up.
I’m a lot like June in that respect, I guess.
It’s also something Dan hated about me. He said I was too emotional. Too much.
I close my eyes. My voice wobbles when I say, “Dan, I think you should leave.”
“You’re being ridiculous. I’m just trying to have a conversation with you.”
“No, you’re trying to upset me, and I am so not here for it.”
“You say he’s a good guy? Prove it. Give me your phone.”
My eyes pop open. “Excuse me?”
“Show me what he says to you.” Dan holds out his hand. “Your texts with him. You want me to believe you, I need proof.”
I laugh. “Absolutely not.”
“Show me, Ava,” he replies, “unless you want this to become a bigger problem? My lawyer’s just a phone call away.”
I step back, barely able to breathe around the constriction in my throat. “I’m not going to let you bully me. Leave, Dan. Why don’t you leave June here while you’re at it if you’re going to act this way?”
“I’m not going to let you bring strange men around my daughter. Show me the phone, Ava.”
I can only stare at him. It’s crystal clear that this man does not like the person I am now or the choices I’m making.
Talking to him is like beating my head against a wall. So different from how easy it is to be with Sawyer. To talk to him. He never second-guesses me this way.
He’d never invade my privacy, because he trusts me.
Sawyer genuinely trusts me. Which makes me think I really can trust myself.
“I didn’t want to get divorced either, Dan,” I say, keeping my voice low. “But we are divorced, which means you have absolutely no right to look at my phone. June is really looking forward to having a nice weekend?—”
“I’ll have a nice weekend once I know my daughter is safe.”
“Right, because I would intentionally put our three-year-old in danger by texting with a guy.” I roll my eyes again and turn on my heel. “Whatever, Dan.”
“Don’t walk away from me.”
“Dan,” I say as calmly as possible, “please leave.”
“The phone, Ava.”
I glare at him. “Dan?—”
“Just give me the phone.”
“How many times do I have to tell you no?” I turn back around to face him. “Get out of here. Now.”
“Mommy? Is Mommy okay?”
My stomach drops when I realize Junie can hear us.
“I’m fine, Bug!” I call. Then I meet Dan’s eyes and whisper, “I’ll do you a solid and forget you asked to invade my privacy if you go. Right now, Dan.”
He holds my gaze for a beat too long. “This conversation is not over. Really, what kind of mother are you, bringing random men to the house? If I didn’t know any better, I’d say you were a sl?—”
“Don’t.” Anger grips my windpipe. At the same time, I’m hit by the ferocious need to cry. “Don’t you dare say that word to me. Or to anyone.”
Silence, heavy and charged, hangs between us as he stares me down.
“Fine,” he clips at last. “But you best believe if I hear a whisper of this man hurtin’ our little girl, we’re gonna have a problem.”
I’m so angry and embarrassed and sad that I’m shaking. I still manage to bite out, “You’re the problem. You always have been. You’re the one who hurt me by not trusting me. By forcing me to bury who I really am. And you’re the one who hurt our little girl by not showing up the way we needed you to.” A tear leaks out of my eye. I quickly wipe it away. “Get out. Now.”
“Whatever.” Dan rolls his eyes, throwing up his hands. “You’re crazy.”
I laugh. It’s more of a cackle, really, the kind that scorches the back of my throat.
“What?” Dan asks.
I shake my head. “It’s just funny. Men love to call women ‘crazy,’ but y’all are the crazy ones thinking we’d ever settle for your bullshit.”
“Fuck you,” he spits.
“ Get. Out. ” I nod at the door. “And if I so much as hear a whisper about you putting bad thoughts or ideas into our little girl’s head, you best believe we’re gonna have a problem.”
I walk past him in an attempt to end the conversation, careful to make sure our shoulders don’t brush. Keeping my voice light, I tell Junie it’s time to go. I definitely don’t miss doing this kind of emotional labor, where I paste a smile on my face to maintain the peace in our house.
I definitely don’t miss living with Dan and his moods.
At least he’s kind to our daughter as they head out the door, telling her how excited he is to spend the day together.
For a split second, I wonder if I should let him take her at all. I’m not worried for her safety or anything. But it’s clear Dan is very angry, and I hope he’s not short-tempered with her. I also hope he doesn’t put any bad thoughts in our daughter’s head.
He is her father, though. And this is his weekend to have her. I can just imagine the shit fit he’d have had if I’d refused to let him take June. Not because he’d necessarily miss her, but because it’d have wounded his pride.
So I watch them pull out of the driveway and head down the paved road that leads to the ranch’s entrance.
Then I curl up on the couch and let out the sob I’ve been holding.
After that, I call my sister. I decide on my older sister Dottie, since she’s supposedly the wiser one.
I could really use some wisdom right now.