28. Ava
CHAPTER 28
Ava
LIFELINE
“Aw, sweetie, what’s wrong?” Dottie asks after picking up on the first ring.
I scoff. “How’d you know something was wrong?”
“You’re supposed to be getting ready to see your cowboy. Tell me what happened.”
I’ve kept my sisters up on the developments between Sawyer and me. It’s been far too juicy of a story not to share. My sisters and I text every day and chat on the phone multiple times a week, so it’d have been weird if I hadn’t told them.
Bee takes all the credit for my budding relationship with Sawyer, seeing as she’s the one who, in her words, “ literally pushed y’all into each other’s arms.”
Dottie loves hearing about all the sweet things Sawyer does for Junie and me.
After witnessing the hell I went through with Dan, I know they’re glad to see me putting myself out there again. To see me happy, happy enough to give a relationship a try.
Am I brave enough, though?
“Where do I start?” I take a deep breath. “Dan and I just got into a big fight when he came to pick up Junie.”
“I hate that guy.”
“He’s the absolute worst,” I say with a mirthless chuckle. “Long story short, he did what he always does and made me feel like shit about myself. Basically implied that I was putting June in danger by introducing her to Sawyer.”
A pause.
“You’re kidding.”
“I wish I were. Dan even asked to see my phone so he could read my texts, because I’m clearly some, like, unhinged, unfit mother who’d neglect her child to go have sex with random men.”
“He’s threatened by you. That’s why he’s always tried to make you smaller. Less sure of yourself. You know that, right? That he’s always been afraid you’ll realize how much better you are than him, so he tries to put you down? Keep you scared and mixed up?”
I stick my tongue into my cheek. “I do, yeah. I just wish his bullshit didn’t still get to me. I know I’m doing the right thing—I’m making good choices, Dot—but now I feel bad. I’m also in no state to go see Sawyer.”
“Don’t you dare let that asshole second-guess yourself. And don’t you dare let him keep you from your cowboy.”
My face crumples. “Maybe it’s for the best.”
Dottie guffaws. “That’s a lie, and you know it. Divorcing a narcissistic jerk-off who tried to change everything about you— that was for the best. Blowing off the cute cowboy who worships every last bit of you? That’s not, and I refuse to allow it.”
The knot in my center loosens ever so slightly. My sister is right about Sawyer. I truly can’t imagine him ever accusing me the way Dan did.
I can’t imagine Sawyer ever trying to keep me mixed up. He’s not afraid of who I am. Hell, he’s not afraid of what I want, even though it’s the opposite of what he wants. He still lets me be, well, me.
“You’re in love with him, aren’t you?” Dottie asks, reading my mind.
“Jesus, Dot, way to put me on the spot.”
“You’re a poet and you didn’t even know it.” I hear the smile in her voice. “I mean, it’s pretty obvious, sweetie. From what you’ve told me about Sawyer, he’d never do anything to intentionally make you cry sad tears this way.”
I glance at the ceiling. The fan is on, casting shadows as it lazily stirs the air.
“But he wants to get married. Kids, dogs, white picket fence. The whole nine yards.”
“And?”
“And?” I laugh. “What do you mean? You know I have no interest in any of that. He’s a good guy, Dottie. He deserves the world. Everything he wants, he really and truly deserves. He’s an excellent human being. He works hard and loves harder, and I don’t want to stand in the way of him getting the happily ever after he’s always dreamed of.”
Dottie pauses. I hear her munching on something. Cashews, if I had to guess. She’s a constant snacker.
“I don’t buy it,” she says at last.
I roll my eyes. “What don’t you buy?”
“That you and Junie aren’t his happily ever after. I mean, what if y’all have already found it? Paradise? Because really, what could heaven possibly be other than the freedom to be your freaky little authentic selves together?”
Feels good to keep laughing, despite the tears that continue to leak out of my eyes.
“I know you,” Dottie continues. “What you value most in life are freedom and authenticity. Two things you were never, ever going to find with Dan. But Sawyer? Totally different story. You gotta give the guy a chance to prove you wrong, A.”
I already know the answer. But I still ask, “Prove me wrong about what?”
“That romantic relationships equal inevitable disappointment.”
Looking down at the sofa, I let the idea marinate inside my head. “I’m okay being on my own. I like my life as it is.”
“I know you do. I also know that you know that family is the beginning and end of everything. All family is, A, is a bunch of people who love each other. Family is love. Ergo?—”
“Love is the beginning and end of everything.” Lord, the tears are really falling now.
“So let love in, damn it.”
“You know what I love? How you can make me laugh and cry at the same time.”
“I’m awesome. I’m also right, and you know it.”
I take a breath in. Let it out. In. Out. Over and over, thinking.
Feeling.
“But he wants to get married,” I say at last. “Sawyer grew up in this, like, picture-perfect family?—”
“They’re really great, aren’t they?”
My stomach somersaults when I remember the way Mollie and Wheeler helped me pick out my boots and outfit.
Also, they refused to let me pay for the boots, telling me the only payment they’d accept is attendance at ladies’ night at The Rattler on Tuesdays. Apparently Mollie is a big fan, even though she can’t drink at the moment.
Also also , I know Mollie and Wheeler aren’t Riverses by birth or blood. But they’re part of this sweet little family I’ve found here in Hartsville. A family that Sawyer helped create, alongside the brothers.
Let’s not forget the way Duke has quietly cheered us on from the sidelines. And then there’s the fact that Cash and Mollie babysat Ella so Sawyer and I could go out the other night.
“Really great,” I say, throat closing in all over again.
“But they’re not perfect. No one is. Which is why I think you have some room to get creative here. Sawyer says he’s looking for marriage, which you take to mean a white picket fence and babies and all that. What if—hear me out here—he’s actually looking for commitment? Because marriage and commitment aren’t the same thing. Maybe you can’t give him a ring, but you can show up. Be a really great friend. You can be a great listener. You can be there for him and for his daughter. I think this is a classic case of showing being more impactful and important than telling .”
I scrunch my brow. “Explain.”
“Like”—Dottie lets out a breath—“you’re showing him you’re all in with what you do. Who cares about what the two of you say to each other on a stupid altar at a stupid wedding? Words mean nothing. Deeds are everything. Sawyer is a smart guy. I think he’ll ultimately appreciate that more than your signature on a marriage license. You learned firsthand how worthless that piece of paper can be.”
I dab at my eyes with my sleeve. “I like that idea. Really, I don’t think you’re wrong about Sawyer appreciating the small things—the everyday deeds. That’s what I love about him. But I’m not sure that will be enough. I get why he wants the big white wedding with all his friends and family there. He’s a family man at heart. A true romantic.”
“And you’re not?”
I let out a bark of laughter. “Dot, I’m the opposite of a romantic at this point.”
“Hard disagree. You’re in love right now. So in love that you can’t fucking stand it, can you?”
“I am.” Running a hand through my hair, I form a fist at my crown and squeeze my eyes shut. “And I can’t.”
“Listen. We all want a guarantee that things will work out and we’ll be okay. Truth is, nobody gets a guarantee. You take risks and hope they work out, and that’s all you can do.”
“I’ve taken some really stupid risks,” I manage, my voice threadbare.
“Sawyer is not a stupid risk, sweetie. You and I both know that. Your experience with him is totally different from your experience with Dan. Sawyer loves you for who you are, not who he thinks you should be. Maybe that’ll change down the road. But I highly, highly doubt that.”
My pulse drums in my ears. “Why do you think that?”
“Sawyer knows what he wants, and in keeping with that, he knows who he is. He’s not trying to be something or someone he’s not. He doesn’t need to impress anyone other than you. Which he’ll go to the ends of the earth to do, by the way.”
Let me stay. Please, Ava, let me stay.
I’m ready to run when you are.
“I can’t go through it again.” I cover my eyes with my hand. “If things don’t work out—there’s Junie, and my job—life is so good right now, and I don’t want to start over?—”
“You know it’d be a tragedy, right?”
“What would?”
“If you let this fear you have of people disappointing you sabotage what could be a really beautiful time in your life. I love you, but I can already see you thinking you’d be better off if you end things now before Sawyer inevitably lets you down.”
“Because he will let me down, Dot.”
“Of course he will! Everyone disappoints you sometimes. But I think the difference is, Sawyer will never disappoint you by asking you to abandon who you really are.”
My heart squeezes. It’s true.
Deep down, I know Sawyer will let me be the free spirit I am in a way that Dan never, ever did.
Sawyer will show up for me without insisting I change first. Without the condition that I be smaller, sweeter, less .
Reading my mind, Dottie continues softly, “You’re assuming the worst, Ava. You think he’ll let you down and your relationship will implode because he’s going to wind up thinking you’re somehow deficient. But how about you tell yourself this story instead: that you love Sawyer for who he is, and he loves you the same way, and that is your happily ever after, full stop? Screw the picket fences and the joint bank accounts. It’s about y’all, and the two of you clearly mean a lot to each other. I know this whole thing started with some really hot sex?—”
“The sex is so, so good, Dot.”
“So it’s true that everything really is bigger in Texas, huh?”
“No comment.”
“You lucky bitch. Anyway, y’all started as a one-night stand. But now I feel like you’ve somehow managed to become friends first, fuck buddies second? Like the whole thing’s been reversed but in, like, the best way?”
“Sawyer is a really great friend.”
“Dan never was.” Dottie chews. “I rest my case. It’s time to be brave, A. Dry your eyes, put on your dancing boots, and go tell your cowboy how you feel.”
“Even if I’m a blotchy mess?”
“Especially if you’re a blotchy mess. Something tells me Sawyer is gonna make you feel a hell of a lot better.”