30. Sawyer
CHAPTER 30
Sawyer
GENTLEMAN
Kills me to drop Ava off at her place later that night after we danced for hours at The Rattler. We drank beer and sang along to the band and laughed our asses off. But we decided we wanted to have individual conversations with our daughters about our relationship before we do any kind of sleepover situation, so I drive home alone in the dark with the taste of Ava’s pussy in my mouth and a big, dumb smile on my face. Caroline says I look “really happy” when I relieve her from babysitting duty.
I let myself sleep in on Sunday morning—well, as much as Ella will let me, anyway—because that’s what I do now. I let myself rest when I need it. Ava’s rubbing off on me in all the best ways.
Then I get a pot of chili going—I told Ava I’d bring dinner over tonight so I could meet Dan when he dropped off Junie.
After that, Ella and I head to the barn and tack up my horse, JJ. I got him last year when Ella was obsessed with the show Cocomelon , so she named him after her favorite character.
Together, we ride out to the south pasture where Wyatt and the cowboys are working cattle. It’s a chilly, overcast day, but my daughter doesn’t seem to mind. She squeals with delight as we ride alongside the herd, her pink little helmet bobbing in time to my horse’s stride.
“Elly Belly Boo, you are looking so good up there in the saddle,” Sally says. “I’m proud of you, sweetheart.”
Ella turns her head and smiles at her soon-to-be aunt. “I like riding with Daddy.”
“I can see that. Y’all both look happy.” Sally’s eyes flick to me. “ Very happy.”
I guide JJ closer to a calf who appears to be lagging a little behind his mama. “Y’all were great last night.”
“Thanks. I already checked on that little guy, by the way. He’s just one of the younger ones. We’ll keep an eye on him, but I think he’ll learn to keep up.”
“Sounds good.”
“You looked like you were having a good time on the dance floor.” Sally eyes Ella, and I know she doesn’t want to say too much. “I’m glad y’all were able to stay.”
“Me too.”
Sally smiles. “I think y’all made my mom blush, the way you were … ahem, dancing.”
“Daddy, you went dancing?” Ella turns her head to look up at me.
“I did. With Miss Ava.”
“Miss Ava? Can I please see Junie today? I miss her so very much.”
Sally and I laugh.
“I might miss Ava a little more.”
Ella scrunches up her face. “Why would you miss her?”
“I’ll leave y’all to it,” Sally says. “I’m happy for you, Sawyer.”
“Thanks, Sal. Tell my brother to slow down, would you?” I nod ahead at Wyatt, who’s riding a hundred or so yards in front of us. “It’s Sunday, and I don’t wanna rush.”
Sally’s still smiling as she shakes her head.
“What?” I ask.
“I just like this new version of you is all.”
“What new version would that be?” I’m smiling like an idiot, but I don’t care.
“The one that takes his time. That enjoys a ride, instead of just enduring it.”
“Well, in that case, I like this new version of me too.”
“You should ‘dance’ more.” Sally uses air quotes. “I can tell you from experience that everyone’s happier when you’re dancing.”
“How many times do we have to tell you and Wyatt to get a room already?” I reply with a laugh.
“Just imparting some hard-won wisdom. Good luck, Sawyer.”
Ella and I trot in contented silence for a few minutes. Like her, I don’t mind the cold. We’ve had a wet winter, so the herd doesn’t kick up much dust at all.
I clear my throat, going over the thousand different ways I could approach this conversation. Kept me up late, thinking about what I should say. How I should say it. I don’t want to overwhelm Ella by sharing too many details, but I also don’t want her to walk away confused.
As much as I’ve longed for this moment to arrive, I feel really fucking unprepared. How do you tell the person you love most in the world that things are about to change? In a good way, obviously. But still. I already feel so much guilt about what Ella’s been through. Her mom isn’t around. I do my best, but I worry all the time about making sure she has stability and consistency in her life.
Introducing a new person—two new people—is a big, big change for us. Even if it’s a positive change, it’s still rocking our little boat in a way I never would have allowed before meeting Ava.
No one else seemed worth the risk.
“So, Ella, I have something I want to talk to you about,” I say.
“Okay.”
“You know Miss Ava.” I clear my throat. “Of course you know her. And you like her, right?”
Ella nods. “I like Miss Ava.”
“Well, Miss Ava is my new girlfriend.”
“What’s a girlfriend?”
“Um. It’s someone who is very special to me. I like Ava a lot, too, Ella, and I’m hoping to become very, very good friends with her. She’s going to be around a lot more—she’ll be with us for dinner sometimes, and sometimes for breakfast or lunch. Other times, she’ll just be hanging out with us.”
“Oh. Okay. Are you going to marry Miss Ava?”
I wait for the disappointment to hit. And it does, in the form of a small but persistent tug in my center.
I think I’ll always want to get married. That desire’s not going to go away after a single moment, conversation, realization, whatever. But I recognize that beneath the desire for a ring—inside it—is the desire for safety.
The desire to be known by someone, witnessed at my best and at my worst, and still be loved.
My family loves me that way. So does Ava.
I’m not going to let the fact that she doesn’t want us to be legally bound stop me from loving her. Because being with Ava has made my life fuller and richer and happier than I think a stop at the altar ever could.
“We’re not going to get married, no. But you and Junie will be seeing a lot more of each other.”
“I love that.”
“I thought you might.”
“Does my mom know?”
Junie doesn’t talk about Lizzie much. It’s sad, but it’s also what’s best for everyone at this point. Maybe that will change. Maybe it won’t.
Either way, I’ve decided that honesty is the best policy when it comes to our family.
“I’ll tell your mom, yes. I’m pretty sure she’ll be happy for us, just like Auntie Sally was.”
Ella turns her head again to look up at me. “Daddy?”
“Yeah, Ella?”
“Is kissing yucky?”
I burst out laughing. “What made you think of that?”
“Rapunzel kisses Flynn.”
“Ah. Right. Well, you tell me.” I lean down and give her a scruffy, noisy kiss on her cheek. “Was that yucky?”
“So yucky!”
“Fine. I’ll just kiss Miss Ava from now on.”
“Okay, Daddy. If it makes you happy.”
I laugh, feeling lightheaded with relief. Relief and joy. “Oh, you best believe I’ll be kissing both of you for as long as I’m alive.”
* * *
I’m helping Ava change some light bulbs in her kitchen later that day when the crunch of gravel outside announces a visitor.
We meet eyes. It’s Dan and Junie.
“He won’t stay long,” Ava says. “Especially because you’re here.”
Ava told Dan that he’d get to meet me when he dropped off June this afternoon. Apparently he wasn’t thrilled about it. But like Ava said, it’s a classic case of damned if you do, damned if you don’t. The guy got in a shouting match with her over the fact that she didn’t tell him about me, but now he’s pouting because she did exactly what he asked and arranged a little meet and greet today.
Whatever the case, I’m making it a point to go high when he goes low. Ava doesn’t need any more drama in her life. I also plan on being around for a while, which means Dan will be a regular fixture in our lives. Might as well make lemonade out of those lemons, best as I can.
I glance across the apartment to the living room. Ella has her back to us, pretending to microwave what appears to be a wooden pizza in the miniature kitchen set beside the TV.
I turn back to Ava. “You all right to see him?”
“I’m fine. Really. He did apologize over text this morning, which is better than nothing.”
What a coward, saying he’s sorry in a text. If I had my way, I’d grab Junie, bring her inside, and then chase this motherfucker away with my rifle. But my mama raised me better than that.
So I put on a smile. “Good. I’m glad he apologized to you. I hope he learned his lesson and never talks to you like that again.”
“You’re a really good guy, you know that?” Her eyes go soft. “Thank you. For being here. And for understanding.”
I put my hands on her waist. “I’m here for you, pretty girl.”
“I know you are.”
I keep smiling when Ava opens the door. Junie bursts into the apartment, talking a hundred miles a minute while she charges up the stairs, then drops her jacket and water bottle on the floor.
“Mommy, hi! Daddy and I got doughnuts for breakfast! Then we went to the park, and after that we had quiet time, and now I’m here.”
Okay, now I’m smiling for real as I pick up her discarded jacket and water bottle. Gotta love this kid’s zest for life.
Straightening, I lock eyes with a guy several inches shorter than me. He’s wearing a flannel and jeans, a pair of sunglasses hanging from his shirt.
He’s also wearing a backward baseball hat. That fact alone makes me hate him, because I know that he knows how much Ava likes it.
“Hey, y’all,” he says with a smile as he closes the door behind him. “How’s it going?”
He’s playing the nice guy. No trace of the asshole who made Ava cry into my shoulder yesterday.
Ava has Junie wrapped around her legs. “Apparently it’s going really well. You guys had fun, huh?”
June nods. “We did, Mommy. But I missed you.”
“Aw, I missed you too, Bug.”
“Yella!” June shouts when she sees my daughter. “Yella, hi! You’re here! Hi!”
She makes a mad dash for Ella, the two of them colliding in a hug that ends with Junie lifting Ella off the ground.
It has us all in stitches.
“Patrick Swayze and that chick from Dirty Dancing have nothing on these two,” I say.
“That your daughter?” Dan asks.
“Yep. She’s a few months younger than June.” I extend my hand. “I’m Sawyer, Ava’s boyfriend. Pleased to meet you.”
I don’t miss the tic in Dan’s jaw when he takes my hand and gives it a firm shake. “Dan Owens. So how’d y’all meet?”
“In Austin, actually,” Ava says. “Then we randomly ran into each other again here in Hartsville.”
I nod. “Been together ever since.”
“Nice.” Dan puts his hands in his pockets as he looks at me. “And you work here on the ranch?”
“I work on my own ranch, as a matter of fact.”
“Lucky River Ranch,” Ava adds, glancing at me. “It’s one of the largest in the state. Sawyer and his brothers are co-owners.”
A pink flush is working its way up Dan’s neck.
Ain’t my style to gloat, but I do allow myself a little smirk. “It’s a nice spot.”
“Sounds like it,” he replies.
I turn my head to look at the girls, who are busy helping each other into princess dresses. “Your daughter is adorable. She’s got a big heart, and she’s been so good to Ella. Really helping to bring her out of her shell.”
“Thanks,” Dan says. “She is cute.”
I look at Ava. “Y’all are doing a great job raising her.”
“Takes a village,” Ava replies, a small smile on her lips. “We’re so proud of her.”
“As you should be. It’s an honor to be part of that village. She’s a special little girl.” I turn my gaze to Dan, and wait for him to say something back to me along those lines.
He doesn’t.
He does, however, have the grace to look a little sheepish. He’s gotta know I spend more time with Junie than he does. He should feel shame for that. I won’t call him out on it, of course. But I can heavily imply that he’s let these girls down in a big way.
Then again, I try not to judge Lizzie for the choices she’s making, even though it’s hard not to resent her for chasing her dreams while I’m here doing the hard work of raising our kid. Who knows what Dan’s story is? Maybe he doesn’t aspire to be the same kind of involved parent that Ava and I are, but it’s obvious June adores him.
For that reason alone, I’ll never, ever start shit with this man.
“She is special, isn’t she?” Dan says at last. Rocking back on his heels, he tilts his head toward the door. “Welp, I should get going.”
“Nice to meet you,” I say. “Looking forward to seeing you next time.”
Yes, motherfucker, I’ll be here. Just like I’ll be here the time after that, and the time after that.
Dan trots to the family room to give June one last hug. He does say hi to Ella, which I have to give him credit for—the guy’s not a total loser. Ava wouldn’t have married him if he was.
Then he’s opening the door and walking through it.
“Here, I’ll walk you out.” Following him, I glance at Ava over my shoulder. “I’ll be right back.”
My heart skips at the steadiness of her gaze. She’s not worried about me doing something stupid outside.
She trusts me. In a way I don’t think she was ever able to trust Dan.
I wait until he and I are standing beside his truck to speak. I keep my voice low, tone even. Cool as a cucumber.
“So, hey,” I begin, looking him square in the eye. “I’m gonna be nice to you in front of Ava and Junie, because they really do mean the world to me.”
Dan peers at me from the corner of his eye. He’s gripping the door handle of his truck like a lifeline. “Okay.”
“But you ever make my girl cry again, I won’t be this nice. Understood?”
His eyes narrow, flashing with anger. I notice his grip on the door loosens.
For a split second, I think he’s going to do something stupid. Push me, or even try to land a punch. But I stay cool, holding eye contact despite the very real urge I have to ball my hands into fists.
“That was a misunderstanding,” Dan says at last. “I apologized to Ava.”
“I don’t care. You make her cry, you’ll see a side of me you’re not gonna like.”
His jaw tics again. “How long y’all been dating?”
“Long enough to know she deserves better’n you.”
He glares at me. “That’s uncalled for.”
“I said my piece. Long as we understand each other, Dan, we’ll be good.”
He keeps glaring at me for another long beat before finally yanking open his door. “Whatever.”
Climbing inside, he revs the engine and peels out of the driveway.
“Everything okay?” Ava asks when I’m back in the kitchen.
I pick up a wooden spoon and give the chili a stir. It’s been simmering on her stove for an hour now. “Everything’s perfect. Y’all hungry?”
“For you?” Smiling, she wraps her arms around my waist. “Always.”