Chapter 27
27
JOSS
The moment I walked in through my apartment door, the tears I’d barely been holding back came flooding out. I stumbled across the room, dropping my bag to the floor as I went, and slammed my shin into my stupid table in my effort to fall face-first onto my couch. I cried huge, ugly sobs; the same I’d let fall when I’d gotten out of the hospital after my car accident and realized I had nothing left. I’d let myself get so wrapped up in Peter that, when he was gone, when I was finally free, I wasn’t sure who I was.
I promised myself I’d never do that again. I’d never let a man bring me down to the point where I’d lost myself. But I was so lost in Rylan and his needs that I didn’t know how to breathe without him. And when he turned from the happy-go-lucky man I fell in love with to the grouchy guy too wrapped up in his pain and his failures to find even an ounce of joy, it began to feel like I couldn’t breathe with him either.
In my heart, I knew Rylan would never physically hurt me. When he jolted awake and slammed his hand into my leg, I brushed it off as the accident it was. But then his poor attitude got involved, and my brain couldn’t stop the spiral of my thoughts as I remembered exactly what living with Peter had been like.
Nitpicking had turned to insult. Insult had turned into hate. And hate had led his fists to pound into my face, his feet to kick my ribs, his hands to wrap around my throat and strangle me until I thought I would die.
Rylan wouldn’t do that. I knew that.
But the broken girl Peter left behind wouldn’t listen. Not when he acted that way.
Sucking in a shuddering breath, I turned my head to the side and searched for my fish tank through watery eyes. I needed the peace watching my critters always brought me. The same peace I’d run from Rylan’s apartment trying to find. I’d barely been home since he came back from the hospital, and the constant doing was eating at me.
Eventually, I sat up. I moved closer to my tank. I watched the fish swim back and forth. I even smiled when Clyde poked his head out of his hiding spot, and I somehow found laughter when Gary climbed from the glass and rode the surface tension of the water, hanging upside down.
I found my peace, but it was shattered by my ringing cell phone.
After grabbing my bag from where I left it on the floor, I plopped back down on the couch and dug through the pockets until I found my phone. I was tempted to turn it off, to let it roll to voicemail—I couldn’t take Rylan yelling at me again. But when I saw Van’s name on the screen, I swiped my finger across it and pulled my phone to my ear.
“Do you realize how long it’s been since you actually answered my call?” he said by way of greeting. “I was starting to think you were ignoring me.”
A smile curled my lips as I pulled my feet up on the cushion beside me. “You caught me. How did you know?”
“How did I know? That you were going to answer this time or that you’re ignoring me? Because honestly, I didn’t expect you to answer.”
“I’m sorry.”
Van scoffed, but there was no escaping the humor in his voice. “Are you kidding me? I wouldn’t want to hang out with me either. I can’t dance for shit and you’re obviously better at ax throwing than me. I don’t bring a lot to this relationship, obviously.”
“Van,” I said, unable to hide my laughter, “you bring a lot to this relationship.”
“Like what?”
“Hmm.” I licked my thumb and dragged it over the cut on my shin, wiping away a small streak of blood. “You’re pretty decent at driving me around in bad weather?—”
“Decent?”
“And you always know how to cheer me up.”
“Well.” He huffed out a breath. “Yeah, you got me there. How am I doing?”
“Really good.”
“And how are you?”
My throat tightened as my chest clenched. When I spoke, my voice barely came out. “I’m okay.”
“Really? Cause you kinda sound like you’ve been crying.”
“Van…”
He didn’t respond, didn’t interrupt, and I hated that he was such a good friend. That he cared enough to check in on me and knew when I was lying through my teeth.
“I hit my shin on my stupid table again.”
“That’s it. I’m coming over and I’m taking that damn thing to the dumpster where it belongs, and then we’re gonna sit and watch shitty rom coms and eat a gallon of ice cream while you tell me why you’re really crying.”
“Van!”
“Okay, fine. No rom coms. Rom coms suck. How about a horror flick? And not one of those stupid franchises where the same bad guy chases the same teen girl until she’s eighty years old.”
“Oh my gosh, Van!”
“What, you like that shit? I never pegged you as a slasher chick. Then again, I never saw you as a metal head either, but there you are.”
Laughter shook my shoulders until tears welled in my eyes. At least these tears weren’t because I was sad.
“You’re a good friend.”
“Hey! Don’t say that too loud, I don’t need that shit getting out.”
“I’m going to tell everyone,” I said with a laugh.
“You wouldn’t!”
More laughter shook me, and twin tears fell from my eyes. Van quieted on the other end of the line, and I hated that I didn’t know what to say. I was so tempted to tell him the truth about me and Rylan, but I knew I couldn’t. I still hadn’t talked to Rylan about it. Each time I thought to bring it up, he was in such a bad mood. I didn’t want him to get mad at me. I didn’t want him to leave. So I hid the truth and suffered in silence with no one to talk to.
Something needed to change. I knew that. I couldn’t stay in a relationship with both Rylan and his grief. While he was sweet and kind and would never, ever hit me, the anger he directed toward me felt like its own kind of emotional abuse.
“We should go out,” Van said finally. “Get some dinner and catch up. It’s been a while. And, you know, I could…”
“Could what?” I asked when he didn’t continue.
“I could really use a friend too.” The tone he used hurt my heart, but he sped on before I could say a word. “What with this whole FBI investigation and all that, and the death of my grandma… I still need to thank you properly for the plant you sent to the funeral. You would not believe the headache it caused.”
“Oh no! I’m so sorry!”
“Don’t be.” He let out what could only be considered a maniacal laugh. “You should have seen Patty’s face. Seriously, I wish you’d been there.”
At that, he paused, and I wasn’t quite sure how to respond. I could have used a break, some time away from Rylan, but I couldn’t bring myself to stay away. What if he needed me? What if he fell again? What if he hurt himself because I wasn’t there to help?
“Soon,” I told him after too long a wait. “I’ll let you take me out for a bucket of ice cream, and we can drown our sorrows together.”
“Sorrows, huh? This about your husband?”
I sucked in a sharp breath, then let it out a little too loudly. “We’re still trying to figure things out.”
“Need me to talk to him? Knock some sense into him? Because I will. He won’t know what hit him.”
“Van!”
“No? Okay. Well, offer’s on the table whether you need it or not. Just let me know.”
“Yeah, I will.”
“Take care of yourself, Joss. You keep taking care of everyone else, but you deserve that care too.” His words were a vice wrapping around my throat. “See you at work?”
I nodded, then remembered he couldn’t see. “Okay. Bye, Van.”
When the phone went dead, I dropped it to my lap and buried my face in my hands. My fish couldn’t bring me the peace I needed, not if I couldn’t see them through my tears. I wanted to sleep, to curl up and stay in bed and not have to face the responsibilities that rested on my shoulders. I hated that I couldn’t. That I had to hold it together as if nothing bothered me. I was all alone, and the only person I could talk to about Rylan wasn’t answering her phone.
The last I’d heard from Cheyenne, she was hiding out. Whether it was from Peter or the police, I wasn’t sure. There’d been times in the past where she’d disappeared, and the radio silence always bothered me. But then she’d pop back into my life as if nothing happened, and I couldn’t bring myself to ask what was going on.
I feared it was Peter’s harassment keeping her away. I worried more that contact between the two of us would lead my ex to me. As much as I missed my friend, neither of us would benefit if that bastard found one or both of us.
Even though it wasn’t past noon, the weight on my shoulders attached itself to my eyelids and dragged them down. I fell to the side, watching my fish when I wasn’t staring off into space. Gary curled into his shell and dropped from the top of the tank to the floor, and one of my tetras darted around the plants like he was playing hide and seek. I was about to doze off when something tapped at my windowpane.
For a moment, I thought about not getting up. The sound wasn’t normal. When Frank knocked at my window, telling me he’d found something pretty, it had a distinct click that I’d learned years ago. This tapping sounded louder—not like a beak, but like someone tossing a rock. It would be just my luck to crawl off the couch and drag myself to the window only to find out it was just a bunch of kids.
The tapping continued, though, and if nothing else, I wanted it to stop. So I pulled myself up and pushed back my hair. I wiped my face with my palms, then wiped my nose with the last tissue from my box. The tapping came again, and I let out a harsh breath.
“Geez, Frank. I’m coming,” I muttered. “What the heck did you find that’s so damn important you can’t just leave it in the bowl?”
He tapped again before I could stand. Tapped again as I took my first step toward the window. I pulled back the curtains and found him standing on the fire escape, wings spread wide.
“Hey, buddy,” I cooed as I pulled open the window and a cool breeze came flying by. Frank bobbed up and down but didn’t make a sound as I reached into my can of peanuts and pulled out a few nuts. “You’re pretty persistent today. What did you find me?”
When I turned back to the bird, my hands shot to my face and the nuts went flying. In his beak, Frank held a silver ring that had a large diamond protruding from it. He flapped his wings, stepping closer, and swayed back and forth, his shiny black eyes peering in through the window as if he were looking for the nuts. With shaky hands, I reached out to accept his gift.
Frank bobbed again, then dropped the shiny ring into my palm.
“Did you—?” I blinked. I was horrified. Before Rylan got hurt, Frank had stolen a pair of pink gloves from a little girl in the park just to get him in trouble. “Did you steal this from someone?”
Frank stepped closer, ducking his head, not as if he were ashamed for his actions, but like he was looking for his food. Sure enough, he snatched a peanut from the windowsill, then bobbed again, coming closer as he searched for more.
I reached out my free hand, petting the top of his head with one finger. “Why would you take this? That wasn’t very nice of you.”
He looked up at me and spread his wings before letting out a squawk. He pecked at my hand, and I pulled it back before he could grab the ring again. I dropped a handful of nuts into his bowl, then leaned out the window to get a better look at the ring in the sunlight.
It was beautiful. The exact same ring I’d always wanted. The one I had on my vision board years ago. The same one?—
“Joss!”
Oh my God. It was… It couldn’t be. My mind had to be playing tricks on me. Because this looked like the ring Rylan proposed to me with. And that voice?—
“Joss!”
I glanced up as Frank spread his wings and took off. Through the flurry of black feathers, I could do nothing more than blink. When Frank soared to the street and landed, my heart stopped.
“Rylan?”
“Joss!” He was there. Rylan was there! Standing across the street from my apartment, his injured leg held out slightly in front of him as he balanced his weight on his crutches.
“Rylan, what are you doing?” I glanced up and down the street, worried he’d fall into traffic and die. “Don’t move! Stay right there!”
Without bothering to shut my window, I turned around and grabbed my keys before racing to the stairs. I took them three at a time, nearly breaking my leg as I slipped off one. I righted myself and raced on, stumbling through the door and into the street.
“Rylan!” I barely glanced both ways before I was racing across to him. Frank sat on his shoulder, the two of them watching me with shit-eating grins. “What are you doing here?”
Rylan dropped one crutch and pulled me to his chest. I held on tight, worried he was going to fall. Worried I’d somehow have to pick him up.
“Joss, gorgeous,” he whispered to the top of my head before Frank dipped in and snagged a strand of my hair.
“Ouch!”
“Dammit, Frank!” Rylan edged back, and I tucked my body under his shoulder to hold his weight. “You’re done here. Go on. I left you a pile of nuts down there.”
Frank bobbed, then flew off Rylan’s shoulder and settled over his peanuts. I peeked up at him, only to get lost in the dazzling blue of his eyes.
“What are you doing here?”
Rylan’s smile was full of sadness. He turned himself, nodding his head toward the white car beside him. I helped him to it, and he sat on the hood.
“I missed you, gorgeous,” he whispered, gripping my face between his palms.
“I just saw you! You’re supposed to be at home with your parents!”
“Yeah, well.” He shook his head before dipping his chin. He didn’t look at me when he responded. “Ma didn’t want to stick around. Think she made it about twenty minutes after you took off before she did the same.”
“What?” My heart clenched and I reached for him, grabbing hold of his T-shirt. “Rylan, that’s?—”
“It’s fine.” He shook his head. “No. No, it’s not fine. But it’s…That’s not what I came here to say.”
“What do you?—”
“Joss, baby.” He took my face again, pressing his forehead to mine. “I’m sorry. I’m sorry I’m such an insufferable ass. I don’t mean to be. I honestly hate that I am. I’m just… hurt. I’m frustrated that I’m stuck and in pain and all I want to do is be happy again. I want to get up and move, go out with you and see the world, and I’m just so damn stuck in my head that I keep taking it out on the one person in this world I love more than anything else.”
“Rylan—”
“Joss.” He pressed his lips to mine, his kiss too brief. He let go of me, grabbing both my hands in his. His fingers grasped my own, two of them pinching the ring I still held in my hand. “I don’t have it in me to get down on my knee right now, and it makes me feel like shit that I can’t. But I came here to apologize for how I’ve been acting. Pops made me realize just how much of an ass I’ve been, because no matter how much pain I’m in, you deserve more than I’ve given you. You deserve the world, gorgeous, because you are my world. You bring me happiness when nothing else does, and I don’t want to live a single day without you by my side.”
“You don’t have too—” I started, but he cut me off with a kiss.
“I love you, Joslyn Monroe. Will you marry me? Again?”
“Rylan.” My bottom lip trembled, and I pressed myself to him, pressed my lips against his. “I love you.”
“Marry me, baby. Let me make up for being such an ass by taking care of you for the rest of your life.”
“But what about…”
“What about what, gorgeous?”
“What about… I don’t want to be a secret anymore, Rylan. I can’t keep hiding what I feel for you. And if that’s what this is going to be, then I can’t. I love you too much for that.”
“Then don’t.”
“What?”
“Don’t hide it. Let’s tell everyone, okay? Let’s let the world know that you and I are together, and our love is too big to hide away. I want to go public. I want a wedding with all our friends so I can dance with you like we did at Vinny and Jen’s wedding. I want to dance with you every single day and have that damn cake?—”
“Oh my God, the cake!”
“Right?” Rylan laughed. “Might be fuckin’ expensive, but it’ll be worth it.” He pressed a less-than-chaste kiss to my lips. “Mmm. Wanna take a slice and smear it all over your body and lick every last inch of you clean.”
“Oh my God, Rylan.” My cheeks burned so hot it felt like they were on fire.
“I’m gonna get better, gorgeous. I promise. I’m going to get my ass out of bed and get back to work. I’m going to get back in shape, and then”—he grabbed me by the hips and pulled me close—“I’m going to make love to you until you’re screaming my name and begging me for more.”
“Rylan.” My lips crashed into his, and I didn’t make him wait to slip his tongue into my mouth. I wanted to taste him, wanted to feel the way he loved me with all of himself, from his head to his toes.
“Marry me, gorgeous. Make me the happiest man on earth.”
“Yes.” I grabbed the back of his head and yanked him down to me, snaking my fingers behind his neck as I held his lips to mine. Rylan pulled me closer as he leaned backward over the hood of the car, and I nearly climbed over him, trying to feel every inch of his body pressed to mine.
That is, until a voice called out and I was jumping five feet in the air.
“She say yes?”
“Fuck! Pops! Do you mind?”
“I kinda do mind, actually,” Rylan’s dad called from the front seat of the car we’d been groping each other on. “Worried you might scratch the car and then we’ll be in a heap of trouble when we turn it back in.”
“It’ll be fine,” Rylan said, adjusting himself in his sweats before he turned his gaze on Ray. “I can buy you fifty cars. A little scratch in the paint is nothing.”
“I just don’t want to get into any trouble.”
“Pops.” Rylan shook his head, then held his hand out to me. His lips curled up when I slid my fingers between his and he tugged me closer, though not quite as close as before. “Come on out here and meet my wife.”
“Wife, huh?” Ray opened the door and maneuvered himself until he was standing. He made his way over to us, then opened his arms the way he had back at Rylan’s apartment. “Welcome to the family, Joss. So glad to have you.”
I fell into his arms and held on for one of the best hugs I’d felt in years. “I’m so glad to be here,” I told him, my voice wavering as I tried not to cry.
When he edged back and let me go, Ray glanced over at Rylan. “I was thinking about joining Susie back at the hotel for a bit. Figured you two might need some time alone.”
Rylan’s smile split his face in two. “Get yourself a massage,” he said, bumping his fist against Ray’s shoulder. “And maybe a pedicure. Get those gnarly toes taken care of.”
“Just might do that.” He reached to shake Rylan’s hand, but Rylan pulled him into a hug.
“Thanks, Pops. Couldn’t have done it without you.”
“Nonsense. There’s nothing you can’t do. It just might have taken a while longer for you to figure it out.” Ray edged back, untangling himself from Rylan’s fallen crutches. “You call me later? Maybe the four of us can grab supper.”
“We can confuse Ma even more by telling her she’s got a daughter-in-law.” The two of them laughed, then Ray gave me one last hug.
“You take good care of my boy. And take care of yourself, too.”
“I will.”
Ray watched until Rylan made it to the door to my building before he drove away. It was slow going getting Rylan upstairs to my apartment, but he was determined to get there all by himself. I helped him to my bedroom, then settled him on the bed before I tugged his clothes off and stripped out of my own.
With Rylan’s ring on my finger, I climbed onto his lap, kissing him and touching him the way I hadn’t in too long. We made love to each other, savoring each moment in what was sure to be a long, happy life.