Thirty-Eight
Swing sets and slides
I’ve always had you by my side
Sister, I’ve loved you since
The beginning of time
‘Sister’ from Dreamers
What are they doing?’ I say to Faye, horrified. She and Kira are standing at the front of the crowd, Faye watching in pure horror, Kira with some level of amusement.
‘They’ve got into some kind of drinking contest,’ says Faye.
‘Who can drink a bottle of wine the fastest,’ says Kira. ‘My money is on Ollie because the other guy looks kind of green already.’
‘We have to stop this,’ I say. ‘They’re going to poison themselves. What is Ollie thinking?’
‘I am surprised he had it in him,’ says Kira. ‘But Ollie is super competitive, and I think him and Michael were egging each other on . . . and well, now we’re here.’
‘I’m going up,’ I say. But as I stride up to them, Ollie staggers away, holding up an empty bottle of wine. The crowd cheers.
‘Come on,’ I hiss, grabbing him by the shoulders and pulling him towards the door. We walk past Ty and I avoid his look. This is not what I planned, not what I wanted to happen.
‘Selena, I did it,’ he says, swaying, as we walk into the kitchen. ‘Let’s go upstairs,’ says Ollie, grabbing me by the hands.
‘I’m trying to keep the party strictly downstairs for everybody,’ I say.
‘Yeah, but I’m not anybody,’ he says, rocking from one foot to the other on a step. For a moment he looks so devilish, he reminds me of the Ollie I know.
‘Okay, let’s go,’ I say, grabbing his hand as he leads me upstairs. ‘But you have to sit down up there.’
We go into my bedroom, and he lies down flat on the bed.
‘Is it me or is the ceiling moving a bit?’ he says.
‘I think you’re drunk,’ I say, sitting down next to him. ‘Which would make sense since you downed a bottle of wine. Why did you do that?’
Ollie shrugs. ‘I did it before, a few weeks ago, and everyone was really impressed. So I thought I could impress everyone here with it too.’
‘I think you could find better things about yourself to impress people with,’ I say quietly.
Ollie props himself up on one hand, looking at me.
‘The thing is, Selena, I have learnt the best way of impressing people is by showing them you’re on top.
You’re the best. And here, at Benson’s, being the best at school impressed people.
And in Manchester, being the best partier is what gets you far. So . . .’
I look at Ollie, digesting what he’s said. This is not the person I thought I knew. Is he really just trying to impress people, no matter what? ‘Do you really think you have to be the best?’
‘Otherwise what’s the point?’ He’s so drunk, he’s being so sincere, it’s almost funny. But this is the truth.
‘The point is to go and do something you want to do, because you want to do it. Not because you’re the best at it. Not to impress people.’
Ollie shakes his head. ‘No success will ever be found that way. You know, Selena, I know exactly how my life will turn out. And it’ll all be fine. So a few stupid things here and there to gain some . . . social currency. Does it matter?’
‘What if it hurts you? What if it hurts others?’
He gives me a small smile. ‘Do you know what Keeley and Scott and the others call that?’
‘No,’ I say, distaste starting to form in my mouth.
‘Collateral damage. When people get hurt by what you do, even though you didn’t mean it. I’m doing what I need to do, Selena. I’m not responsible for other people’s feelings.’
Wow.
And that’s when I realise. Someday I will become collateral damage to Ollie. Someday he will view me as unnecessary to him. A blocker to his goals. Because all that’s ever mattered to Ollie has been winning.
And now that I see it, I can’t unsee it.
Our whole lives Ollie has been like this, boasting about his achievements in front of Kira, wanting nothing short of perfection, to be viewed as the best. I mistook it as a quirk, his cockiness part of his charm, but now I see it for what it really is. Selfishness and arrogance.
‘Ollie, what do you think I want in life?’ I ask him.
He looks thoughtful. ‘I don’t know, Selena, you’ve never struck me as the ambitious type, which is why I like you. You’re the yin to my yang.’
That cuts deep. Everyone else in my life wants me to want more. Dream big. Kira, Ty, Mum, Ms Harkness – they have all been pushing me to realise I can do more with my life. And for the first time I’ve really started to think it’s true.
‘Maybe I needed someone to believe in me,’ I say softly. ‘And maybe you’re not that person.’
‘Selena,’ says Ollie, putting his arm around me, so I’m now lying on the bed facing him.
The familiar brown eyes look at me. But maybe I’ve been misreading familiarity for knowledge. I don’t think I really know Ollie, and he doesn’t know me. He touches the side of my face. Normally this action, so romantic under the circumstances, would thrill me. But now, I don’t feel anything.
‘I think it’s time to get back to the party,’ I say softly. ‘You can have a nap here if you want.’
Just then my door swings open.
I sit up abruptly, in time to see Ty shaking his head and leaving.
Shit, this must have looked bad.