Forty-Seven
It’s reckless, the way we’re doing this
It’s a mess, I can’t lose you another time
‘Reckless’ from Roses
It feels good to have Kira pacing my room again. She and Faye immediately drove over, despite it getting late now. Luckily Mum isn’t home yet, otherwise she would have kicked them out because it’s a school night.
‘Okay, so why did you call us here?’ she says.
‘Take this as calmly as possible, but Ty kissed me. Or I kissed Ty. I’m not entirely sure.’
‘WHAT?’ they both chorus. Kira immediately stops and turns to face me, jaw slack. Faye sits up and stares at me.
‘Okay, okay,’ I say. ‘Just don’t . . . don’t get overexcited. I took your advice, Kira.’
‘One, I’m excited you took my advice. Two, how can we not get overexcited at Ty kissing you? Or you kissing him? Which is a detail we are going to need,’ says Kira.
‘Yeah, tell us everything,’ says Faye, more simply.
I exhale, and start spilling out what has been going through my head for the last hour. The fights, the kiss, the apology, the walk away, and now me sitting on my bed with no idea what happened.
‘Sounds romantic,’ says Kira.
‘Are you joking?’ I say.
‘You had a wild, passionate kiss at the side of your house – I would say it was romantic,’ says Kira.
‘And then he left abruptly. After apologising for the whole thing. What part is romantic?’ I say.
‘Well, he clearly likes you,’ says Faye.
‘I’m not sure that’s clear,’ I say. ‘He said he wanted us to be friends.’
‘Yeah but then he kissed you. Mixed messages,’ says Kira.
‘I think that’s the problem,’ I say.
‘He probably has a reason for what he said,’ says Kira. ‘The only way you’re going to find out is if you talk to him.’
I groan. ‘I’m going to have to, aren’t I?’
‘Yes,’ chorus Faye and Kira.
‘And I’m not going to like it.’
‘Yes,’ they say again.
‘And I won’t know what he’s going to say.’
‘Yes,’ they say back.
‘You know, Selena, I think deep down you know what you have to do even before you call us over here,’ says Kira.
I throw a pillow at her. ‘Therapy is over now. I will talk to him. I need to think about what I want to say.’
‘And what do you want to say?’ says Faye.
I look out of the window. ‘I need to tell him why he’s important to me. That this means something more to me. That no boy has made me feel so seen or heard before. That when I’m around him, it’s not just that I’m attracted to him, but I appreciate him. We can’t just be friends.’
‘But first you need to hear Ty’s side too,’ says Faye.
‘Yes, I do, and I don’t have a good feeling about it.’
‘Selena?’ says Kira.
‘Yes?’
‘Can you try and be a romantic for once?’
***
I still have no idea what to write my essay on, the guy I like is avoiding me, and it feels like I’m running out of time on all accounts.
So before work the next day, I turn up at his house. It feels a safer bet than having my texts ignored.
He opens the door and sighs. Not a good sign.
‘It’s eight a.m.,’ he says.
‘We need to talk,’ I say. ‘Can I come in?’
He nods and leads me to the living room and flops onto a sofa.
‘I wanted to come talk to you,’ he says, ‘but every time I thought about it, I . . .’
‘Chickened out?’ I say, sitting in the armchair opposite him.
‘Well, you’re not easy to understand. I was trying to gather my thoughts,’ he says.
‘I’m not easy to understand? You’re the one who kissed me and ran away!’
Ty shakes his head, leans back in his seat. ‘The difference is I know why I do things and how I feel.’
‘And I don’t?’
‘Not historically, no. Based on the whole Ollie thing.’ He looks at me sadly. ‘How do I know you’re not confused about me in the same way you were about Ollie?’
I chew my lip. ‘Okay, I understand why you think that. But you have to believe my feelings for you are different. And I know I’ve not been the most . . . straightforward.’
‘Selena, I think you might be the most confusing thing that’s ever happened to me. And I sat through AP Algebra.’
‘Did not understand the reference, but beside the point,’ I say, looking out of the window and not at him.
I take a deep breath. ‘And if you want me to tell you how I really feel, I’ll tell you.
I still like you. I like you more than I ever cared to admit, well, because you’re annoying.
But I think that’s why I like you. I can be myself around you.
You’re the person who picks me up when I’m down, cheers me on when I need it.
And I’m not going to change my mind. This is more real to me than anything else.
I’ve been fighting it, and it’s still so real to me. ’ I pause and wait.
Ty’s face is blank, and I feel a rush of rejection. This is so much worse than what happened with Ollie.
‘I should go,’ I say, standing up.
‘No,’ says Ty, also standing up. ‘Sorry, I’m . . . I’m also confused.’
‘That’s becoming clear,’ I say.
Ty smacks his hands onto his face, exasperated. ‘Selena, you know I like you.’
‘Do I?’ I say. ‘In what way?’
‘I like you in the way that everything about you consumes my every thought so much that I realised this is what falling for another person is.’
‘Then why are you making this so hard?’
‘Because we can’t be together!’ he finally exclaims, the words leaving him in a half-strangled scream.
‘Because you’re going to go to America?’
‘Yes.’
‘But you don’t even want to go back.’
‘This isn’t about what I want.’
‘Everything is about what you want! It should be about what you want. It’s your life, as much as my life is my life.’
‘Selena, it doesn’t matter.’ He sighs. He looks a bit defeated. ‘Don’t you think this is a bit cliched? Star-crossed lovers?’
‘I wouldn’t call us enemies by fate. More by the circumstance of you being a prick.’
He laughs, and I feel the tension release.
‘I forget you’re an English student. I meant how you will be in London and I will be in the US.
’ He looks away, rakes a hand over his head.
‘Which is why I shouldn’t have kissed you.
Mentally, I’m not in a good place right now.
Yesterday? I had literally had an argument with my dad beforehand. He’s insistent I go to Berkeley.’
I cross my arms. ‘But what has that got to do with me?’
‘Because you make this place feel like home, and I know that it isn’t.
’ He raises his voice for the first time.
I flinch. He shakes his head. ‘Sorry, it’s that every time I’m with you I feel at ease, I guess.
You’re the person I want to run to when everything is going wrong.
You’re the person who makes me feel myself.
But I don’t have a future here. And I’m deluding myself I do. ’
I want to argue with him, ask him if I’m not worth it. But then I realise, it’s not about me. It’s about him. And there’s nothing I can do about that.
Failure crashes over me. Because I had really hoped I would turn up here, and it would be like a movie or a song. That we’d get our happy ending.
It turns out life isn’t straightforward.
‘You’re right, you shouldn’t have kissed me.’ I stand up, trying to hold in the tears. ‘I’ll see you around.’